My husband and I have been together for 4 years, we have a baby and we got married this past july at the town hall. We had no ceremony at all, we didn't even bring our own witnesses. I did this with the understanding that we would have a real wedding-dress, cake, guests, etc. Also, I want a wedding ring-I ended up buying a fake for $25 on ebay and have been wearing it because I'm too ashamed to be ringless in public when people know I just got married. My husband knows this upsets me but he still isn't putting forth any effort to make the wedding or ring happen. What gives and what should I do?
2007-10-04 15:57:05 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
I'm sorry...but you are already married! You can celebrate your marriage...but you don't get a big fake wedding now. It would be completely a farce if you go through the big white dress, bridesmaids, rings and vows, when you two are already married.
My suggestion would be to throw a big party to celebrate your marriage. Have family and friends there...serve food and cake...wear a beautiful dress (but not a wedding dress) and have your husband wear a nice suit (not a tux).
Guests may bring gifts, but do not expect it...this is not a wedding, it is a party, guests are not required to bring a gift.
If you want to give each other gold rings (to replace the fake one you are wearing), and reaffirm your vows in front of your guests, you can do that....but since you are already legally married, you do not need a minister/priest, and do not use the "Do you take this man..." type vows...Write your own. You have already exchanged the binding vows.
Have music, eat good food, dance and celebrate with your friends...but do not try to make this into a formal wedding...just a fantastic party in honor of your marriage, just like you would do if you eloped (which, I suppose, you did!)
Have fun,
~Kat
2007-10-05 02:04:43 · answer #1 · answered by Kat 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I hate to say this, but really, he feels like he doesn't HAVE to. He already has been milking the cow for free, so to speak. He doesn't need to buy it. He's done no work to get you, and there is no build up. Guys like the chase.
Nowadays, it's common to live together, have kids, etc. without being married first. It's also a possible reason why many marriages fail and people are unhappy.
Perhaps he never wanted to have kids with you. Or marry you. But now he has your child and feels pressured. And vice versa. Now don't get me wrong, unless he is abusive or adulterous, leaving him is not the answer. Divorce is a quick way out that likely won't make you or your child happy in the long run either. Your child needs a dad and not "mommy's new boyfriend" in the picture.
So what can you do? Put the mystery back in your relationship. Go back to school, volunteer, start a business, join a gym, work out, anything to reinvent yourself. Have meaningful conversations with him again, aside from asking what's for dinner and who's watching the baby. Put the spark back in your romance and have a romantic evening for 2. Fill the bathtub and have some wine.
Start planning for the future together. Work on goals of planning for a house, moving to a new neighborhood, or changing careers.
It sounds like both of you need to sit down and have some honest talks about your wants and needs for this relationship. Marriage is a partnership, it takes work. Tell him you are proud to be married to him and want to have a token of that. I personally don't think a ring is too much to ask for.
You can always have a big anniversary blowout down the line.
Good luck!
P.S. Good answer Kat!
2007-10-04 20:07:54 · answer #2 · answered by reginachick22 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think what you need to do is back up a bit and re-think why it is that you got married to this man to start with. Was it because you had a baby and just thought you "should"? Was it because the two of you truly are committed to spending a lifetime together? Was it because you got tired of waiting for the big wedding and just needed that piece of paper? Did you have to beg and plead and threaten and argue to get married at city hall....finally!!?? My point is, unless you married because the two of you are committed to a lifetime union, you made a big, big mistake and it is time to undo it. On the other hand, if you two really are committed, the deal here is that you already had the "wedding". Anything now would be a vow renewal or along those lines. It's not a play you can just keep repeating! You may as well start saving small and do a renewal with reception at your 10th or 15th anniversary. Anything else now is just silly. As for the ring, tell him what you told us...... that not being given a ring by him to tell the world you are his wife really hurts and embarrasses you. Talk it over calmly. This is not an issue to fight over, because I can guarantee, if you get that ring by fighting you won't enjoy it at all. Finances really may be the whole issue here. The point is, he is your husband - if you don't love and trust him then you darn sure never should have married him! And by the way, unless you are insisting on an expensive ring, the two of you can go to a department store (even Walmart if need be) and purchase a perfectly adequate wedding ring of 10k gold for under $100 dollars. Perhaps you are expecting your husband to win the lottery and buy you a honker and he knows he can't and that you won't be satisfied with what he can truly afford so he figures, why bother? Or, he could just be a selfish jerk. Only you know that answer - and you do know it, you just have to be willing to be honest with yourself. One thing is for sure, the wedding party, dress, cake, honker ring, guests, and etc. will not make you one bit happier than you are right now .... you are focusing on that to avoid dealing with whatever your real issue is. Good luck.
