Advice on ongoing family problem?

Question

Hi,

I am new to this community and am seeking sound feedback. I have been attempting to resolve some family conflict for a long time but always seem to come up short.

I have been faced with a difficult family situation for many years. My father who is a wonderful and accomplished man remarried after my mother died in an automobile accident. My stepmother tends to be a controlling and strong willed person. She has some wonderful qualities but when it comes to me, sometimes I truly wonder whether she wants my happiness.

I was adopted by her when my parents got married. She was given a dominant role in my upbringing. But the games that are palyed, have over the years taken their toll. If I succeed, its because of her, if I fail its because of me (I did not obey her every command). Big occasions in my life always become all about her and really, anti-climactic moments.

Despite turbulence and discord, I have managed to become a medical doctor in a foreign country. I have just returned to the US to sit my licensing exams here. More discord seems immenent despite my efforts. I know many people have these sorts of problems so it seems that I should not feel alone with this sort of thing. There are many convoluted aspect to this relationship that I won't go into, but what I have provided here are the surface details.

Finally, I will say that I adore my dad, but he does have his flaws. He has made it clear that a relationship with me is what he wants. However, I see that it will always be dictated to some extent it seems by my step mother.

I continue on my journey towards becoming a doctor here in my home country with hope and optimism despite setbacks. I truly want to help those in distress and need but find it difficult being my best at this when I cannot seem to over come my own difficulies.

Any and all feedback welcomed. Best wishes.

Answer 1

Your step mother is obviously controlling and probably because of underlying anxiety issues... which is usually the case for those who have to try to run everyone else's life around them.

Your father chose her, so he obviously allows and accepts her behavior -- maybe his lack of self-esteem or the need for a mother, i'm not sure. Whatever it is, you can't fix his marriage, and worrying about him living with a tyrant isn't healthy for you. His marriage, his choice.

What you might be able to do is set some personal boundaries when it comes to the step mother -- if you are unsure about personal boundaries, you can do a yahoo search for SETTING PERSONAL BOUNDARIES. I'd also suggest COPING WITH A CONTROL FREAK, and similar searches.

You don't have to let her affect you. What you do, and your success and failures should have no merit on what she thinks or says...

If you are exposed to your step mother and she tries to run your life or puts you down, you can ignore her.... it takes practice.

Otherwise, should you have continuing difficulty because of her, perhaps consider therapy. A therapist can help us come to some realizations about others, help us develop coping skills and the ability to move forward. Of course, you won't "forget" what happend in the past, but perhaps you will learn, through therapy, that your step mother has ISSUES! And it's not your fault.

take care of YOU -- best thing you can do !

congratulations on your schooling and your ambition to become a professional... you're doing a great job!

Answer 2

1. Tell your stepmother how you feel as nice and as respectful as you possibly can. I can't tell you how many conflicts have been resolved by comminicating.

This would only work if you know your stepmother would be open to this communication, and would be receptive and mature.

It may be a situation where your stepmother is overcontrolling of you due to her situation, she stepped into a very difficult situation. Your family was distraught over the accidental death of your biological mother, and your stepmother may have reasons for doing what she does. If you don't ask her why she does this, then you can't jump to conclusions on the reasons why.

2. Thank her for her support and her love over the years. This is a reverse psychological tactic that does wonders. You see, your stepmother may not even be aware of the rift. She may not think there is a problem. This behavior may be what she was taught from her mother and father, as all famalies pass down behaviors.

A card, gift, doing something nice for her will not only send a message that she has accomplished her goals of raising you, but will also hopefully send the message that she can now relax, step-back, see you as an adult, and stop raising you.

3. If the 1st and 2nd ideas fail, you may want to seek counseling from a professional. Asking anyone on yahoo answers may get you some good ideas, but speaking with a professional will help you get a more accurate resolution.

Best of Luck!

Answer 3

Remember that your life is about you. Don't let anyone stop you from what you want to do. It seems like you're going towards your goals and that's what's most important. It's a shame that your relationship with you're step mother is a little sour, but maybe someday you can move past that. But what I would say is just keep focused on your dreams and goals and keep your relationship with your dad. Just take everything your step mother says with a grain of salt.

