How should I deal with my strict mother? I'm 18 soon to be 19 in 2 months. And she never lets me do anything?

Question

Me and my mother is very close but sometimes she can really get to me. I know i'm still young and I have a lot to learn. But I want to learn how to make decisions on my own. I don't want to have to depend on my mother all the time. I've been out of school for a year and i'm at a community college now for a year. I work, go to school, give her money to pay bills. I'm still a virgin, never been in any kind of legal trouble. I'm basically a good daughter. I understand that she wants me to stay a good daughter but I feel she should let me have some kind of freedom. For example, if there is a cookout or party or some kind of outings with my friends, I have to ask her like i'm a child. And I feel it shouldn't be that way. I've already made the decision to save up money to move out on my own so I can be able to have a social and real life. I love my mother so much and I don't want to loose her. How should I talk to her? What are some of your experiences with mothers like this?

Answer 1

Try to really talk to her about your feelings, you ARE a adult!! And really she needs to treat you like one!!

Answer 2

You need to talk with her like an adult. The only reason she treats you like a child, is because you let her. After talking with her and informing her, that if she continues to treat you like a child you will be moving out, refuse to let her treat you with any less respect than she would give a stranger. Just do not accept unfair treatment from now on. I know it will be tough and will cause you some friction at first, but she will come to see the error of her ways. You have to live and learn or what is the point? You cannot have some one else living your life, it's not fair to you.

Answer 3

There isn't any book to tell mom's how to stop being the parent of a child and how to be a parent of an adult. I suspect your mom hasn't made that transition. Its really hard. One moment you are doing everything for them, and literally in the blink of an eye, you have to back off and let them go. Raising a child is actually an exersize in seperation, and your mom did some of that right(you are on the right path), but is having trouble with breaking the real ties, allowing you to have your own life.

I remember something that happened when one of my daughters was your age, and in the same situation, living at home and going to jr college. We are also very close, and we all as a family always told each other where we were going and when we should be back.
One evening she told me she was going out and I responded, "That's ok with me", as I normally did when I approved of something she was doing. She stopped and said "Mom, I'm not asking your permission, I'm just telling you where I'm going, so you know." It opened my eyes. My daughter was an adult with an adult life and she didn't need my permission to live it. It took a few more years for me to be trained to be the mom of adults(and I'm still learning) but I manage to keep out of their business unless they ask me to get in it.

You need to sit down with your mom and thank her for the wonderful job that she did. Then ask her if she trusts you, and trusts that she raised you in the right way. When she says yes, then tell her that having to ask permission to live your own life makes you feel that she doesn't trust you or her parenting. Then tell her that you aren't going to ask permission when you want to do things with your friends, but you will tell her where you are going and approx when you will be back.

Be gentle with your mom, this stuff doesn't come easy. Best of luck, you sound like a very nice young woman, like both of my girls.

Answer 4

I would suggest talking to your mother and letting her know that she has raised you to be a responsible individual and it sounds like she has done a good job. Tell her she needs to allow you some freedom and she needs to trust your judgement when it comes to making decisions. You still live in her home so I can see where she would feel like she has some say so but it is time for her to put her trust into you and let you make decisions. If you mess up then hopefully you'll learn from your mistakes. She needs to let go so you can live and learn.. I think saving up to move out is a good thing, its only then that you will truly be on your own to do as you please.

Answer 5

I have been in the very same situation. I'm 20 years old and before i moved out, both of my parents were very strict when it came to curfew and where i was and who i was with. The best thing that you could ever do is sit them both down and tell them up front that you love them and respect the lines and rules that they have set for you, but you feel like you are old enough to talk and compromise with them about the household rules and suggest a trial time for the newly revised rules...for example lets say your curfew is 11pm...ask them if they would be willing to make your curfew an hour or two later one night on the weekend and try that for a few weeks. If your the daughter you say you, they should hear you out and take what you have to say into consideration.

Answer 6

You should speak to her as frankly as you wrote this question. Your mom loves you from what I can see. You do not want to lose your relationship with her, but it is time for that relationship to move from Mother / child to an adult relationship. If you tell her in a rational adult way, as you stated it in this letter, she should understand. Remember no matter how old, how responsible or how together you are you will always be her baby.Let her know you appreciate her input & her love, but need to live your own life, she will understand and it might just make your relationship stronger if you put that kind of honesty into it.

Answer 7

First, your mother will ALWAYS be your best friend. She is looking out for your best interests. If you have a problem with her rules.....just talk to her. when I was your age I asked my mother if she "TRUSTED" her own parental influence on me? I am the second to the youngest of 7 children......my older siblings run a muck and over top of my parents. By the time I was 17 I relay had to prove my maturity, and responsibility. We were 60 and 70's family........need I say much more? So by the time it came down the line to me, I could see I would have a struggle. To stay a "good daughter" I just talked about the belief system and moral charter they developed in me and it worked. They gave me much more freedom, with out argument and guilt parents can transfer to their child for growing up.

Answer 8

My mother controlled me for years. I finally escaped when I was 25, but I always regret spending so much time trying to please her and be a good daughter. I never did drugs or drank much, I did all her housework and gave her my earnings, but it still wasn't good enough.

I couldn't do aid work abroad as she wouldn't let me and she used to phone me at my friend's houses to see when I was returning home.........when I was 24!!!!!!!!!!!

She was a real piece of work and I dumped her eventually, but not before wasting a hell of a lot of time and money!

Please assert yourself and lead your own life! Don't waste those precious years as you can't get them back! I'm 37 now and I'll never get over not doing what I wanted to do with my life back then. It still affects me.

Move out if necessary! You can still stay in touch with her, but don't tolerate being treated badly, even if she is your mother.

I haven't seen mine for 9 years now and it was the best thing I did. I'm my own person and I have plenty of confidence now.

Good Luck ☺☺☺

Answer 9

I was in that situation with my dad. The best thing to do is just say it loud and stand your ground. You want your parent happy but at the same time you must think about your own. Once it's done, it will pass eventually and you'll be glad you did. I respected and loved my pops but I needed that same respect back and didn't feel I was getting it till "that day". My advice do something about it now or you'll always wonder "what if".

Answer 10

It's time for a serious heart-to-heart discussion with her, and tell her the things you just mentioned. You seem responsible enough to me, but she's probably just afraid to let you go, possibly concerned about your safety. You shouldn't have to ask her permission to go out, but out of courtesy tell her where you're going and with whom, and the approximate time you'll return. If you don't have a cell phone, get one, so that she knows you can still have communication in an emergency. Over time she'll relax and get used to the idea that you're now a responsible adult. After all, if she instilled in you the morals and sense of responsibility she should have (and I bet she did), what's she so worried about?

Answer 11

just talk to her like an adult if you want to be treated like one. come right out and tell her, "i dont like feeling that i have to ask your permission to do things, i'm a good girl and i've never given you any reason to doubt my actions and i feel that i can make decisions myself"

you really need to tell her because maybe she doesnt know that you feel that way. my first semester of college i moved across the country and was living off campus. i was completely independent. unfortionitly i hated it out there and moved back home to go to community college for a while. and when i did that i moved back in with my mom. the same thing happened to me, i had to tell her where i was going, i had to be home at certain times. years later i finally got the nerve to tell her how i felt about it and she laughed at me and told me she never set those rules, it was just something that i did without thinking!! she liked that i was home before midnight to know i was safe, but she pointed out that she never asked me to be home then!