2007-10-04 18:40:02 · answer #3 · answered by naniannie 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A wedding at the town hall without rings or a dress of a fancy ceremony is just as legal and binding as a wedding with all the trimmings. Why waste the money on something fancy, when you can save it up for your baby?
If you do a little research and find out just how much money it takes to have a big wedding, you'd probably cop out. Maybe he's aware of that. Is it because you're unhappy with other areas of your marriage? A fancy wedding will just be ceremonial now, because you are already married. Save yourself the expense and the trouble and work on your marriage instead.
2007-10-04 21:05:08 · answer #4 · answered by Lady_Lawyer 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If the wedding meant so much to you why in the world did you go ahead and have it at town hall. After 4 years of waiting, you settled for that. Sorry to say that if you went for that that is what you got. Why should he get you a ring and have a big wedding now. If you wanted to be married so much after all this time, you got what you wante. My question is why are you with this man who seems to be so different from you as a person and so indifferent to your feelings. You do know he just did it to shut you up and now he is done with it. You picked him so there you are.
2007-10-04 17:34:24 · answer #5 · answered by CindyLu 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Don't wait for the wedding and ring to happen. You've been waiting for four years and he still hasn't done anything. So, take the situation into your own hands and begin wedding planning. Set the date and begin dreaming up your wedding day. Take a look at your finances and set aside a budget (perhaps you can save a little every month for it). Get yourself a ring.
Don't make your happiness dependent upon your husband. Be proactive and get going. You'll feel happier about yourself and your marriage. Don't let yourself be manipulated into thinking "it will happen...someday or weddings cost too much money" etc. etc. Just do it. Here are some resources to help you on your way:
http://www.theknot.com
http://www.amazon.com/Knot-Complete-Guide-Weddings-World/dp/0767916425
I hope to hear from you soon about the wedding planning ;)
2007-10-04 18:39:29 · answer #6 · answered by Jasmine808 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Wedding planning doesn't really interest men that much. Most men like my hubby included let me do most of the planning. So just figure out what you want to do and go from there .But remember IF you don't have alot of money..Set a budget (for example $1500.00) and stick with it. you can do alot of things yourself, and with the help of your family. I had a budget of $850.00 and I spent less then $700.00, and that included a round trip ticket for my mom to come in from Arizona. You can buy a wedding set from J.C. Penney for less then $200.00 and that includes the grooms ring as well. Don't feel ashamed of your court house wedding and "fake" ring. It's what you could afford at the time. So now it's time for something really special. Personally I would plan for something next summer for your first wedding anniversary. That way you don't two separate "wedding" dates,and it gives you all most a year to plan something really nice and intimate. And remember summer is a beautiful time to get married. :) My hubby and I are strongly considering a re-commitment ceremony for our 10th wedding anniversary that would be far me elaborate then our gazebo wedding. This time it would be in church, and with our children. :) So whatever you decide make your fancy wedding day a day to remember and to cherish.. Good Luck.
2007-10-05 09:31:59 · answer #7 · answered by navywife_2001 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Ask him to give you a concrete reason as to why it hasn't happened - maybe he wants to wait until you can afford your dream wedding, ring, dress, the lot. If he can't answer, then ask him for a date when he thinks the wedding will be financially possible. If you don't get an answer, you could be in for a very short-lived marriage, or may come to terms with the fact that you never will get it unless you are very firm with him.
2007-10-04 16:02:16 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
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2016-11-07 07:28:29 · answer #9 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The ceremony you had was your wedding, and that was your ceremony.
You have a child, and now you need to settle down to be a wife and a mom. Dream wedding is long gone. Time to grow up.
2007-10-05 03:38:52 · answer #10 · answered by Lydia 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