He is nice guy, cares for other people, cares alot for me..
but when we have really bad arguments he hits me not in a way that could kill me but he still hits me punches me in my arm or pushes me or grabs me real ugly.. and things like that...
and when i start crying he asks for forgiveness and says he loves me that he is sorry.. i leave him for a couple of days
but always end up back with him.. iam scared of getting married to someone who hits me .. i feel like my life is miserable... i try to get away from him but i can't he follows me everywhere he waits for me outside when i get out of school or work, til i talk to him... i want him to get some help because i really love him and i know he has a problem.... but i want to help him out...but i know i wont get married to him till i know he is safe to be with
2007-10-02 12:16:08 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Okay first thing to do is to tell someone. How old are you both anyway? This is real serious. You should tell someone but if he is that crazy then he might come after you for snitching on him so i can't really help u there.
2007-10-02 12:20:19 · answer #1 · answered by *QueenBri* 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You say that he hits you in a way that won't kill you. How many dead women said the same thing? It doesn't matter in what manner he hits you, what it comes down to is that he's hitting you. This is not only reprehensible, but also illegal. You say that you're afraid of getting married to someone who hits you. You can't have a relationship with an element of fear. Marriage won't change anything, just make it more difficult for you to get away from him if you need to.
An ugly divorce battle might well drive him over the edge. I don't know what could be so nice about a guy who thinks it's okay to hit women when there are plenty of other nice guys out there who don't hit women. If you're serious about leaving him there are steps you need to take, like getting a restraining order so that he can't follow you around. He seems very possessive, why else follow you around? There seems to be a lack of trust on his part towards you. Relationships are built on trust. The whole hitting and asking for forgiveness is the typical pattern of an abuser. Obviously he never learns, because he hasn't stopped hitting you.
you can ask all the questions here that you want, but you have to help yourself. Think hard if your present situation will ever work out. No one should be hit, staying with him only gives him greater power over you. He knows he can hit you, you'll cry, but you'll always come back. What is his incentive to change? Why do you tolerate being hit? It's ridiculous that women tolerate this. Only you know what's best for you, but you should try to get away. Leave when he's not there if you can. Move in with a friend, forward your mail, change your phone number, or just don't answer his calls and don't listen to any voicemails. Make yourself disappear. I don't know your work/school situation, so I can't help your avoidance there.
good luck.
2007-10-02 12:37:42 · answer #2 · answered by Agent Archer 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You need to get out of this relationship NOW!!! He should never have had the chance to hit you a second time. This man is dangerous. Stop trying to minimize what he does by saying he's not hurting you in a way that could kill you. The way he's hurting you NOW is UNACCEPTABLE! And could easily escalate to murder.
As for being a "nice guy" well he's proven that he's not by his behavior. Don't go by his words, go by his ACTIONS. As for caring for other people, well remember the BTK Killer in Kansas was a high church official. Lots of abusers ACT like nice guys in public. Everyone thought Scott Peterson was a nice guy too.
I see you have tried to leave and he does this:
>>i try to get away from him but i can't he follows me everywhere he waits for me outside when i get out of school or work, til i talk to him...<<
This is called stalking and is illegal. You need to leave him for once and for all. Don't wait for another fight. Get out now, and tell him in no uncertain terms you want no contact with him. Get a restraining order against him. Change your phone number.
>>i want him to get some help because i really love him and i know he has a problem.... but i want to help him out...but i know i wont get married to him till i know he is safe to be with<<
You are under the very dangerous illusion that he will change and you can help him. He will not change!!! An abuser changing is about as common as a sex offender changing into someone who is not a sex offender. It just doesn't happen. If THIS is how he treats you while dating, you life will be in SERIOUS DANGER should you marry him. He's on his best behavior now.
He doesn't deserve your love--YOU do. I suggest you get counseling to figure out why you have self esteem that's so rock bottom that you would stay with a man who hits you.
2007-10-02 12:26:53 · answer #3 · answered by Ms. X 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Wake UP!
Ok, what if one of your friends came to you with this problem? ("I really love him, but...")
What would you tell her? If you cared about her at all, you'd tell her to get the hell away! And if he keeps pursuing her, it is called HARASSMENT and is against the law. Get a restraining order. Put his a-s-s in jail if he violates it.
Let me tell you about 2 friends of mine... One was murdered 9 years ago by her husband in front of their 2-year-old daughter. The little girl is now 11 and without a mommy or daddy (he's in prison for life-- he ought to have been given the electric chair).
Another friend of mine didn't die, but she let herself be beaten enough and choked to the point of suffering a stroke and has permanent brain damage. She can't remember things well and has hallucinations.
YOU CANNOT HELP HIM! If he (IF, IF!!!!) ever gets better, it will be his own doing. Chances are, he will never change. The abuse will get worse and worse. You think it ever gets better?
