How do you cope with an adult child going to jail & leaving kids behind for you to raise?

Question

I need some advice and help with the guilt and sorrow I feel that this could happen to our family. I can't get past the sadness. Any one else in this situation?

In response to one of the answers, I don't feel shame , just guilt over not being able to do enough to help. One of the kids is only 2 weeks old. The other feelings I have are anger & betrayal, we had no idea this situation was going on and now I feel like I hardly knew my child at all. Thanks for all of the good answers and help.

Answer 1

Hang on a second.... Are you the one in jail? Are you the one who did something stupid to land yourself in jail? No. Okay. So there shouldn't be any guilt about that.

So, I understand where the sorrow is coming from. I can only imagine how I would feel if one of my 3 kids (one is already an adult) went to jail... I'm sorry for your loss.

So, let's look at where your guilt is coming from. Are you feeling guilt because your child is in jail and you're thinking you didn't raise him or her right? You feel guilt (or is it shame) that this could happen to your family.

Well, it happens in the best of families. Truly. Look at Paris Hilton, John John Kennedy and loads of others.

You know, as a mom or dad, we think we are responsible for everything our kids go on to do. But that's not true. We are no more responsible for them getting nabbed by the cops than we are for our son scoring a touchdown or getting into Harvard. THEY AND ONLY THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS.

You know the old saying: You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink...

If you gave your very best to your child, taught him values, careing, responsiblity, etc., then you should not be feeling guilty. Unless of course you helped your child to commit the crime... Did you do that? Didn't think so....

So, where do you go from here? You start one step at a time. Begin by looking at all you have done that is good for your child. Realise that your child makes their own mistakes. You are not responsible for your child being in jail. Repeat that again and again.

As for the sadness, I doubt it will ever truly go away... some of it will always remain. There is sadness in there about your child being in jail, your grandchildren being without the parent who is in jail, sadness about thinking you could have been a better parent.

Well, the good news is even if it won't go away, it will lessen over time. Begin by allowing yourself a really good cry. A really good one! You need to deal with the grief of what has happened and you need to grieve for all you have lost. And all your grandchildren are losing.

Then, once you've stopped crying, you need to get on with life. If you can't do it for yourself, think about doing it for your grandchildren. They need you now, more than ever! And unless you don't want to raise them for a period of time instead of placing them with child services, then you need to get back on track. Sorry to say, but you don't have much time to wallow in your sadness. There are kids counting on you. And if you don't get it together, not only will their parent be in jail, but you'll be in a jail of your own making.

Contact your church. Speak with your priest. Or contact a life coach or a psychologist. Get yourself some help so you can talk this out of your system.

Of course you didn't deserve what has happened. But neither did those little kids and unless they are babies, they are feeling the crunch too. So... what's it gonna be? Life or a jail of your own choosing? You can do this you know. You really can. I know that even without knowing you because I know that life only throws at us what we can handle and if we can't, it will show us a way out...

So maybe life has decided that you are the BEST person to raise those kids right now. And with that being said, all you can do is your very best...

So... what's it gonna be? Stay stuck in the sadness or celebrate life... After all, those kids could have been taken away from you by the state and been raised in a foster home or child care facility.... Isn't the fact that you have them just a bit positive? If so, then keep on looking at the positive side. You'll eventually come out on the other side of this darkness.

My prayers are with you and your grandchildren....and your adult child. My guess is your child was in trouble long before landing in jail... perhaps this is the catalyst your child needs to change his or her life around. Try thinking of it that way.

Be good, do well... In the end, that's about what it boils down to.

Answer 2

Go and get some professional counselling.
The prison system usually has social workers - ask for some advice on how to respond to the children and prepare them for visits or for communication with their incarcarated parent. Dont forget to address some of your own feelings. If the prison system is not much help go to the courts and see if they can refer you. Just because your child has done something wrong it does not mean you have not been there - sometimes people make bad choices - it may have nothing to do with upbringing.

In the meantime give the kids loads of love, answer their questions honestly - but dont overload them with information. Explain things to them in an age appropriate manner. Your adult child has made a mistake and is paying the consequences - it is okay to not like what he/she has doen - but that does not mean that you or the children have to stop loving this person. It is hard for everyone. But things can be worked through - get help you should not have to go through this alone.

