How do I forgive her?

Question

My relationship with my girlfriend is in serious trouble because of a recent incident. I won't go into details about the offending act, I don't like to give out details of my private life, suffice to say it was incredibly hurtful.

I know I should find a way to forgive her, but I can't bring myself to do it. Holding it against her seems so justified. If things keep going this way, I'm going to lose her. I really don't want that, but I also don't want to give the impression that what she did was okay.

In short, how do you forgive the unforgivable?

Answer 1

Have you tried COMMUNICATING with her? Find out why she did it. Has she done it before? Is she sorry she did it? How did you find out she did it? Did she tell you herself? If she told you herself that shows a lot of faith in you, doesn't it?

Have you ever done anything hurtful to another person? Are you perfect? Have you ever made a mistake?

Mostly ask yourself, Does this mistake really change who she is?

If you can't love her enough to forgive her then just let her go because the poison in you that wont let you forgive will only destroy you both!

Answer 2

Well, first of all, is she genuinely sorry for what she did? Do you believe that she will never do it again? Clearly it sounds like you really love her and don't want to lose her so I'm assuming that she is normally a good person who just did a bad thing, not a bad person for whom this is normal behavior.

Yeah, I know that holding it against her seems justified but no one will allow themselves to be punished forever. And the longer you hang on to it, the longer it will hurt you. Forgiveness is as much about our own healing as it is about the other person. I think that you need to sit down with her and have an honest conversation. It's okay to tell her how you really feel and that if something like that ever happens again, you're out of there. Forgiving her is not the same as letting her think it was okay.

And since you posted this is R&S, I'll add that you need to pray for help in this. As God forgave us, He also gives us the means to forgive others.

Answer 3

I truely believe that anything is forgivable if the person is seeking forgiveness and reconcilliation. The reconcilliation is the important part.

Time is the only thing that can rebuild trust. Don't expect yourself to be ok over night. You may need some time to heal, so a seperation may be in order. She may need time to reflect on what she has done and you need time to decide what it will take to rebuild the relationship.

Remember, scar tissue is stronger than skin. Life will never be the same, you have to redefine normal. Some things may need a councellor to help you through, and i am talking about couples councelling... that could be a big help, and what can it hurt to do 4 weeks? You can always stop and at least you know you tried!

Best of luck, and decide what you need to rebuild. Talk to her about it and see if she is willing to be a part of it.

Answer 4

Sigh. You're trying to have it both ways:

A) It's hurtful and cannot be forgiven.
B) Forgiveness is necessary for the relationship to continue.

These two premises cannot coexist. You must pick one or the other and live with the consequences. That's what's giving you grief.

People like to think that love is the exception to all the rules. It's not. You must choose something -- even not choosing is a choice -- and you must live with the consequences of your choices. This is true always and everywhere.

Whatever you choose, good luck.

Answer 5

Other than a good caning what else is there to suggest.

OK, one possible is to freak out over it, to blow up entirely. Kick her out of bed etc, etc. Then you can calm down but only if she does the repentance thing. If there is no admission of the wrongdoing or repentance for it then there is no forgiveness.

As you say, you do not want it to seem like you are OK with or permitting whatever it was, so the freakout is mandatory in this negotiation.

Answer 6

What I found with my own struggle in forgiveness - the breakthrough after months and months of prayer - dealing with an abusive step-father - was this....

....ultimately I realized the unforgiveness was hurting me WAY more than it was hurting him! He could care less! But all that anger and bitterness and resentment - was literally eating me alive, making me physically ill....

Once I understood all that - and believe me, it took months of intense prayer and a good Christian counsellor - then and only then was I able to "let go and let GOD" as they say.

I hope you can find a way to forgive her for YOUR own sake.

Answer 7

Either realize your love for her is worth your forgiveness, or let her go.There is no middle ground. It is possible to forgive without saying what she did was right. Agree to disagree. But make your mind up one way or the other the longer it goes on the worse/harder it will be for both of you.

Answer 8

Sometimes, there are things that are simply unforgiveable in relationships. If you can't find it in you to forgive her, that doesn't make you wrong or right; it simply makes you human.

It hurts to let go, but sometimes it's the best thing for everyone involved.

Best to you.

Answer 9

Dump her, find a new girlfriend and be happy.

You can find wisdom in many words not spoken in the Bible.

There are plenty more fish in the sea!

A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction. ~Oscar Wilde

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one. ~W.C. Fields

Answer 10

there is no way to forgive or punish. everyone- even your girl friend is a free and independent individual. a stray incident should not effect life. but if she continues to offend u and it is unbearable it is the time to bid her good bye.