being honest to your adopted child.?

Question

how do you think is the best way to tell your adopted child any of the following information without them feeling like total poo?
1.) His b-mom did drugs while pregnant
2.) She decided to parent the other children (1 id 20mos
older1 is 20mos younger. Both healthy
3.) she wants absolutely no contact
4.) b-dad is incarcrated for non-support (and has a new baby on the way)

Do I tell him EVERYTHING. When? when he's an adult.

My mom was an alcoholic who left me in the car at parties, who made sure there was beer before milk in the fridge. At 5 I was mixing her drinks. She slept with my sisters b-friend and got pregnant. And for years I felt like I was doomed to be like her. Of course now I undrstand that I'm my own person, but I don't want him to think that he is doomed to be like them.

Answer 1

The best way to tell him these things is with COMPASSION.

1) Drug addiction is an illness (not an evil sin!).
2) She was okay before, but suffered from this illness when she was pregnant with him. After a long time, she was able to get better.
3) She feels so badly about this right now that she is not strong enough in her heart to see him. Hopefully, she will be stronger one day.
4) He fell on hard times and didn't have enough money to pay his siblings' mother to help take care of them, so he had to go to jail for a while.

I understand that you were very hurt as a child due to your mother's illness. I hope you can see that it was an illness, and I hope you can get some help to work through the issues you have with her. Until then, it would appear that you are projecting those issues onto your child's mother (and other issues onto his father as well). He will sense this and project that perceived "badness" on himself. Not good.

It might help if you did some research and learned about the nature of drug addiction.

Answer 2

One of the reasons I say I'm personally pro-life, but pro-choice for everyone else in the world (meaning I don't think anyone has any right to dictate to others what they should do with their bodies) is because of my own fertility drama. But.... my daughter is adopted and the last thing I advocate is a bunch of pro-lifers adopting kids because they think it makes their position better or it makes them a humanitarian. There is truth that there are lots of children that do need homes, but it would be better to spend one's time and effort helping solve the problems that lead to those children needing homes. I'd have more respect for pro-lifers if they did more to teach safe sex, supported young and disadvantaged mothers, worked to prevent child abuse/neglect, etc. These are the things that we would best put our efforts into. Adoption is a wonderful choice when it's a decision made for the right reasons. But too often it's a decision made as a result of a total failure on the part of the family, community, and society at large who is supposed to be concerned with the future generations. Sorry, I didn't mean to rant on your question. I have a tendency to climb up on my high horse when adoption gets equated to some sort of noble deed.

Answer 3

Do not say that the birth mother didn't love him/her, even if you feel that is the case, because you really don't know. Don't be graphic, but don't lie. Tell your child that the birth mother made a decision at the time that she wasn't able to properly care for him/her. The rest should only be revealed if the child asks about those specific subjects. If you are totally honest, I have been told that the child will accept your answer and move on to other subjects.

Answer 4

I am an adopted child, youngest of 4 adopted kids. I am now 36. Our parents told us we were adopted right from the very start, they told us we were special because we were adopted. I grew up feeling very proud of that fact. Answer his question as honestly as you can for his age. No need to get into deep about the bad details if he is to young. Mom & dad always called our birth mothers angels, because they gave them us kids. We were a gift from god. If he feels secure with you & nows he is so deeply loved & you are grateful to the b-mom for him, it will make all the other stuff not so bad. Just let him ask for the details as he gets older, he may never ask for them. I grew up feeling very proud & secure, and it was a when I found my b-mom & found out that I have an older sis, & a younger brother. And my b-mom told me I was a product of rape, but being raised as I was it didn't affect me in a negitive way. I can't imangine my life anyother way. I keep close contact with my b-family, but they are not my REAL family. Hope this helps some.

Answer 5

If you wait too long and somehow he finds out he will be VERY bitter and hold it against you....

My uncle ( really my cousin) was addopted at birth, my aunt his mother didnt want him.....or his sister, my grandparents raised him and his sister, he found out when he was 16, he is now 40 and is still hurt that he was lied too..... Honesty is the best policy when you think its time..... Just dont wait to long

You dont have to tell him everything but you can sugar coat it so it doesnt sound as bad BUT IF HE ASKS TELL HIM THE FULL THRUTH.... He will love you and respect you for telling him........ and stress how much you love him and how much joy he has brought you.

Answer 6

Be honest with a great deal of compassion. Do it age appropriately. Make sure you keep the natural parent's information. The child once he is an adult can make the decision to contact.

Answer 7

My mom was always open with me about everything she knew about my birthmother. I know that she smoked...I know that she had gestational diabetes...and I know she was 21. If there was anything else, something horrible, I wouldn't really care, because that's not who I am. I'd feel more hurt knowing my mom kept something from me than I would about knowing the truth all along.

Answer 8

I don't think you ever lie to your child, but I don't think you give information in the same way at each age.

At age 5 if your child is wondering why his birthmother relinquished, you can tell him she was sick and couldn't take care of him. Simply say that, at the time his bio siblings were born, she thought she was well enough to take care of them.

I think a good age to introduce details that may be more hurtful is about age 11. That is generally the recommended age to reveal difficult information. They are old enough to understand, but not in the middle of the adolescent identity crisis where it can get all wrapped up in their identity. They can come to some understanding and acceptance before going through adolescence.

Answer 9

Tell your kid when he is old enough to understand. As time goes on you'll want to tell more and more. When he is a teen, he will probably be able to handle the full truth. Only tell him age appropriate things. Good luck.

Answer 10

I think that all children need to know where they came from and honesty is the best policy. Letting the child think that false facts and later find out that YOU held the truth from them is only going to make you look like the bad guy. So ...yes...you need to tell the child what you know.

Now the other question as to when.... well that is a hard one to answer. I don't think that telling them when they are young is a good idea. You really need to wait till they are older and can understand. I also think you need to "present" the information with compassion and empathy and let them see that their mom was not a bad person but a person with some major problems that she could not control. I also think that you, as their mom, are best able to tell when your child is mature enough to "wrap their brain" around the information without blaming themselves. Every child is different. Some are not mature enough till they are 40 (like my brother) and then some are when they are 15.