Why do some parents focus more on discipline then prevention?

Question

This is something I just might not ever understand. You see parents on here all the time and in 'real' life who have troubled kids. They are throwing fits, they are cranky, and all of the family is just tired of the behavior.

The parents just want to know what they should do when the problem occurs. They don't want to change their own behavior or modify anything during their day. In other words they don't want to prevent the issues occurring.

I don't understand. The first question I ask myself when my son acts up is WHY is he acting up. Of course there are times that are just unexplainable but most of the time I can point my finger on it. "Oh, he's misbehaving because it's 11:00 and he is hungry. We should've waited until after lunch and his nap before going out..." Not as an excuse but a reminder not to do it again.

Am I the only one who thinks the way I am reflects how my children behave?

If you are one who doesn't believe in prevention--why?

Thanks!

I'm not talking about kids who mess up every once in a while. I'm talking about parents who say "My two year old is driving me up the wall! What do I do when he screams?" or "My six year old is tired every morning and so cranky. How do I teach him this isn't okay?"

Obviously, if it's an ongoing issue something else isn't right. That means the parents have to figure out why. Maybe the six year old isn't getting enough sleep. How about changing up his morning routine? What about the way you wake him up?

That's what I meant. Not just kids who misbehave every once in a while. I'm talking about parents who are 'fed up' but won't change the way they do things.

Snoopy. LOL. When did I say I was a perfect parent? No where. I have had lots of questions on my child's behavior. Lots! There are friends in my life and questions on this site that just scare me. Parents prefer to just smack their kid on the butt every time they go to the commisary during their kids nap time than realize that it's not a good idea to take them out when they are tired! It goes on and on until the kid is totally out of control.

If parents say they are 'fed up,' 'tired,' and 'going crazy' over their kids behavior yet they won't even change their own behavior where does that get them? I just don't understand. Time and time again I see great advice on this site to parents yet they choose the 'best' or decide to go with the 'You need to smack that child' or 'Clearly that's unacceptable so you need to send him in time out, take all of their toys away, and never ever let them out of the house again.'

Thanks for ASSuming I think I'm perfect though!

Answer 1

We stopped asking ourselves these questions when we became a society that thought it was ok to go shopping all day, when we became a society that believed it was ok to let the TV be the babysitter or worse yet the parent. We became this way when we were too busy following the American Dream that we did not realize we already had it. If you are a parent that cares more about the rat race of life than you do the quality of life then you are more likely to concentrate on the discipline then the solution to the real problem. Once parents find themselves for what they are suppose to be and not what they want to be, then and only then Will they reflect on what is causing the behavior problems with their kids, until then they can only focus on the behavior problem and not the solution.

Answer 2

I watch a show on the BBC called "Little Angels" (I suppose it's similar to "Super Nanny"). In nearly every episode, the psychologist concentrates first and foremost on the parent(s) and their action, reaction or inaction toward their child's behavior. Generally, parents only react to the situation - usually much too late.
When multitasking became the order of the day (sometime around the 1980s I guess) we assumed we could apply the same principle to parenting. Parents truly underestimate how much influence the small things have on a child's behavior. Every time we as parents fail to pay attention to the "little" things it adds up, culminating in an undesirable - yet totally preventable - event.
I see it all the time: tired, stressed out kids who are hauled all over town late at night, parents who don't know how to say "no" to one hundred different after school activities, snacks passing for meals and a general lack of "down time" for the whole family.
Excellent question - here's your star.

Answer 3

A lot of times, the reason for misguided/misbehaved children is because parents DO NOT know how to be parents. Just because you have a child, does not make you an instant parent of the year. Sometimes we get our parenting skills from our parents (how they raise us) or the opposite if they were horrible parents, but there is a fine line between being your child's buddy, provider/care-taker, disciplinarian. You need to know that you must always be in control of your child, at least until they can sustain themselves, emotionally & financially - meaning they are grown & out on their own. You can fun around and play with you kids but if they don't take you seriously then you're up $*** creek without...well you know.

Answer 4

I think it's easy for parents to put the blame on someone or something else than it is to actually take responsibility for the problem. I have a relative who skips school, doesn't do her homework, back talks, and does whatever she wants to. The parent in this situation always tried to give the child whatever she wanted her whole life, and didn't set up any boundaries or concrete rules. Now that the child is older and is doing all this bad behavior, the parent is always blaming other people.

Answer 5

They do it because it is easier in the short term. Changing oneself is difficult and takes insight and commitment.

I can say this, because I have been through it with my 3 kids. I started off thinking I would just tell them what to do and they would do it. Then, when they had their own ideas, I was taken aback. I felt like they were always springing things on me, and that no matter how carefully I planned ahead, things never went according to plan.

I finally realized that I needed to not stress so much over the little things, and put more emphasis on the important things, and to model good behavior for my kids. It is amazing how they pick up all your bad habits and show you how you come across!

I agree with the posters above who said that parenting is learned from the way you were raised. It is just hard to unlearn old habits and develop new ones.

I sure with they had Supernanny on TV when mine were small!

Answer 6

Well first, human's are curious creatures, prevention is futile. I do suppose you've been told not to do something in some aspect in your life as a child and did so anyway, correct?

And besides, no pain no gain, so unless they see the effects personally on otehr people, or experience it, they won't really know anything about life.

Have you tried your child's interests? for example music, or games. Try playing with him/ her or comment or do the same thing he's doing, it gives him/her a sense of understanding or peace, if you know what I mean. Communication is a huge part of good discipline, which is very true, and to communicate successfully with your child, you have to be in sync with him/her.

My parents does this to me, they play the games I play, listen to music I listen, take interest in the things I like, like anime, robots, novels. Although I know it's all in vain, atleast they tried, and there you go, I communicate with them openly.

When you comment on your child's interest, do not be critical on it, it will immediately tear his/her self esteem. I experienced it once, my relative asked what I wanted to be when I grow up. I said to be a scientist, and they said, there's no money in that and that's a boring job. Since then I took no interest in science anymore.

Ask simple questions like who sang that? how does this work? you know, those kinds of questions.

Do this frequently and in no time, I bet the child will open up to you as to what is bothering him or her.

Take notice, don't ask what's the problem, let the child be comfortable enough to open up.

Hope that helps!

Answer 7

If it were only that easy to just look at your child and tell him what he has done wrong and that will correct the problem.

It does not work like at most of the time...

These parents may have tryed all they can and come here to find help..

Even the best of parents can have bad kids. Even the parents that do all they can for their children can have bad kids..

Answer 8

You're right but sometimes parents won't know what's up with the kids until after they do stuff... that's where the discipline comes in. Prevention steps are to talk to the kids afterwards and let them know what's wrong with what they did.

Answer 9

No you are not the only one who knows that the way you are reflects how your children behave. (Not that that makes perfect sense but we know what you mean.)

Your holier-than-thou attitude kind of stinks, though. Parenting is a learning process and there is no need to be so judgmental. Just because people present questions in a way that you might not does not mean that they do not understand what you describe. That said, there is a 100% chance that you make parenting mistakes as well, because everyone does. Please climb down off of your high horse and join us. The air is much better down here in reality.