Parents getting divorced? Moral decision on my part...?

Question

Ok... here is the thing, I am 20 years old, and my mother, whom I have a close relationship with, announced that she is divorcing my dad, who has fallen into mental illness (he is really unbearable to be with now) - he is a college professor, now he is completely insane. My mom can't bear it anymore because his condition is not changing... However, she had not told my Dad yet, and she told me not to tell him either... She already got an apartment of her own and plans on leaving in a month.

I am really feeling sorry for my dad, it breaks my heart to see the poor man lose everything like this... even though I understand why my mother is leaving - she can't live her life taking care of a crazy person...

Should I go ahead and give my dad a heads up in hopes that he may change? I was thinking about telling him, "heads up you are about to lose your wife, unless you don't do anything about it?" But I'm not sure how he will react... I don't want to betray my mom, he may explode...

Extra info: My mom is staying with me for a few days until she can get moved out... so, I don't want to hurt her...

Answer 1

Oh my, what a terrible position to be placed. I want you to know that I have much respect for you from this question! What a precious son you are!

You know, your Mom trusted you enough to share this as she may be afraid to tell your Dad. How torn this must have you to be between the two, who gave you life! However, there is One who loves you more and gave you a precious soul...the Creator, God!

I do not know if you are a Christian or, not. I pray so. If you are, I will tell you that God can make this lighter to bare and heal all the pain! In as much, I am a Christian and I will be praying for all three of you. This is a rough time for you and if you need to talk, e-mail me and I will listen.

Noone, can really tell you what to do! But, through prayer, God can show you how to deal with this in a loving manner!

I will be praying for guidance for you and for healing of your dad!

Answer 2

Your right society is taking a beating from divorce. 90% believe that adultery is wrong but 50% of marriages have an affair. Even in countries that adultery is punishable by death it still happens. No matter how hard we try to force monogamy as a way of life, we can't overcome human nature. In the United States if you want some verity then you are put into a position that sucks either you cheat or divorce. We should be a little more excepting of sexual desires and the divorce rate would fall. I am glad that I have an understanding wife. I have not cheated on her but we are not strictly monogamist. We have done some adventures things together that keeps the interest alive.

Answer 3

If your father is mentally ill, giving him a heads-up about your mom leaving him isn't going to magically cure him or make him "change his ways". He's not behaving the way he is deliberately, in order to be a troublemaker or a pain in the you-know-what -- he's **sick** and can't help it. He needs to be in a hospital, or at the very least, under the continuing care of a psychiatrist. With appropriate psychiatric medication and therapy, over time, your father can get better and function more-or-less normally on a day-to-day basis. But if he's delusional or psychotic and not currently receiving treatment for his illness, you have no way of knowing how he will react to the news that his wife is about to leave him. For all you know, he could react violently and become a danger to himself or others (like your mother, or you).

If you want to help your father, the best thing you and your mother could do for him would be to get him into treatment, even if it means involuntarily committing him to a mental hospital.

Answer 4

Hi & I certainly can understand how difficult this is for you.

It is your mother's place to tell your dad, not yours. You need to give her room to do it on her own time -- it's surely not easy for her.

And even if you told your dad, what good will it do? If he shapes up this month, it's probably not going to change your mother's mind, is it? If she's given up on the marriage and your dad is incapacitated, there just isn't anyone available to fix this marriage and make it right.

I know it's tough and I'm very sorry. The best you can do is ask your mom to consider only a legal separation and not a divorce so that there is some hope for reconciliation.

Answer 5

Since you say your Dad is mentally ill, I'm assuming he's so far gone that he doesn't notice his wife is missing and that she is staying with you? If he does, hasn't he questioned why she has moved? I know you say you are close with your Mom but she really should not have gotten you involved with something that involves just she and your Dad. You say you didn't want to betray your Mom, but it seems like due to her own burdens from dealing with your Dad she's become blinded to your feelings and consumed with her own.

