Nine year old twin girls sleeping with their Dad?

Question

My Nieces are 9 yrs old and sleeping with their Dad on a constant basis,their Mom died when they were 2,but have slept with their Dad since they were babies..Personally I think its out of line to do now,but he's not much on parenting anyway..He's an alcoholic,ex-con,& has hurt them physically in the past by smacking them in the face...We took care of them while he did time in Prison for 2 years and they have reverted back to their old behavior since he's been back in their lives now for 3 years..I worry about them on a constant basis but don't have the heart to report him to authorities or they would end up in a foster home,as the rest of the family cannot afford to care for them,nor I as I have my own 3 children to care for..
Can you suggest anything to help this situation out?All replies appreciated!thanks-

*I have tried talking to the girls privately but they seem oblivious to the situation not offering any comments of a negative nature,they seem to defend him at all costs out of fear of him,the authorities have been contacted 3 times in the past,which he covered it all up very well,(the abuse & filth he lives in)when they came back to investigate...
I think the families only option is for one of his sisters to adopt them to get him away from them,to an extent of raising them decently..thanks to all of you,excellent advise!>=)

Answer 1

Talk to a lawyer, talk to DCF, talk to the family. Once you know what you can and can't do, move as fast as you can.

Answer 2

In many countries families sleep in community beds. These are large beds and some are made in the shape of a circle. If I can remember, there was a song written about it. Where and how people sleep, should not be a concern as long as everyone is in night clothes and nothing illegal is going on.
Weather this man is a ex-con or not has nothing to do with his parenting abilities. From your post here, it comes across that he has a violent side ? This should defiantly be a concern and be watched carefully. Not sure were he lives ? In all Provinces of Canada, smacking a child any place than the clothed bottom and under the age of 2 years and over 12 years, is a criminal offence ( section 43 of the Canadian Criminal Code ) look that up on the net.
If this repeats itself, you are under obligation by law, to report it to police or the CPS in your area. It is great you are in the picture and keeping a eye out for the safety of these children.
( Connie Mom of 4 and 5th. grade teacher )

Answer 3

First of all, are these children safe? Has anyone ever thought to simply take the girls for the afternoon, maybe just to go to the park or bake cookies and ask them if things are ok? They are old enough at 9 yrs. to be able to express themselves and to let others know if they are unhappy, scared or possibly being abused. These children need to know that they have a safe place to turn to if they need it. Do they have a bed or room of their own to sleep in? Does their father have a violent, abusive or questionable past that would lead to you being concerned about their welfare? Not every ex-con is a bad person or an abusive person, but if he has been abusive with them in the past, I would definately get all the facts about what's going on and get involved for the children's sake. You can contact your local division of family and health services (social services) to get more information on how you can get them assistance if they need it and to also find out more about filing a child welfare complaint. If they are living in an unacceptable and unhealthy environment then they need to have someone step in. Remember, kids have a voice, but they don't always use it. It's up to us as the adults to protect them, regardless of how difficult it may be to do so. Good luck to you, you're in my prayers.

Answer 4

Do they have their own bedroom(s)? If you can afford it you could offer to help them find beds of their own, or help them decorate their room so that they have some alternative arrangements. Make it fun, not preachy, and you'll be showing them how to be independent and creative without tearing them up over any percieved (dis)loyalty to thier father. Could you find out what thier father might need in the way of emotional support? The death of the mother, regardless of the circumstances, not to mention the seperation anxiety involved with prison time, alcoholism, etc., has probably taken its toll on the whole family. Face smacking? I don't smack my own kids, but that's a committment I made to myself long before they were born. The stress of a divorce has brought it to mind, so I could understand the place that that response comes from, but I neither condone nor judge the response. Be as kind as you can to these people and encourage them to be grateful that they have one another. It's great that you care so much for them.

Answer 5

I have mixed feeling about this. In general it's NOT out of line for a father to be sleeping with his children, boys or girls. Granted you used the word "sleep" as long as that's all that's happening, that's OK. However in this situation this sounds like an abusive man, so I'd not like what's going on either. If what you say is true, I'd hope CPS would re-investigate all possible forms of abuse.

Answer 6

All you can try to do is talk with him. Or get the family together to speak with him. It might be less hurtful if it comes from someone closer to him though. But someone needs to explain that you are seriously considering reporting him and he needs to straighten up and quick.

I too think at 9 years old its inappropriate for those girls to be in his bed. One, its just weird, but 2, thats not really teaching them to be comfortable being alone and its holding their learning abilities back some.
Good luck to u, do something now, or u r part of the problem as well.

Answer 7

tell your dad whats up with your bratty sister and that he needs to make more room so that you can have your own room, have him put up a track on the ceiling that can be bought at walmart I'm sure and then hangup a makeshift sheet or shower curtain. Make a schedule with your brother so that he can enter the room with his buddys or by himself if your in there doing whatever. If you need to change then you need to use the bathroom, if you cant change there then shout out to your brother to not come onto your side of the room. I dont see why a wall or divider of some kind cant be put up? Your a girl becoming a woman its not fair to have to share your room with a male kid thats sooo messed up!!!! If anything, have your dad and brother make an add on room to house you in it, or ask if you can go live with an aunt or other family member.

Answer 8

Well, I'm not sure it's a horrible thing that the girls sleep with their father as long as he's not abusing them. But if he is or has the potential to be abusive, something should be done. I'm not sure what to tell you to do considering you don't want to call the authorities, you don't want the girls turned over to foster care, and you don't want to care for the girls yourself if need be (nor does anyone else). Seems like ignoring the alleged problem is your only option with the scenario you have presented. Best of luck...

Answer 9

I would say if they are clothed while they are sharing a bed they are fine. When they are ready they will seperate. Some families have family beds. My little sister shared a bed with her father until she was about 12 years old. They hold a strong bond. He never slept with her naked and never touched her in bad ways. If there is abuse then it needs to be reported.

Answer 10

Have you tried spending time with the girls alone? You could feel them out on how they feel about it. You could subtly mention that they are getting to be big girls now and big girls sleep in their own room without mommy or daddy. Perhaps the rest of the family could pool a bit of money together to buy them matching bed sets and stuffed animals. If they had something special for the occassion, maybe they would move out on their own.

Answer 11

Sounds like the girls want to be close to their Father. Many family have the "community bed".

If he isn't abusing the children, I say you should stay out of the situation.