My boyfriend is very upset that one of his friends committed suicide yesterday afternoon by hanging himself. I know I just need to be there for him as this is very hard for him to understand. Were in our late 20's and he just doesn't understand how life could be so bad for someone that they could do such a thing. He feels very bad because he is the one who called the brother and told him of the bad news, and the brother didn't know yet. The family hadn't called and told the other sister and brothers yet, but we live in a small town and we had what seemed like a million phone calls. So he basically wanted to make sure it wasn't a rumor. And why did the mother not call the other siblings for hours afterwards to inform them of the sons death and let him find out through friends? How can I make my bf feel like he didn't do anything wrong by calling the brother and asking if it was true? He feels horrible for being the bearer of bad news.
2007-10-04 00:12:51 · 11 answers · asked by Grants a tractor luvr! 6 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
Sorry if I put this in the wrong category....
2007-10-04 00:14:09 · update #1
The brother did talk to him later on & thank him for letting him know....
2007-10-04 00:25:48 · update #2
Jen,
first I think your boyfriend meant only to do good with concern on the call. That said, as a general rule of thumb one should await the call from the relative of a loved one in this situation and not assume that the news has been reached to all. The family was likely dealing with police questioning at the time and trying to figure things out on their own. There may be backlash coming on this to your boyfriend (and maybe you because of your association/relationship with him). To avoid the pitfalls I would suggest you both give it some time; however, anticipate that you are going to have to apologize - even if you don't think an apology is required. At minimum I would wait for the funeral to be over before you attempt this apology. When it is addressed (between your boyfriend and brother of the deceased) don't be surprised of the awkwardness this is going to bring initially; however, it should be done.
I have a personal experience that I would share with you off line if you are interested.
Best to you and your boyfriend.
Gerry
2007-10-04 06:00:29 · answer #1 · answered by Gerry 7 · 8⤊ 0⤋
My neighbour killed himself 4 years ago, my dad found him a few hours before his son would have come home and found him. The police took a very long time to come and by the time this man's son had come home, they still weren't there (they'd driven off to get a priest, as if that was the main priority) so I had to tell him. That was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do, I still now wake up in a cold sweat sometimes because I think that I let him down somehow, that I wasn't sensitive enough, that I didn't prepare him enough for what I was about to say. It's so hard but at the same time I know that it was probably better he hear it from me first before he went into his house with the ambulance parked on the drive and paramedics in the house, not to mention the body of his father, and found out from strangers. Your boyfriend did a brave and compassionate thing, it is so much better to find out from a friend than the police for example.
The family of my neighbour didn't start calling people until after about 24 hours because they were so traumatised and it was just too much for them. This is probably why the mother of your boyfriend's friend didn't tell anyone straight away because it's such a huge thing to deal with. Perhaps she wanted to be on her own for a while and just break down. Everybody reacts differently and I guess this is how she reacted.
All you can do for your boyfriend is to be there for him, support him, listen when he needs to talk and give him space when he needs it. Ensure him that he did all he could, there is no right or wrong in a situation like this but he did what was necessary at the time. It is incredibly painful to know that someone's life was so unbearable that they couldn't carry on living, especially if you are close to that person, I really feel for your boyfriend. It's good that he has you :-)
2007-10-04 01:13:49 · answer #2 · answered by Fröken Fräken 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First off let me say how sorry I am for the loss of your friend. I don't feel that your sweetie did anything wrong in contacting the brother, it's a very normal thing to do, especially because they were so close. In all honesty, I would have done the same thing had it been a close girlfriend of mine. I'm sure the brother wouldn't have wanted to hear that kind of news on the street, please relay that to your boyfriend. As far as the parents not notifying the siblings, who knows the answer to that. Possibly the shock factor came into play or disbelief. I wish for the two of you peace at this time of sorrow.
2007-10-04 03:02:05 · answer #3 · answered by ishowtt4beads 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Has your boyfriend ever heard the saying, "that's what friends are for"? If the mother hadn't called yet, there may be a strained relationship and it was probably easier for the friend to hear it from your bf. Assure him he did the right thing. And yes, etiquette is a good catagory for the question. If he was debating whether or not to tell, the proper thing would be to call and tell the friend of the death, a.s.a.p.
Sorry for your loss.
2007-10-04 04:22:35 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your bf is just going to feel bad for a little while- I think that is normal. Just keep reassuring him that he is ok and a good friend. The mother may just not be able to deal. It is possible that the family is not super solid either. Usually if your family is good they can help keep you going, even through the really bad times. I think it was good that your bf did the right thing. All you can do is keep being an awesome and bright light for him.
2007-10-04 00:22:54 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
OMG, that is so sad I am very sorry. It is totally normal for someone to feel the way you do. It may hard and you may not know how to deal with your feelings of this tradegy, and that is normal too. Death is a part of each person't life cycle. Try to avoid the subject--even deny that death will occur--may seem to be the easiest way to cope with the idea of death. In fact, many people do this. Don't feel bad if you are afraid, confused, or uneasy about this subject. Many people are. About ur friend, I think this incident could have been prevented. It is important to realize that most people who attempt suicide are not mentally ill, as many would believe. Although a few of those who attempt suicide could be classified as mentally ill, most are simply very troubled people who are unable to cope with their problems. You should tell others who might be able to help--such as parents, friends, teachers, or other professionals about this situation. Trust your own feelings that help is needed.
2016-04-07 03:20:22 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sure that spreading the news wasn't the first thing on her mind at the moment. I mean, who wants to tell everyone that their son just killed himself? I don't think your boyfriend should feel guilty, he didn't know. It sucks that he had to be the bearer of bad news, but it happened, and there's not much he can do about it now. Just be there for your boyfriend, and let him know that he is not alone in his mourning. I hope you get through this ok.
2007-10-04 00:28:53 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
The brother of the poor guy who took his life will be feeling pretty horrible right now; and if I were him, I'd be very appreciative of a call coming from "anyone" to tell me what had happened.
A sympathy card from your boyfriend to the brother with a few words to say he's sorry he was the one to give him the news is a gesture of compassion and kindness.
The mother probably didn't call the siblings because she was probably in a state of shock intermingled with indeterminable grief.
I offer my sympathy for you both and the families concerned.
2007-10-04 00:25:30 · answer #8 · answered by Miss Sally Anne 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
His friend CHOSE to die -- yeah, get it right.
All the mire, what ifs, should I haves, bath, blah, blah are not going to change anything.
It is not about anyone else, it was about the deceased, if people feel guilt and whatever, so be it.
The lad that chose to take his life is gone. Deceased is the only person who knew 'why'.
Your boyfriend was not able to change anything, the lad made his choice. Boyfriend will be grieving and upset, it is a very difficult thing to accept. Keep the conversation going with you, your family and him if he chooses, talk.
He must move on and not feel burdened by this.
Respect and love the deceased, let go of the misery. He will always be in your minds and be with you so remember him happy doing the stuff he loved.
Take good care,
Pacifica
2007-10-04 04:08:45 · answer #9 · answered by Pacifica 6 · 0⤊ 4⤋
you dont know how this women reacted at her son killing himself most likely the women went into breakdown mode where her thoughts arent her own yes she should of phoned her kids to tell them but maybe it didnt sink in what had happened how would you react if it was a family member of yours? we all act diffrently in grief they aint no right or wrong way im sorry to hear your friend died just be their for your boyfriend
2007-10-04 00:19:17 · answer #10 · answered by xx Julie xx 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