Mom concerns about adult son! but what do I do?

Question

My son is 20 years old away at college in his second year. I dont hear from him that often. And when I send him instant messages he wont answer nor will he answer his cell phone. He wont answer his sister 17 yrs old many attempts of trying to get in touch with him either. This has been going on for the last 2 or 3 years. He seems to be dodging any contact with the family. His, mom, dad, and sister. It does hurt that he wont even answer his cell phone. Im just baffled that he is doing this to us.
He is not into drugs and is on the quiet side.
But i have told him he shouldnt be doing this. Should I drive down to the college to see him?
I have paid for his 4 years of college. I feel I should be given respect. I know my birthday will be forgotten again this year. It just doesnt seen right. My sons thoughts are mixed up I think. Teachers have told me hes a good kid just unorganized. And doesnt know his prioities. My feelings are hurt what do I do? Im div/cell phone from his dad!

Answer 1

I've been through similar 'noncommunicative' periods with my oldest daughter. Her lack of contact never went longer than a few months, and usually happened because she was not very proud of herself. My daughter enlisted in the Air Force at age 20, that is a bit different, but I still hated the times when she wasn't checking in.

One thing that helped us was to set a specific time once a week that we would talk on the phone, when possible. For us, Sunday evenings worked very well. We had to let each other know ahead of time if 'something came up' and we couldn't talk. She's out of the service now, and we no longer use the schedule. However, we still talk on the phone every 7-10 days.

You and your son both deserve to be treated with respect. How often do you want to hear from your son? How often is he getting IMs and phone calls from is family? I ask the last question because I envision your son hanging out with friends or trying to study and getting multiple phone calls and IMs.....this could be annoying. You've told him what he shouldn't be doing, why not tell him exactly what you expect? "I expect to hear from you at least_____." "I expect you to acknowledge family birthdays." Get him a calendar, with birthdays written in, or send him reminders if he is disorganized.

Why not visit him? Is it possible for you and his dad to visit him together? Are there any school events when many parents are on campus? Showing up unannounced might feel confrontational to your son, but if you are worried then go for it. Scheduling a time to visit him is another way to go that might feel more respectful for your son.

I wish you and your family better times!

Answer 2

Yo Mom... Whassup!!
Listen please from a Dad with 7 kids and a little experience of Parenthood? (I don't mean you don't have this yourself).
Most of my kids are Teenagers and two are in they're early 20's. Sitting on the fence here and don't take this as a criticism, but you say you want your Sons 'respect'. Respect has to be earned as I have learnt for myself over the years. Paying School fees, feeding, clothing and the rest, are things we naturally do as parents, regardless! Are you a Mom who listens to her kids without judgement, or one who jumps in with two feet laying down the law? Only you will know the answer to this one?
Some kids are naturally quiet and reserved and they don't have to be neccessarily as 'bubbly' etc as we are? He may have absolutely nothing in common with you or the family as you may feel that he does? This could be nothing more owed to the time in which he has been away from the regular family environment? I find that the longer I put off speaking to someone or doing something urgently, that the 'task' becomes just that........A TASK!! The greater the time lapse, the harder the deed.
Should you drive to the college? I think he is telling you right now that there is an issue here. Turning up could go the wrong way for the two of you and lead to greater upset and anxiety. I feel the best course of action in the first instance, would be to talk to his School teachers/head teacher about your concerns. I don't mean by telephone either. You need to arrange an appointment to see them at face value but without your Sons knowledge. This meeting will confirm in greater depth the course of action to take from there and I would suggest that a teacher could broach the subject first with your Son and then 'sit-in' on the initial meeting with the two of you to keep things on an even keel.
I would hope that if you are both honest with each other and LISTEN to each other that greats steps will be taken to overcome whatever obstacles are causing this rift?
I have recently been re-united with my Father after 6 years of ignoring text messages/phone calls AND I CAN'T REALLY SAY WHAT CAUSED THIS INITIALLY? What I can tell you is that it took the untimely death of my beautiful Sister of 26yrs a couple of weeks ago to sort me and my Father out!
Please don't let this escalate any further and try to see this from a wider perspective as you may be guilty for something here without really seeing the bigger picture? You won't know until you decide to arrange that meeting and pick things up from there.
Good luck to you both and I hope you find each others love again very soon.

Answer 3

I feel you should make contact with him any way you can. It is important to us as parents to have strong relationships with our kids, no matter how old they are.

I think a surprise visit would be great for both of you and since you paid for his college you have a right, not to mention you're his mom.

I do want to prepare you, just a little, to be strong when you make contact because there must be some reason he won't stay in touch with you.

I am suggesting this "visit" with you because of the idea of talking to him face to face and if he is avoiding you he would much rather talk on the phone when you call than have you show up at his door again.

