Is this my problem? if so how else can i help?

Question

My folks are going through a rough time. (i am living with them for the next three weeks)
my dad suffers from depression however doesnt seem to be doing anything to help himself (and he isnt taking his meds)
he has just started up this company and is pouring all their savings into it. i dotn trust that he can make it work.

then there is my mum who is bending over backwards to bring in money (she has a good stable job but gets a lot of grief at work) and keep the house tidy and togetehr and support my dad.
she has been the soul breadwinner since we moved to the UK 2 years ago and my dad got depressed and kind of mucked aorund jobwise

i think he should pull it togetehr and just get a proper job like the rest of the world has to.

but that main thing is that he doesnt talk to her, he doesnt give her the space to air how bad and sad she is feeling (she cries most nights and i do what i can to comfort her - but you can imagine the emotinal and finacial worry) yet his aatitude

is that she must support him now. yet that doesnt mean that he cant give her the time of day!!!

i just cant help feeling that there must be somehting i can do yet on the other hand i need to get on with my own life.
this sint reall a burden a child should be taking on
by child i mean theirs as i am an adult.

any advice is appreciated. many thanks

I am not living at home i am just there temporraily and yes i am doing what i can to help finiancially

Answer 1

I don't envy you and hope my daughters turn out just like you. It is not your problem directly and you should not be blaming yourself for this. I have been the Sole breadwinner for my family a few years back and also had a similar problem in that hubby was not always as supportive as he should - he did get depressed and things sometimes got out of hand. The other issue that you have to consider is the skills that your dad has and his age - the older you are the more difficult it will be to actually bag a job that he would feel suited to. The next thing is your mom really has to give him an ultimatum - if he is manic depressive and needs to be on meds then he needs to taken them or he will do something totally foolish - sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind (it won't be easy) - and carry on doing what you are doing now - listen to her - let her vent out her anger, anguish and hopes - she needs this or she will be unable to cope. Good luck to you both

Answer 2

Depression can be a debilitating thing. Be kind to you father and encourage him to get some help and to take his medications. Let him know that you love him and have confidence in the fact that in time, he will get his depression under control and will get a job and be a proper husband and father. Do all you can to help your mother. Help her around the house, fix some meals. Just be available to do whatever you can. You say you are an adult? Are you living at home? Are you helping financially? Help your mom understand that the way your dad is treating her, is mostly about HIM and not her. A depressed person doesn't really see how they are affecting other people around them. They are living in a cloud of gloom. He needs all the love and support that both you and your mom can give him.

Answer 3

sorry to hear about your situation. i think the best you can do at the moment is be there for your mum( physically and emotionally): tell her you want to help.
your dad obiously needs help also. if anyone has sufferd from depression they will tell you that it is not possible to just snap out of it...it is an illness....maybe he needs some counciling. along with the medication. Im not an expert...but if he has had problems with work for a while, that could mean that hes been depressed for much longer than you think.
also circumstances have changed for your family since you have moved to the uk....he could be homesick as well.. its not as easy for older people to adapt to a new way of life.
hope you can sort things out..it sounds like they are lucky to have you....stay positive and look forward to a happier future.
Good luck!

Answer 4

I think that you all need to sit down and (be really honest with each other). Talk about how all these problems suddenly seemed to of manifested Set aside times (maybe like after the evening meal) talk and discuss what things should be done and do a wall chart, for the remaining year of days and activities to do together, and/or what each person needs to do solo. plan the chart so that not only the days and week are written down, but the times and activities also.

Answer 5

You're right, it isn't your issue. Your parents have to work things out for themselves. It's hard to watch someone you love go through difficult times but sometimes you have to stay out of it so they can learn their own lessons. It sounds like the biggest problem in their marriage is a lack of communication.

Your Mum is upset about everything she has to do and feels like he's not being supportive. But what is your Dad going through? Is he the bad guy or is he feeling like she's let him down? You said his depression started when you moved to the UK. What else happened around that time? What was the reason for the move? What did he feel like he gave up? Someone once said to me that depression is really anger turned inside out. What has your Dad been angry about that he's not talking about?

If you want to try to help, encourage them both to talk about what's going on. Your Dad especially. But beyond that, you probably want to stay out of it and let them work things out for themselves.

Answer 6

Hi.. your mother sounds depressed, too, and is she doing something about it? Maybe she could talk to her doctor... and stop bending over backwards to do everything at home. She needs to take time to pamper herself, too...

Crying is a good way to express our emotions, but if it's on a nightly basis, there is a problem. You can urge her to see the doctor, and that's the best you can do.

Same goes for your dad... it's his savings and if he chooses to squander it away, and his business doesn't work out, it's really not your problem

You are not responsible for your parents or their finances, or the way they live their lives.

I know you are concerned, but i think the best thing to do is take care of YOU.

Answer 7

Yes i agree with your points of view, but i think it should be left for them to sort out?! They have thier life and you have yours. I think you should be there for them, but also distance yourself and let them work thier way through things. You must be feeling like you wish you could do something to help them, but things are sometimes best left for time to work its magic. If your mum is happy doing what she does and sees she has to, i dont think anything is going to make her change her mind. She may see that she is helping your Dad and its the only thing to do, it may also be the only way for her to deal with her problems, to concentrate on work to take her mind off things. I really do think you should leave them to work things out.

Good luck x

Answer 8

Your must let your parents decide what they need to do. Just be supportive. You can discuss how you feel as calmly as you can, but in the end, they must make their own decisions.