Abusive Mother?

Question

I'm 28. My mother was physically and verbally abusive to me as a child. Now that she cannot hit me, she's turned into a very manipulative, controlling and obsessive person. I love her and have sought counselling to forgive her and are through with my issues with her and my childhood. But how much more counselling should I seek to deal with her NOW in a healthy way that wont damage what relationship I have with her? Note: SHE has never sought counselling. She recognizes her issues but appears to do nothing about them. How do I cope with this? Also...I moved to the other side of the US, away from her, a month ago, because she was beginning to have a negative effect on my son and my parenting. Any advice?

Answer 1

I hate to say this, but, you need to cut your losses with your mother and go on with your life....at least until she has shown that she's received counseling to deal with her problems.

She has no right to be a part of your life or your child's life as long as she is not behaving properly. Real mom's do not manipulate or control their grown children.

You need to tell your mother that she is not welcome to call or visit until she has gotten some help. Tell her she is manipulative and obsessed and that if she calls or visits, you'll get a restraining order.

You have finally broken free of your abusive mother, now you need to fly away from her.

Good luck!

Answer 2

hi, i'm answering because i've been through the same thing with my mom. i also moved across the country. and i can tell you that things didn't get better right away. it has been 10 long hard years since then, but things are much better now. i kept getting counseling as long as i needed it until i didn't have so many hard feelings and learned how to deal with her. what i had to do was if she called or emailed me and yelled, guilt tripped me etc. i had to tell her i am hanging up now because i'm not going to listen to this. then i had to ignore her for a few days until she got over it. don't even answer the phone or read her emails if she is mad (erase them before reading them until you know she isn't mad anymore). if she does/says something offensive, be honest with her and say "what you said...offended me". if she apologizes that is her business but at least you told her you were offended. also don't tell her anything personal so she won't have ammunition. just be very vague with your information. she has to prove that she can be trusted and if that never happens it is her loss. if you pray, then pray that God will change her heart and help her to get the help she needs. i have prayed for my mom for 10 years and now she is reading books and reaching out and learning how to be a healthier person. i am so thankful. i actually have a relationship with her now and am not afraid of her like i was all my life. i know what you are going thru and it is not easy. but keep up those healthy boundaries and eventually she will respect you as the adult that you are.

Answer 3

you are no doubt a wonderful forgiving person. becuase you have stuck by your mother since birth even through the abuse. yeah,, i don't blame you for wanting councelling. you really have to CALL you mum and you know, make small talk but then say exactly how you feel and if you can make yourself sound stressed on the phone make her feel empathy for you. you don't need a council all that'll do is get total strangers involved ( even thoughi'm giving u advice!) and what ever you do , do not let your son get involved in such negativity as this situation. it will only confuze him and depress him in later years.
while your on your phone to your mum say "Stop, ma, i am an indedepdant young mother with a life of my own, quite rightfull you have given to me advice and control over the years but you have to know when to stop. mum, i'm 28, not 12, i want to feel my age"
good luck. i share your sympathy
karina xx
remeber NO councilling if she's reluctant to do,l save money save time and do it. it's as though she has crushed you into coming on this site and asking total strangers for advice, as though she has crushed your confidence, your self dignity. just do it. again, good luck gal x let me know how it gets on :]

Answer 4

She will never change cause she gets what she needs from you. She gets high on abuse as all abusers do. I moved away and mom went crazy trying to find me cause abusers need just like drinkers need booze. Sorry but you cant help this sick animal. The disciples carried swords so defense is not wrong.

Answer 5

Just ignore her and don't worry about the relationship but think of it as loving the best part and not having anything to do with the rest of her. Be thankful that she will not be able to turn your children into that bitterness as well. Perhaps if you ignore her enough she will realize that she has to change in order to be part of your life

Answer 6

Hun, No one said you have to continue to be your mothers daughter.......There is no law that says ya have to continue to be abused by her. and if you do not keep her from your children then they will say in 30 years my mother alloed her mother to abuse US! So with that said You have all the power in this situation, do the right thing and tell her to get help. But that you will no longer have any contact with her. Listen my parents are of the same mold. And i have always said I can love you from FAR FAR away!!!!! But trully, what I feel for them isnt love at all. Love is : read this for yourself.. Go to ya bible and read 1Cor. and in there i think it is chapter18 it speaks of what love is. And one thing it says Love Never fails! So if love NEVER fails. Love yourself and your children and NEVER allow her to hurt you or them again!

Answer 7

i think you should not ever see your mother in flesh ever again that's like having a man beat you and you keep goin back to love him and as you keep goin back he keeps hurting you so just call her from time to time if she starts yelling on the phone hang up