If it's your day for acomplishment and you're step mother tries to bask in some of your glory, people can see that. People know what the real reason why you got there. You took the tests to be a doctor, you have the motivation to continue your studies that has nothing to do with her, don't worry people know. Just be calm and stay focused.

Good luck!

Answer 4

As difficult as it has been for you, now is a turning point in your life. You are obviously an adult now and a very intelligent person as well. The relationship with your step mother is obviously a sick, detrimental one to you. Although you were powerless before, that is no longer the case. Even in healthy relationships between children and parents, there is a time where boundaries have to be set and you have reached that point.
Start setting these boundaries and if she is being counter productive, negative or ugly, you can certainly walk off and not speak to her about it. It is okay to tell her that although you respect her, you are an adult and if you want or need her opinion, you will ask for it.
You can also see your father alone and apart from her if you are having a difficult time with her. Your Dad also needs to know about how you feel about him not standing up for you more and allowing this treatment to continue.
She is going to be mad, no one likes to change and no one likes to be called out for their crap. But if she genuinely cares for you, she may respect you for finally standing up for yourself.
If the worst should happen and you become estranged from her, that may also be for the best too.
You are a young person now and your whole life is ahead of you. Sure you will make mistakes and you aren't perfect but that is part of growing up, learning and living. Have faith in yourself!

Answer 5

Dont think so much abt the problem. See it as if it doesnt exist. You cant change your stepmom. You can only change yourself and from what i hv read you hv in fact grown. Look on the positive side.

If i were you, i wld concentrate on my goals in life. Love and respect your dad. Continue to give due respect to yr step-mum. Give her the benefits of doubts and try to look upon her good points. It is easier to change a mountain or a river than to change a person's character. For yr own good as well as for yr dad's happiness, let it go.

You hv accomplished greatly, this is all that matters. Continue to strive for the better. You are on a successful path in life. Sure your dad must be very proud of you. Keep it up.

Good wishes to you.

Answer 6

Well best wishes to sitting for your boards. My wife has the same situation except she wasn't adopted. Her stepmom didn't care enough and even afte 27 years of marriage to her dad, she still doesn't. She is a woman that is insecure in herself when it comes to you and your relationship with her husband (your father). The best you can do is be strong, be kind to her, let her see thru your achievements that you are in control and no longer under "her wing" and that your father is your father and not a threat to her. Treat her as if she was a patient and in need of your medical attention. Kill her with kindness without allowing her to manipulate you or your actions. Best to you! This isn't easy...family never is but know in your heart, you will always be daddy's little girl!

Answer 7

So, are you saying that your stepmother always stole your thunder and now you're doubting your own abilities because of it? Really, if you've finished college, why are you still letting her color your world black? YOU are in control of your destiny. What she did, how she acted, does not effect you in any way anymore. Yeah, it was wrong of her to make you feel like that. It hurt and troubled you. But if you spend all your time dwelling on it, how are you ever going to move on with your life? You need to accept that it happened, and let it go. If you can't do this on your own, you need to get some counseling. Becoming a doctor requires lots of intelligence, perseverence, and stamina. You are going to be doing extremely well for yourself. What issue have you got, knowing that?

Answer 8

Hi,
Although my father hasnt remarried yet I completly understand all your feelings.I think you should try being open about them with your step mom and father.They prob will get angy but you cant control that.My mother always said that nobody makes you upset or angry,you have to let them do it.This is easier said than done.
Next time she wants to play games try putting her on the spot and let her know that you are not interested in doing that.Hope this helped some.Good luck on your exams!!

Answer 9

You know my own mother died and I swear I just wanted to hate my step mother. Now my real mother has been gone longer than she was alive. I hardly remember her. I love my Moms, both, of them. I think your step mother may be somewhat jealous of the relationship that you still hold onto with your biologic mother and, she did adopt you. Maybe she just wants to feel that you love her and respect her. It does no harm to your real mother if you love your step mother. I am sure your real mother would be happy to know that there is someone there to take care of you and your father to love you and watch over you. Please just give her some time and a little love. I am very proud of you for completing such a hard thing as becoming a doctor. God bless you and your tenacity

Answer 10

Best wishes to you young man. Be alone and remain alone even after having a family life but, with the temperament of serving the society and enjoy your life. Nothing else will give you more pleasure.