I hope this answer helps and I will be praying for you and your son.

Answer 4

well... hye's a 20 yr old boy and probably only ito his life. But not speaking at all, is really not good. Does he have a relationship with his dad?
Can you and his dad go see him together and be civil about it?
Sure, you can cut off his tuition, but really, what does that do? Then he is uncommunicative, resentful AND uneducated without job prospects.

Go see him, Meet his dad and do it together. Express your concern, and let him know you worry. Come up with a solution you can both live with. Ask dad to be mediator or facilitator.

If you don't speak with his dad, now's the time to change. He could be angry with you for some reason that you have no idea about. He could just not realize what a boor he is being.
Good luck.

Answer 5

Your son may well be dyslexic or suffer ADHD. He should be evaluated by a professional in the field - a psychiatrist or an M.D. There are treatments.

And at 20 he may not have matured as much as he should have by now. I have a son a bit older than yours who is as irresponsible and uncommunicative as the most rebellions sixteen-year-old. The difference, if I understand you correctly, is that I did not pay ahead for an entire four years of college. Then, when it became obvious he was not communicating and doing as he was supposed to do, I wasn't out a big chunk of change.

Go see him. You have every right to confront him and say "what the hell?" You do not owe him that tuition. He owes you respect and gratitude and evidence of his using that investment wisely. He may not have chosen to pursue the same degree you'd have him pursue, but he darn well should provide evidence that he IS working - successfully - towards that diploma.

Don't be overwhelmed if you receive a very immature and hostile response. If you have any control left over the money set aside for his education, you are within your rights to cut him off until you see a more satisfactory response. It hurts to have a child behave like that, but he seems too immature and wrapped up in himself to be capable of caring about anyone's feelings except his own.

You cannot, in the long run, force him to change. All you can do is cut your losses and apply a whopping big dose of "tough love". Life is going to be very, very rough on him, but you cripple him if you don't respond to his selfishness with adult resolve. If you don't hear what you need to hear from him, tell the school you want the remainder of your investment back - and don't let them buffalo you - it's YOUR money. That 17-year-old sister of his could use it for HER college expenses, don't you suppose?

If that were my son, I'd tell him what I told another of my sons - "Get your act together, boy, or go visit your Army recruiter!"
And wouldn't you know - he did, has served in Iraq and is now a sergeant in the Military Police - though he still does not communicate anywhere near as often as his mother would like...hey, he got it mostly together and is doing well. That's probably the best we can hope for. Let's hope a tougher attitude on your part will help your son get his head out of his rectum!

Answer 6

Hi..

I'm not sure what's going on with your son... what has happened in your lives to change it over the years? Divorce?

Many times, older kids are deeply impacted by divorce (moreso than younger ones).

If you are divorced, does he talk with his dad? I suppose there are a lot of things to sift through -- maybe you could take a day or weekend to see your son, and ask him how he feels about things... and why he isn't communicating with you?

I sure don't know what else to say, but i do hope you get some good answers here. take care.

Answer 7

Guys of this age group can really be quite clueless about family relationships since they spend more time with their peers and studying, etc.
If I were you, I would definitely go and visit him at college and have a chat to him about exactly how you feel and what you would like him to do in order to contact you all more frequently. Stress how important it is to the family. Tell him you are afraid of him drifting away.
Just continue your side of the contacting, send letters, photographs, e-mail etc. Assure him that you love him and don't be afraid of reminding him that your birthday is coming up. Guys forget.
When they are married, it's usually the wives who do all the remembering and communication between family members who are away.

Answer 8

Are you paying for his cell phone as well? The next time you talk to your son, tell him that as long as you are paying for everything, you have some expectations from him. It's a two way street---he wants something from you, and you want something in return. If he can't do that, then what reason do you have to uphold your end of the bargain? If he wants to go it alone in life, then he can pay for his own damned education. You have a right to feel hurt. Your son is treating you like you're only good enough to pay his way for him.

Answer 9

You absolutely are entitled to respect and appreciation. You can drive up to the college and check on him. SInce he's up there on your dime, you have every right to check on your investment. If everything is okay.....write him a nice loving letter letting him know how you feel about the way he acts and then stop providing him with extra money other than paying for his books and classes. SInce he doesn't feel that he needs you anymore and is his own person let him do what other independent people do...support themselves. Let him pay for his own transportation, his own clothes, his own cell phone, etc.

Answer 10

Please go and visit your son, he still needs to know you care enough to come see him even though he is not reaching out to his family anymore, get back into his life, something has happened in the past you are not aware of, that caused this, sometimes it only a very small misunderstanding. He may be haveing social problems. just go slow with him and most of all reach out to him in love and let him know you care. get closer to him go see him! its a start in the right direction for the whole family. and my prayers will be with you. Zeal