My sister is pregnant. Her ex-boyfriend (for now) is a drug runner. He is abusive, on drugs, crazy, in and out of jail and soooooo much more. How can I convince her its best for the child if he is not in her life? I understand that she will ultimately do what she wants but I'd like to try to push her in the right direction.
2007-10-04 16:48:54 · 16 answers · asked by Das ist mein fluch 5 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Now when say say abusive I mean trying to light her on fire, buring her with pipes, shooting walls because he thinks the neighbors are trying to steal her. How could anyone come to the conclusion that this is good for a child?
2007-10-04 17:02:34 · update #1
YES!! Sometimes, it is best for the father not to be present. In this case, it seems the only logical route to take. If he is abusive, and she chooses to have him in her child's life, Child Protective Services can help. They can take away his parental rights. Ask her what she wants for her child. Does she want it to have a stable, healthy enviroment, and a good childhood? I assume the answer to these questions is yes, as that is what every parent wants, but it may be a hard task for you to convince her, even still.
She's proabably thinking that he won't treat their child the way he treats her, so he's going to get the benefit of the doubt. His ways will change once he sees the light in his child's eyes. She wants her child to have two parents that a fully involved in their life. While this thinking is nice, it's probably not going to happen.
When you are on drugs, it messes with your head. You lose brain cells and you aren't able to function fully. He may not, depending on his usage, be able to take care of a child. The age you start is the age it freezes your mentality at. You cannot mature, and a child needs a parent who acts his or her own age. The only thing that might help is rehab, and most drug users aren't willing to give up their ways.
If your sister does not see this, and I truly hope she does, the courts can always get involved. It needs to be a last resort, because court is so painful for everyone involved.
I'm not saying that the father to be doesn't have capabilities, and that all is lost, but he needs some help, and it's going to be a long road to what I hope will be recovery, if he is willing.
My father is a substance abuser. I am in therapy because of the way his choices have impacted my life. Take it from me, first hand, it's hard on the children. Please help your sister see this. Good luck. It's great that you care so much about your neice or nepher and your sister.
Kelsey
2007-10-04 17:25:06 · answer #1 · answered by **Write your own song** 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I firmly believe that being connected through blood (i.e. the father in this scenario) does not in any way mean that this person is a good thing for the child. In other words, a dangerous, abusive person is a dangerous, abusive person, whether the parent or not, so it would be safer for this baby to not be around this man. Drugs induce violent behaviors, and violent behaviors are dangerous. Even if he never physically hurts the baby, the baby will be emotionally damaged if he is witnessing his mother's abuse. My best suggestion would be to get her information on this, and possibly try convincing her to find a support group for moms like her. Good luck!
2007-10-04 17:18:07 · answer #2 · answered by ksta72 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You can help your sister consider all the alternatives. She can give the father a picture of the baby. She could allow supervised visitation when he is clean and sober. When the baby is older, he or she could talk on the phone or have correspondence with the child. You can talk about what kinds of danger or bad influence your sister might want to prevent, and how she can eliminate those dangers. Your sister can encourage the father to call for regular reports on the child or to keep in touch by mail. It is also good to have other men as father figures in the child's life, such as your own father, the baby's uncles or friends, godparents and so forth.
2007-10-04 17:06:10 · answer #3 · answered by Bond girl 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I do think some kids (mind you, some) are better off without the "bad seed" of a parent. However, I don't think you'll change your sister's mind until she has actually had the child. I love my daughter dearly but I was still thinking about myself and the feelings of the father while I was pregnant. It was only after my daughter was born that the real maternal instincts kicked in and I was able to see the situation from a different perspective (that which is best for my daughter).
2007-10-04 16:56:47 · answer #4 · answered by karespromise 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Ultimately, your sister should have what is best for her baby in mind and not what is best for her. If having him around is going to be destructive to their child, then it is best to keep him away. Perhaps by doing so it can motivate him to clean himself up to be deserving of taking the title of 'Father.'
This is going to be a very trying and emotional time for your sister. She's going to have a lot of inner turmoil and pressure to deal with as well as ones from the father and (possibly) his family. The best you can do is be supportive. It's okay to voice that you think it's not healthy for him to be around, but there is still a lot of time before she actually has to deal with that situation. And he can still change for the better! Don't push your opinion too much on her otherwise you may be pushing her away!
2007-10-04 17:04:11 · answer #5 · answered by Stacey F 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There was a recent story in my area of a father who fits this description. He took his 7month old girl from the home of the mother without her knowledge. He was caught by police with the baby in the back seat and a good amount of cocaine in the front. Try to help her realize if nothing else she doesn't want to experience this. Also, that she has worked to hard to bring a precious being into the world that has a reason to live.
2007-10-04 16:59:01 · answer #6 · answered by Feel dumb 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
In this situation I agree. The man can not be a good father with all those negative situations around him.
I think it IS important to have a child's father in their life. However, if the father is not suitable......it's OK.
I think that a child can have positive male role model from someone other then the father. Someone such as a grandfather or Uncle.
2007-10-04 16:55:29 · answer #7 · answered by Je Adore 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I am a firm believer in family life. However, whether dad or mom, there are those who should be excluded from the child's life. A man as you described him is one of them.
Have her get help, counseling, see a pastor/prist/other.
Even schools can tell her that such a person is a very bad influece on a child's education/life.
2007-10-04 17:24:27 · answer #8 · answered by Nothingusefullearnedinschool 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm glad you asked this question so I wouldn't have to. Man not a drug addict but he constantly makes bad decisions and has a wife that is stupid. I don't keep him out of her life just set limits for them. However in your situation i think you should let your sister decide unless she has a history of making terribly wrong decisions.
She should put conditions on it. If he loves his kid he won't mind going to rehab and he needs to understand that they don't have a relationship anymore and it is strictly about the kid.
2007-10-05 06:18:40 · answer #9 · answered by curious1 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Not only is it okay, it is the only right thing to do. Well, actually, the right thing to do is actually consider if the person you are going to sleep with is going to be a decent father, but I understand that problem passed under her radar.
In fact, if she allows this person to see his child, she should be reported to Social Services. You obligation, her obligation, our obligation is to never allow any child to be harmed.
2007-10-04 17:18:10 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