I regularly dream about my last girlfriend, what is it that I have left unresolved?

Question

3yr relationship, my 1st love, meant everything to me cos other things in my life weren't making me happy. But she often left me feeling frustrated and unloved. Brokeup Jun06 as we both graduated. She moved away, I stayed put & got on with life, forgetting about her until xmas when we got back in touch. She told me she was still 'so in love with me' and my heart melted. We met up, decided that getting back together wouldn't work. Very soon after she got together with someone I knew, this came as a huge shock. A couple of months later I decided on a career change and moved back to my home town. Since then I have had alot of time on my hands. I have been regularly dreaming about her, we're in the present/near future & we're getting back together & I feel happy on the surface but a sense of dread on the inside as I am lured back into the unhealthy relationship that we shared. I don't know what to do to resolve the issue. I am desperate to move on and forget her. I don't want her back.

You're right. I feel it's a vicious circle. I feel unhappy becasue I am alone but I am alone becasue I am unhappy.

I know that I need to find my passions in life so that I can be a whole person.

I find it very difficult because I put 5 years of my life into my career as an architect and my relationship with my ex. Neither of those things worked out or made me happy so now I have a clean slate which is good but VERY daunting. I don't want to make another wrong move.

I've been encouraged just to try something, anything to get the ball rolling and if it sucks just keep trying other things. I am attempting to do that by applying for different jobs but I am finding it very hard to think of things that I want to do.

Ideally I just want to be busy, meeting people and working hard on some things that I enjoy in some way.

Answer 1

Well, to honest, I think more than anything, it's because you know that if you aren't happy with yourself, and happy within yourself, that another person isn't going to make you happy, no matter how right it might seem to be with this person. I think the reason you're happy on the surface, but unhappy underneath in your dream, is that what you really want is a relationship with *someone*, but you know it would be a bad thing with her, so maybe in your dream you're getting back together with her in order to have someone in your life, but you know that's the wrong thing to do. The way your post reads, it isn't just this relationship, but your entire life that you aren't happy with. At least you are aware that this relationship is co-dependent and unhealthy. To move on, you need to find out who you are and how to frame your life in a way that you feel happy when you get up in the morning. (when I say "happy", I don't mean that everything is sweetness and light 24/7. Bad things happen, boring things happen, conflicts happen. But if you are living an over all "happy" life, you will be able to look over it 20 years from now, and feel an overall satisfaction about the way you've lived it) Once you have accomplished this, then you will have so much more to share with the "right" person. You sound really young yet, maybe some travel, or classes, or workshops would help fill your time so you don't dwell on her so much, help you become a more well rounded person, and help you meet other people... Maybe doing some volunteer work would help improve your self esteem...good luck.....

Edit: You didn't waste 5 years on something that didn't work out, you invested 5 years in gaining life experience, and you now have 5 years experience you didn't have before to offer, try thinking of it that way....
"Neither of those things worked out or made me happy so now I have a clean slate which is good but VERY daunting. I don't want to make another wrong move."
Well, maybe you are trying to look at too big a picture, or setting goals that are too idealized or something. At your age, you want to change the whole world. Try bringing things down to your neighborhood for awhile.
"I've been encouraged just to try something, anything to get the ball rolling and if it sucks just keep trying other things. I am attempting to do that by applying for different jobs but I am finding it very hard to think of things that I want to do."
Your family and friends are right about that, every little thing you do ultimately adds up to becoming experience. And the more experience you have, the more confident you will be, the more skills you will have to offer, and even though you might think that you are doing something unrelated to where you ultimately want to wind up, even those skills that seem unrelated might come in handy sometime. Even if you don't know what you ultimately want to do, anything you do today has the potential to help you realize through experience where your talents lie, and has the potential to lead you to something bigger, if you take a chance on it...

Answer 2

The "side dishes" in this case is un-important. Old traditions say that a dream about a lover might be a sign of impending illness. Keep a check on yourself. Also you have broke out of a present relationship but scorn faithfulness. You are looking for a lover partner with perfect attributes--something you probably will never find. You are trying to compensate for unfulfilled expectations and disappointment in personal relationships. You are looking for idealized and unrealizable love. Be sensible, lower your expectations! XX