Does anyone else have this problem?

Question

I live about 3 hours away from my parents and just visited my parents with my 2 year old son. My mom said to me, don't punish him at grandma's house and says she wants grandma's house to be a happy house. I found that strange and insulting to say especially since I wasn't punishing him at the time.
I honestly think my mom knows she failed at parenting my sister and I and is jealous seeing me in a happy marriage and being a terrific loving mom.
What should I do? Does anyone else have this problem?

She says lots of other subtle insults. I visit seldom and still have problems with her. It's ironic how she says to have grandma's house happy when her house growing up wasn't happy for me or my sister.

Thanks. I have my husband's parents as my son's primary grandparents and they are wonderful with my son! So thankful!

Answer 1

Lots of people have problems with other people, not just their parents, trying to tell them how to parent. It is your job as a parent to tell others YOU make the rules on how and when to parent, and if they others don't respect them, they don't get to be a part of the child's life. I do not agree it is unreasonable to take a child out of the life an adult if they are undermining your parenting, and that's what she's doing. I don't think it is necessarily to know your mom's motives. Only what is right or wrong for your own child and stand by it. Stand by it without apology, or with out justification. If she can't accept that she is being abusive to you as well as disrepectful. They say we spend our whole lives training people how to treat us. It is never to late to start teaching your mom how you expect to be treated. And many people will not even hear you unless they are sure you are serious about following through on removing yourself from their lives if they can't treat you the way you expect and deserve to be treated.

You have good instincts to be insulted by her judging and would be a bit leary of what is a borderline false accusation of how you treat your child. If she said you were 'punishing' when you weren't, it can be scary. False accusations against parents, step parents, children of elderly parents can be dangerous in a political atmosphere that hauls the accused to jail first and asks questions later. Her mischaracterizing the whole situation should be a big, big red flag to you and you should commend your parenting skills for trusting your instincts.

good luck. And remember, never apologize for demanding to be treated as you deserve to be treated.

Answer 2

My mother is rewriting history too, maybe its something they do as they age. Its your kid, and your responsibility is to your kid not to her.

When mine were very young, all the cousins would slide through grandma's living room on the slick floors. I would not let mine do this and took lots of flack for it from all my family. I thought and still think there is "home" behavior and "social" behavior, and raised my kids that way. My sister in law was the worst, she constantly would say "let them be kids". Well mine were "kids" where it was appropriate, but today her sons have done time for drugs, never finished high school and while I love them, they are damaged and wounded from not having any consistent discipline in the home. Mine, while not angels by any means, are grad students, work several jobs, own their own homes and have never been in trouble of any sort. No smokers, no drinkers, no drugs and no children before they are ready. I'm not sorry I didn't let them disrespect grandma's or anyone else's house.

Consider why you are bothering to visit someone who doesn't have any respect for you.

Answer 3

Make it crystal clear to your mother that YOU are your children's mother and will discipline them as you see fit. If she has a problem with that and says anything in front of the children (or to you in private) then you will leave immediately. If she wants to have contact with her grandchildren, it is on YOUR terms, not hers.

You need to be the one to protect your children at all costs from people who would usurp your position as mother. And you need to continue to discipline the children when they do wrong, and that means being consistent, whether in your home, at grandma's, or at the grocery store.

And no, not all children need to have a relationship with their grandparents. What, the person who said that would allow her mother and father to watch her children if she knew that grandpa was a child molester? Of if she knew the grandmother was physically abusive to the kids? OH, GAWD - I hope not. That is just plain stupid and evil and weak.

IF there is one or both grandparents that are abusive (any form of abuse), either to the children or you as the mother, the children should NOT be exposed to that. You know what? There's nothing wrong with older friends substituting as the "grandparent" role if you know and trust those people. The whole purpose for this is to make sure the children have a loving relationship with older people, not necessarily a unhappy or dangerous relationship with blood relatives.

Answer 4

I wouldn't got to the extreme of not going over to your parents house. Every child should have a relationship with Their grandparent, but you should talk to your mother. Don't accuse of her being jealous or not raising you well, that will only lead to trouble. But just let her know, that you are the mom and as much as you appreciate her intentions you will decide when and where and how you treat your child. I'm sure she'll let it go, but if not, explain to her that you'll just have to limit the time she has with your children. Not to mention, that it's not odd for her wanted to have a special happy place for your son. She wants to try and make things special with him, and that's great! You can't fault her for trying.

Good luck and take care!

Answer 5

Well you could do what I did with my MIL. My husband and I went over to her house to visit with our two children. One child was grounded so he couldn't play with the cousins that were also there. She got mad because he couldn't play and said that he shouldn't be grounded while at her house so I said, "Ok then we just won't come over when the boys are in trouble." Then I told my family "Let's go" and she changed her mind real quick. My MIL is pretty controlling but I don't let her run my life especially when it concerns my husband and children. My parents have tried this "They shouldn't be punished while at our house" also but it didn't work with them either.

Answer 6

i don't but know exactly what your talking about. Do me a favor though, keep this to yourself always and never call her out on it because she knows that is the case , and to actually have her daughter verbally confirm it, might be shattering for her as a mom to take. I wouldn't worry about it and repect that she wants grandma's house to be happy, but there are ways to make it happy and punish at the same time. If you can't do that , think about how many times you see your mom and if it's not a lot than I don't think its worth the possible fight.

Answer 7

Don't worry about it. Children are not stupid. They know there's a different set of rules at their grandparents house.

You were once a child that figured out that at grandmas cookies before dinner is OK, but at home it's not.

OMG what's with the thumbs down? You got a different set of rules at your grandparents when you were younger, why are you taking this away from your children and parents?

Answer 8

Well, i suppose you could tell your mother that you correct your son sometimes because he might get hurt and other times because he needs to change behaviors... and that you want to raise him to act appropriately EVERYWHERE he goes.

if she doesn't get it, then i guess stop visiting?

some people are controlling, did you notice?

Answer 9

don't visit them any more if you think they're doing or saying something wrong