Be honest please! I like creative criticism. It feels like it's missing something, but can't put my finger on it.
My Proposal
I had the same dreams last night,
Where I wake up, and everything is right,
Her lips close to me as I open my eyes,
She is here loving me without fear.
A cool wind breezes the window curtains,
Pulling the comforter up, holding her closer,
I'll care for her forever, this I am certain,
Smiling bliss, knowing we'll venture further,
She smile, and doesn't say anything.
I am sure, because she is all I know,
I need her here to love and guide me,
So I take her hand, not travelling alone.
Extending my heart and soul in my hand,
I ask her to stay, she's everything I am,
To be with me on this adventure,
My compass and my key, I need her with me.
2007-10-02 19:51:16 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
You have used the word "I" too many times & have focussed on what you need & want. A love poem is supposed to be about the person you love, not yourself.
Apart from that its great. If someone wrote me a poem like that I would be really happy.
2007-10-02 19:56:01 · answer #1 · answered by monkeyface 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I personally am fond of rhyming poems, but nevertheless, you've done a beautiful job! One thing I noticed is that it ends before it finishes. You said you asked her to stay, but we don't know how she responds. And we're assuming "she" is a woman, right? (Not an idea, like beauty, wisdom - which is reffered to as 'she' in the book of Proverbs - love, etc.?) I think it just needs one more paragraph to wrap it all up, to be the big crescendo. :) Good luck, and good job!
P.S. Monkeyface made a good point, too, about love poems being about the other person more than yourself.
2007-10-02 19:57:56 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very nice!! The reason you feel it is missing something is because no one can completely describe how they feel when they are in love, and that is what you are trying to do. It will never feel complete. There is always that need to express more, but you will never be able to.
It is just like asking someone to describe love to them. You can say a lot about it, but you answer never feels complete.
2007-10-02 19:58:20 · answer #3 · answered by PEGGY S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wonderful !!! Though I don't know 20% words of your poem. um, why you say she's a flower in the DESERT, and you are just the right rain? I think that's kinda exaggerated, and she may think you are an overconfident man.
2016-05-19 21:15:10 · answer #4 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
About the poem,a question are u writing it because Ur sad.its a good 1 i have read so far..u have a good sense of imagining.u will go far with it in future.And there's no need to modify anything
2007-10-02 20:05:39 · answer #5 · answered by isaac l 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Awwwwwwwww that's so sweet... you must really love her. I think you might wanna check your grammar and i think you should add something like "souls entwined, how i hope she'll always be mine" etc. Good luck!
Oh, check out my question... free two points!
2007-10-02 19:57:57 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Check the spelling and grammar. Other than that it's a nice poem.
2007-10-02 19:58:23 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I love it. I don't think it needs anything.
So sweet. She's a lucky girl.
2007-10-02 19:55:10 · answer #8 · answered by loza500 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Awww :'( that beautiful, sounds like she is very special.
2007-10-02 19:54:52 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its good,but it does seem like its missing something
2007-10-02 19:55:15 · answer #10 · answered by His princess <3 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