Am I crazy?

Question

Lately, I have been feeling depressed. I have a 17 month old and am 28 weeks pregnant with baby #2.

My husband is 1 week away from finishing his masters and is very busy with work - I stay at home. I feel like all of the time he has away from work and school (which is very little) is very rarely offered to me. We were supposed to go out to dinner tonight with a friend, but because our son was sleepy, I let them go and offered to stay home - even though I always stay home and hardly get out. I feel like after chasing our toddler all day I need a backrub or like I just need to get out. But, it always comes down to his needs - he needs sex, so no backrub, or he has been working all day so he gets to go out.

I know he is well-intentioned, but he is totally blind to the fact that it is always about his needs. I just want him to sacrifice something every now and then. Everytime I try to bring it up, he gets overwhelmed and it turns back around to HIS NEEDS.

What do I do?

I am not going to have anymore children. I wanted 2 close in age because I loved growing up that way. Trust me, there are no more babies coming after this one. Things have not always been like this either, just the last month or two.

Answer 1

U need to communicate to your husband. U know his busy but i know u can find time to talk to him. Marriage is not the end it is the biggining for everything. So u need to communicate. Dont hessitate your husband loves u. Just being busy and u did not tell him what u want. Dont hide your feelings to your husband. The more u are open the more he will understand u.

Answer 2

At first, I was not going to answer this question until I saw the other two answer which are not answering your question at all.

I can totally relate to what you are going through. No you are not crazy. Marriage is about give and take. From what you've described, it's seems like you are doing most of the giving.

What you should do is change your habits. Such as; staying at home. Stop putting your husband's needs ahead of your own.

You mentioned that when you try to bring it up he flips the script on you well girlfriend. "Actions speak louder than words"
Don't always be the one to give in. His perception is that you are home all day and he probably thinks that you do nothing but watch your toddler and sit on your butt.

Oh yeah reality check; NO MAN NEEDS SEX THEY JUST WANT SEX.

It's tit for tat, Sweetie. A little give and take. If he wants something from you then he's got to give something. Unfortunately, for you, this is how it's always going to be once child #2 is born.
You will ALWAYS be the one that gets the short end of the stick. UNLESS you take the initiative and start changing some of his habits now. As long as you allow him to continue to treat you this way, it's always going to be this way.
I do agree with the first two responses to a point. Don't have anymore children otherwise you are never going to get out of that house.

Answer 3

It sounds as though your marriage relationship is in serious need of some work. Sometimes marriage does need work. Right now you are both really under a lot of stress and they are very different, so it is difficult for either of you to see the other's point of view. I think you need to have a talk about it. And you need to take turns talking about what you want and what you need. Take turns. And make a plan to address both of your needs. He needs to go out to relax? And you don't? Perhaps he thinks being pregnant and chasing a 17 month old around all day and taking care of the house.... is just restful?? Maybe after he finishes his masters you could have this talk and plan how each of you can help meet the other's needs. In the case of the friends going out and you volunteering to stay home, I would say DON'T volunteer to be a martyr. You did not enjoy it and don't do it again. Why not suggest that your friends go out and bring some food back for all of you to share at home. Leaving you out was really pretty tacky. He tells you what he needs. Do you tell him what you need? Next week ask him to stay home with the toddler on Saturday while you go out with your girlfriends.

Answer 4

Nope not crazy just in need of some serious Mommy breaks. If your husband is busy do you have other friends or family that can help so you can go out and do something for you? If not do some research ask around for a sitter.
Regarding taking one for the team and staying home with the little one. Stop that! If you really dont want to go that's one thing but if you were hoping he would let you go... Husbands are usually not that swift.
If you take time for yourself you will be a better mom, happy person, and there fore have some energy and may even be in the mood for more then a little back rub.
It's hard adjusting to kids keep talking to your husband and dont give up it will get better.
At my house we have the fool proof method for deciding who gets to do or not do something from staying out to changing diapers. Paper Rock Sissors... 2 out of 3 wins no arguments and all of our friends bust out laughing.

Answer 5

Find a mommy and me class so you can meet with other moms and get out at the same time. Take time for yourself, and get out of the house - there are usually a good number of free programs at libraries and museums geared to parents with young children.

See if you can share child care with a friend, and get a babysitter so you can go out together. Schedule a day or evening ahead of time where he stays home while you go out.

And if you have family near by, (esp his mother) see if there might be a day or two they could watch, or you could just visit.

Answer 6

That's a hard situation! I feel for you. I, too, am more likely to put others' needs before my own. What I have noticed from women stronger and "more together" than I am is that they have stopped WAITING for someone to fulfill their needs. Instead, they say, "Honey, I have dinner plans with my girlfriends/mom/etc tonight, so please be home by 6:30 to take care of the kid".
Is there any way you could afford a pregnancy massage? That might give you some much-needed stress relief.

Answer 7

Just play games with his head and tell him honey tonight if you rub my back you could be getting something extra special. Or honey if you stay home with the kids while I shop in the afternoon tomorrow you could be getting something special. It doesn't always need to be sex just use his stomach as our power too. Watch the food channel and experiment with some new types of food It will drive him wild.

Answer 8

Keep talking until he hears you. But change your approach in bringing up the conversation. Plus you must keep in mind, a 17 month old and your pregnant. Your plate is full and your hormones are raging.... Be patient, and try to express your feelings to him, he will hear you sooner or later. Men and women think differently about sex, we see it as an emotional loving exchange. Men see sex as a release, a need which must be fulfilled... Good luck and God bless****

Answer 9

Afteer that one week till master degree, just try to cope and then sit down and have a long talk. It is time for you now and you need it. Explain the whole situation, when people especially men a busy they can't see what is in front of their face and what you need. You have to let him know after it slows, ( I hope).

Answer 10

Speak up and let him know what your feeling before its too far gone - and you just start resenting him instead of addressingthe real issues. Just because you don't "go" to work doesn't mean that what you're doing isn't as important!! Goodluck and get some alone time when you can go out with your gal pals!