I've been in a relationship with my gf for about a year and half now. When I told her I cared about her she told me that she sabotages things, but I didn't listed. Now after all the things that she has done, and believe me she has hit me with everything but the kitchen sink, I'm beginning to see it. For all this time I would get sad thinking there was something wrong with me (her criticism of me didn't help). Now I'm seeing that everything that was bad that she has said were to sabotage this relationship even though she tells me she loves me (in tears sometimes. This is new and completely ridiculous for me so I'm here. My question is why would anyone try to sabotage a relationship that they claim is SO good. Why if you love someone would you try to sabotage the relationship. Is this a girls thing or do guys to it to. All the help will be appreciated.
2007-10-04 07:57:38 · 15 answers · asked by TheT 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Guys and girls do it. It's not just a one sex thing. Although I have seen it more in guys than I have girls. If possible I think you two should go to couples therapy. That way the therapist sees both sides of the story. When they see both sides it's more like to be solved then if she just saw a therapist. Like they said people do it to see just how far they can take you. It sounds a little silly but it shows them how much you love them. It sounds like she has self esteem and abandonment issues. Or it could be both. Let me know how things turn out.
2007-10-04 08:12:36 · answer #1 · answered by Random 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't understand it either, dear. I know people do it though. Here is what I do that ruins them before they can even start: when I realize I love someone or could fall for them, I start holding back and always looking for signs they do not want me in their lives and seize on that instead of anything else. It goes back to a very very bad relationship I had with someone who pretends to be straight. I am apparently afraid to care and end up not being cared for after all, to only be a righthand man so to speak, or the um, "*****" as some people will call it, but nothing more. An object, not another half in a relationship.
Your saboteur friend might not have the same reasons, but could be afraid to care so much and end up with nothing but bitter memories.
2007-10-04 08:04:08 · answer #2 · answered by *october girl* 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes people try to sabotage a relationship because they want to see how much you love them and whether you stick around or not. It's a form of insecurity. I would suggest getting out of this relationship because she will only continue to sabotage it...
2007-10-04 08:02:09 · answer #3 · answered by ICU 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
This is not an uncommon problem and most people who recognize it in themselves seek professional therapy to cure it. I'm not sure of the cause but I've heard of people who, because of seeing their parents fight all the time growing up, have a subconscious fear of relationships and thus no matter how happy they might be, they are afraid of what is to come and try to ruin it before that.
Also, since the predominant relationship in their childhood was a bad one, they may think that that is the way all the relationships should be.
It may not have anything to do with their parents at all. Some people have subconscious fear, like fear of abandonment or rejection, so they seek to be the one doing the abandoning or rejecting before it happens to them.
Whatever the reason, she needs outside help to fix the problem. Note, she needs to seek help, not the two of you. This is something she needs to get over herself, even though it affects you most of all.
2007-10-04 08:06:49 · answer #4 · answered by stn1225 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
She's confused and she doesn't like being confused. The ambiguity of relationships kills her. She doesn't know how to take it to the next level. She likes men, but she doesn't like trying to figure out how to make a relationship work. She doesn't know if she's making the right choice in a mate.
Don't be a wuss. Convince her otherwise or continue to have your ego battered. It's time for you to take the lead. You have to make her make a decision without using her head. Let her intuition be her guide. She'll either follow you or she'll bail. Things can't stay like they are, you've already lost her, figuratively speaking.
First things first, walk right up to her and tell her to stop trying to sabotage the relationship because it isn't going to work.
2007-10-04 08:12:27 · answer #5 · answered by thewon4 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
the gal i thought i was seeing would beat me sniff arround at the bar tell me about all the guys there talking to tell me they never cheat on me pull up lots of guys on the computer there kids would hit me i made a police report got discriminated against still have heard nothing about it i tryed drinking over it i beg i plead i tell a gal how i feel do the jesus forgives thing they tell me they love me they threw my stuff out in the cold then they deniy they were hitting me but they still think we can have lovely conversations on the phone and they can call me at all hours of the night with the answers then they cut me off from the sex and would have heavy conversations with strangers in the workout club and it would take me sitting in the middle of them to break it up after we had intense sex you got me maybee were seeing the same gal and we dont know it i fixed all kinda things all over the house and look what it got me i thought i was a great lover im very in shape i eat extreamly healthy i though i was a studmeister and for so many more lonely women outthere then men we put up with the abuse im no angel but i can only take so much i let my walls down gave the love felt the love my walls are going back up again im not giving up on love this inbetween time sucks i cant have a gal that really doesnt care and it feels like im babysitting we can talk for hours on the phone and when i git there they say nothing and there physically and mentally abusive everyone i talke to says i dont need it
2007-10-04 08:11:52 · answer #6 · answered by peter w 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In many instances, it has to do with feelings of abandonment in childhood. Her father left her mother for another woman...whatever. That's why people do it. The figure it's going to end anyway so why not help it along. It's driven by insecurity. She needs help dude. If you want to invest the time, get her to see a shrink. Good luck.
2007-10-04 08:02:53 · answer #7 · answered by Steve F 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
she probably has abandonment issues... what are her parents like? do they criticize her or put her down? did dad leave or are the parents divorced? is one of her parents an alcoholic?
you might suggest your girlfriend take a look at abandonment issues to see if this is what is bothering her.
sometimes we don't even realize why we behave in certain ways.
there are many resources for help on the internet, and then, there is therapy, which never hurt anyone.. it works when we work it.
2007-10-04 08:02:59 · answer #8 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its possible that she is trying to hurt you before you can hurt her. girls that have had bad relationships and been hurt in the past tend to put up a sheild, and we dont realize how we are being, but we would rather hurt you before we get hurt again. She probebly realy does love you, but dosnt know how to handle a good thing. Im in a similar situation but my BF is doing to me, i gotta hang in there, because its gonna take time for him to realize im not gonna hurt him and i just gotta keep reasuring him that i love him so much....if you feel you can tough it out with her, then do so, keep talking with her about her issues and she may open up more in why she acts this way, then you can figure out the solution
2007-10-04 08:03:28 · answer #9 · answered by louie 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is kinda like a test to see if you will stay around. She has to see if you really love her. She is not really ready for a relationship and secure with herself and self esteem or she wouldnt need to do this. I used to be that way myself when i was younger
2007-10-04 09:27:15 · answer #10 · answered by lisa_2375146 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