My fiance not accepting my son?

Question

I have been with my fiance for 2 years. He knew well before we were together that i had a son from another relationship. My son is 4 and i cannot get my fiance to accept him like his own.
My fiance and i just had another baby together which is his first child and he is perfect with her.
I am constantly in the middle of him and my son... I feel i have to choose. i love them both dearly but of course my son will always come first...
What can i do to make them get along with each other everything i have tried so far don't work... I don't want to loose my fiance but i don't want my son to hate coming to see me
any advice would be great

Answer 1

You're kidding right? You're going to have to choose between your fiance and your own child if the fiance won't accept your son. The choice is...should be...very, very obvious.

Answer 2

Honey, believe it or not, this a common thing. And the reason it is so hard, is because you are expecting him to treat him like it's his child too and it's not. He didn't have that bond since birth like he does with his daughter. The relationship is different. That doesn't mean it has to be this way all the time though. You can change how each other views the other by making them buddies. I know it sounds childish, but it works. Having a son to do "male" things with will help. There are balls to be tossed, bikes to learn to ride, tools that need to be handed over when fixing something, etc. Whatever it is your husband is doing, encourage your son to help. The more time they spend together, the less time they spend resenting each other. Before long, it'll come naturally. And be glad they have this chance to do this at an early age. Once a child reaches a certain age, to develop a bond is almost impossible.

Cheer up hon, you can do this. You just have to learn to stop doting on your son and putting yourself between them two. Give them the chance to do things together and you'll be amazed at what they can accomplish.

Answer 3

It would be a deal breaker for some people. Yet given the recent addition you need to make this work if possible. It will be a real challenge for your fiance to accept your son as his own because he is not. From what you say your son is not there full time too so they don't get to rub shoulders on a daily basis. Would your fiance be open to going on a bonding outing to the zoo, museum or local park to get to know your son a little better? Also make use of Father's Day to encourage your son to make a card and or present for your fiance. All the best with that situation.

Answer 4

I would point out the obvious to him. I would show him how he does for his daughter and not your son. I would also explain it was a package deal. If he does not want to work on it or at least make an effort to be a father to your son, I would tell him not to make you choose because if you do he will not be happy and that you promise to find a man who will be good to your daughter!
Our children come first always!!! Don't let some man do that to your son. In the end your son will only blame you!
At first it was hard for my husband and my daughter. She is a little older (16) and we started dating when she was 12, so she had a whole lot of attitude at first. But I did what I had to do. Now they are awesome together, she doesn't even want to go and see her own father anymore.
You need to put your foot down.

Answer 5

Yikes. Just sit down with your fiance and discuss how you feel.. If he truly loves you...he will accept your son since he is part of you. You state that your son comes first...that is admirable, but you are 'lumping' your other child with the fiance as a 'Take it or leave it scenario'. This is wrong. Worst case scenario: You break up with your fiance and have 2 children from different relationships. Both loved EQUALLY by their mother ('fathers' notwithstanding).

Just sit down and discuss it. Remember: The children should ALWAYS come first in a relationship as they are unable to look out for their best interests.

Good Luck!

Answer 6

If your fiance will not accept your son then you need to leave him. It may be hard but he is your son and he has to always comes first. Your son is 4 years old. He needs his mother. You should let him know if he will not learn to accept your son then the relationship is over.

Answer 7

Why the heck did you have a baby with this "fiance" when it was clear he wouldn't accept your son?
Why have a baby with any guy that you have not married?
Try family counseling. He needs to be a daddy to both kids, not just the one he fathered. He should have figured it out a long time ago that you and your kid(s) are a package deal.

Answer 8

In my opinion, if you love your 4 yo, leave your fiance.

My mum married another guy right after my dad passed away. I was a little kid in grade 1. He never quite accepted me - in his own exact words - I was the poison in his marriage - but to be fair, I never quite like him anyway.

Mum chose to stay with him, until the day he died. I have never forgiven mum for this. And thank god he finally died.

Lucky for me, I had the safety net - grandparents, other relos. I left home, I left the country, when I was 18. I never abandoned my education.

We speaks - we're very civil. She's still my mum. And I am still her daughter.

I don't know whether mum regretted anything.

Mum was not there for my wedding, my uni graduation.... doesn't bother me really.

I hate, really hate, those years before I turned 18 and before I left home for good. (*sigh* such a long time ago... going 15 years now)

I am thankful and love my late grandparents for supporting me all the way through.

Answer 9

Hi Kristy H,
This will take time. As much as he loves you, it's never easy for a man to take in a child not his own. Not everyone is as open-minded Especially now that you both have a daughter of your own for him to shower his affection. It's almost impossible for him to take notice of your son. The last thing you need to do now is force the issue. It's the surest way to putting a strain in your relationship. My advise is: As hard as it is, acceptance of the situation is the only answer. In the end, all will balanced out since unmindfully you will fill him with more love (to make up for the absence of paternal love). In fact, I won't be surprised if you show preference for him than your other daughter (because he's the underdog). Please don't even think that you have to choose between them because in the end, the real loser will be you..Actually it's not even between your fiance & your son..You forgot to factor in your new daughter.

Answer 10

You really need to just tell your fiance straight up. I had a friend who's mom kicked him out because his "step-dad" picked a fight with him...I'm not saying that it's gonna wind up like that, but if your children are really your first priority..then should you really be questioning. I don't think it's your son who isn't accepting, so you need to talk to your fiance about his attitude towards you son. If he won't accept him, then he isn't the man for you or your children. I know it's a hard decision to make, but the consequences of doing nothing will be much worse. [story at the beginning of post]