Second, I believe your father will find out on his own about the pending divorce when he receives the papers in the mail. You should let him. There is no need to involve yourself further. If he explodes, it will be with your Mom...maybe, because after all, you did allow her to move in with you and although you say you didn't want to betray your Mom, your father will feel betrayed. He will know that you knew. Still, I wouldn't say anything. Let them hereon, deal with each other. When your mother gets her own place, be emotionally supportive of her, but don't take sides either way. And if your father asks you if you knew about it, speak the truth, but tell him you didn't want to get involved and that you couldn't control your mother telling you or not telling you, but that you yourself COULD control not wanting to hurt neither his feelings or your mom's because you love them both.

Hopefully it works out...

Answer 6

My parents went through a divorce when I was 11. as soon as the you tell him and you tell her started, I got them both together , sat them down and told them this. I love you both very much. but I refuse to get stuck in the middle of all this. If you have something to say to him say it. if you have something to say to her say it to her. I have relationships with you dad, and I have a relationship with you mom. what goes on with your personal relationship, though it will affect me, is your own business Not mine!. I will be here for both of you as your child, As I know you will be there for me as my parents.Any Questions? No? good. they never fought from that point on, even though they went ahead with the divorce. Years later, they still visit from time to time. But since that day, all malice disappeared. and there is an old saying also.. a blow out is better then a slow leak. I bet your parents problems have been there building a long time. one was probably putting air in the tire the other was letting it out . if you have a slow leak you a prone to just put a little more air into it till it goes flat again. a blowout.. forces you to fix it period. maybe this shock is what he needs to get help. either way it is a tough call. I would only offer advice when asked. and help when asked. other then that stay out of their relationship best you can.

Answer 7

Let sleeping dogs lie. This is between your mother and your father. Try to maintain impartiality if you wish to remain friendly with both sides. Betraying your mother's confidence will not help the situation. If your father could have changed, he would have by now. He may be beyond medical control. If so, you or she may need to have him declared incompetent and placed somewhere where he can't hurt himself or others.

This is no one's fault. Sometimes situations just suck, and you have to do the best you can and move on. If you do believe he will be violent, I urge you to have your mother take folks with her (up to and including the police) when she makes the final move. Being careful is a good thing.

Answer 8

My impression is that if your mother has set her mind, telling him will not prevent her from leaving him. And if your dad is seriously ill, your telling him won't make him better and it may make him worse. If he needs to be in an institution, that should be taken care of before your mother moves out. I am assuming here that your dad cannot be safely on his own.

Edit:: LDS Mom put it a lot better than I could. You should not get into the middle of this.

Answer 9

I'm not a mental illness expert but if he is having mental problems he needs to go to the doctors. Maybe they can help him get his life back in control. Neither you or your mother can fix your dad. He has to take the steps to do it himself. You don't know if they've spoken about him getting help do you? If not then you should stay out of it. I'm sure she didn't make this decision easily. You never know what goes on when you aren't around.

Don't betray your mother's trust. Telling your dad could make it worse. If he is mentally unstable it may give him time to do set up something for when she does tell him.

I'm sure they both love you very much. Just stay out of it, you could get hurt putting yourself in the middle.

As for the one who said he guess she didn't take the in illness and health, my sister was married to a crazy guy, I mean clinically he was diagnosed and no one told her before they married. He tried to kill her for 3 years before she left. He refused to get help. So stop judging people when you don't know anything about it.

Answer 10

I wouldn't tell your Dad but I would gently encourage your Mom to. If he has a mental illness, he can't change no matter how much he tries or wants to, unless he refuses to take meds. It's like thinking someone with sickle cell anemia will change one day.
No offense, but based on what you have told me, your Mom needs to think about this: Pretty inconsiderate to drag you into the middle of it, not even thinking about what a shitty situation that puts you in. Why burden you with this info? She needs someone to confide in. OK, but she should have a neutral party for that, not you. Also, whatever happened to "for better or for worse?"