I suggest you either get some counseling at a battered women's shelter, or at a minimum, research battered women's syndrome on the web. I bet you'll recognize a lot of similarities. (They ALL apologize! They ALL say it will never happen again! They ALL say they love you and can't live without you!)
Get away while you still can. If he won't leave you alone, call the police. If you really want to be safe, move and get a new, unlisted phone number.
You say he "cares a lot for you." Love doesn't hurt, baby. Remember that. Love makes you feel GOOD. This isn't love.
2007-10-02 12:26:51 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
If he really cared about at all, he wouldn't hit you. He would put your safety and well-being ahead of his own lack of self-control.
He may be sorry, but not sorry enough to change, and that is a pretty weak form of regret.
His following you isn't devotion, it's stalking and attempt to control/possess you. It shows that he doesn't care about what you need, only about what he wants. He will never put you ahead of himself, and that's why his "love" is hollow.
Don't fool yourself that he will change, or keep his promises, or that your love can cure him. Only he can change his ways, and only when he is really committed to doing so. And there is no reason you or any other woman should give him the time of day until he has proven that he can control himself, and proven it again and again and again.
You need to teach him that his actions have consequences , and that, much as you love him, you love yourself as well. You need to protect and respect yourself enough to walk away from this relationship for good. Break off all ties with him, give him back any gifts he gave you, block his number, and alert all your friends and family that he is not allowed near you again and they aren't to allow to to weaken and go back to him - and tell them why. Tell him that if he follows you again you will get a restraining order, and you're not interested in his excuses/promises/friendship. Tell him that if he wants to be a real man, and a real friend, he'll leave you alone and try to learn some self-control. Warn him that if you see him dating another girl, you are going to warn him about his violent behavior, because you don't want another girl to fall into the same danger you did. He needs to prove himself by actions, not words, because he's proven that he doesn't keep his word.
2007-10-02 12:30:34 · answer #5 · answered by teresathegreat 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he has anger problems they will only get worse. You do not need to be with someone that feels the need to hit you for any reason. Ever. Get out of this relationship. No matter how much he makes up for it afterward he should have enough self control and love for you to NEVER do it in the first place. if you feel like your life is miserable then it is. Get out of this relationship and move on with your life. This guy is worthless and not worth anything. He has a problem but it's not your problem. He is not safe to be with. Seriously, get the police involved. Or you could end up in the hospital or worse.
2007-10-02 12:23:00 · answer #6 · answered by pb&j 4 · 4⤊ 0⤋
My aunt married an abusive boyfriend and even wound up in the hospital a few times because of him beating her. Her exact words to why she didn't leave him THE FIRST TIME; "Because I love him". I will never understand women like you and my aunt. All I can say is good luck because my whole family tried to talk her out of leaving him, and she still would not do it. It's totally up to you and depends on how much strength you have, because since you love him even if he beats you, well, that's your problem. No one can help you but yourself. Sorry if I'm cold about, it's just how it is. It doesn't get better from here, it's a downward spiral.
2007-10-02 12:22:25 · answer #7 · answered by Goodbye 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
He grabs you when he gets angry....punches you in the arm.....and hits you...........then apologizes only to do it again in the future. Somehow I missed the part where he's a nice guy. There is no excuse whatsoever for a man to strike a woman. One of the lowest things a man can ever do. I would say.....he's doesn't love you....and he documents that everytime he raises his hand at you. Stop trying to help him and get yourself some help to get out of this situation before you get seriously hurt. An abusive man only gets more abusive.
2007-10-02 12:25:36 · answer #8 · answered by Marky Marc 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Hey girl, u need to watch Oprah or something but yea that is abuse. There are plenty of women out there in your same position and the best thing you can do is to get out as fast as you can, no matter how many times he begs for your forgiveness or says he loves you...If he loves you that much then he shouldnt hurt you. If your worried about not being safe, go to the police or go somewhere where your protected. I wish you my best!
2007-10-02 12:23:41 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i would not be with him. cause i have had a b/f hit me and it did not turn out good. he's my ex-boyfriend now. but what i done was get help form my dad, and he took care of it. so what i suggest to you is tell a friend or someone close to you that you trust. or call a group home. but by all means stay away from him. or call the police. well i hope it works out for you for the best and keep me posted on how things goes for you.
2007-10-04 03:12:33 · answer #10 · answered by shaie 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Coming from experience..GET AWAY as fast a u can and dont EVER EVER EVER look back..get a restraining order/or protective order...but if everybody including ur parents r tellin u this guy is no good take heed..he's really no good...if he hit u once he'll do it again....and again and again...i didnt listen to my mother or father..they have since passed away...i cant say u told me so or i should have listened..i have 2 kids now....a failed marriage....to this same horrible guy...it was one time that i thought i loved him but love doesnt hurt....love doesnt hit u and say im sorry or i'll neva do it again..that is not love
2007-10-02 13:12:00 · answer #11 · answered by carlimorr7 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