Answer 3

Hey dont know about going to jail but my mum died when she was 39 and I was only in my teens. I have a brother whom I cant even get paid soacial sercuity benefits cause I dont have a birth certificate and cant provise one ntill he is 16 anyway I have him in my care and I can tell u I am near in tears now cause I know If mum was able to be here she could help u know but cause she isnt I have ti try.blah blah blha It is friggen hard to raise someones kids noi matter whos they are. And for the q of the other psrenyt being in jail i H ave 2kids and their father has been in jail no biggy he was just trying to support this family and steal by feeding us and stealing money from where he couls. How can I blame him? You probaly wont read thios anyway

Answer 4

Not exactly, I've been this situation on both sides. I think you simply need to make some decisions, and then do what it takes to see them through to fruition. Find things to be grateful for. Write them down and keep it handy. Even write things down on index cards in colored markers and put it up where you can see all the things that can bring joy out of this tragedy. Even include inspirational quotes to your index cards. When you stop noticing them, repeat the process. It will tell your family what you see in the situation as positive. If you're having trouble finding positives, they are too. What your children do is not your fault, they are adults and make their own decisions. Now you need to decide how you will respond. With positivity and a good attitude. When depressed all we can see is the bad. Change our attitude as we look for the good, for it is there bright and clear. Try this, I hope it helps you as it has helped others. Let me know please.
Blessed Be

Answer 5

Sadly, it seems to be quite a common situation nowadays. I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you, and I guess the added burden of raising your grandchildren, however much you love them, only makes it harder right now.

I think what you need to do is find a support system, or community, where you can talk to others in the same boat as you. Don't overlook practical help also, this is a huge, unexpected event, and there are resources in place to help you cope.
Maybe you could contact your local human services department, they can probably refer you to the right areas for Kinship care, and help you out with practical and emotional resources. Obviously though, speaking to someone you have a shared experience with is always the most helpful. I've linked you to a couple of sites below that provide a range of options and resources for grandparents raising their grandchildren.
Try to stay strong, keep your chin up, and please get as much support as you can. Your grandchildren are so lucky to have you in their lives, and it's amazing what your love for them will be able to achieve. Best of luck to your family also.

http://www.raisingyourgrandchildren.com
http://www.archrespite.org/archfs45.htm
http://www.state.il.us/aging/1intergen/grg.htm
http://www.ccpfc.org/ccsol/parents_grandparents.cfm
http://www.aarp.org/families/grandparents/raising_grand
http://www.grgicl.org

Answer 6

Sometimes its better for some parents to be out of the childs life completely as they would only cause more pain for the mother and child. My father left us. I was hurt about it for years but now that I am grown up I truly see that it was the best thing for us because he is unstable. We would have been moving all over the place, he could not keep a job, he was impulsive, made bad decisions, and caused conflicts everywhere he went. With him out of our life my mother and grandmother were able to make all of the decisions for us, provide us with a stable home(she worked and got public assistance). If you think he is putting her through severe emotional turmoil from afar, just imagine what he would do if stayed around unhappy.

Answer 7

This is a very depressing situation, as my family almost had to endure the latter regarding leaving the children. My sister got caught shoplifting with her two kids and she had drug paraphernalia on her--which we had no idea she was doing. She apparently was snorting meth daily for two years to cope with her divorce. Because the paraphernalia tested negative, she got off scott-free. If she was convicted we would have had to have gotten custody of her older son (whose father is hiding to avoid child support) and we would have had to have given her ex-husband (the father of her youngest son) custody. Hopefully she can straighten herself out now. We went through her room when she was in jail and we found twenty plastic baggies, all with white powder residue--it just about broke our hearts. She's now in rehab, and all we can do now is support her.

Answer 8

Yes, unfortunately, there are many people in your situation. I'd suggest contacting your local social services office to see what counseling is available for your family. They could also let you know of any financial assistance that may be available for you and the children. Yes, it is very sad. But at least the children are with family who love them, not strangers in foster care.

Answer 9

do you mean your husband went to jail, or your oldest child went to jail?
either way its tough..
i knew a little girl, one of my sisters best friends, and her dad was in jail.. her mom had her grandmother come help with the kids..
they seemed to be turning out ok, although they were kept under a rock.. not allowed to do anything except go to school and have friends over.. not allowed to go to friends houses, or parties, or amusement parks.. nothing.
dont shelter your kids because of it.. make sure they understand what happened, and how its bad to do what the person did.. bring them up normal and pray they turn out good.
good luck :)
if you all work together the sadness will go away. maybe you should all see a family counselor..

Answer 10

It sounds like you are a responsible grandmother. It is sad that your child will be incarcerated away from their children. Just be there for them, and understand that you are not to blame. You are raising your grandchildren...that goes above and beyond the call of duty. And I'm sure your help in your child's time of need is appreciated.