She always shows up, unannounced, either when my toddler is napping or just going down for his nap. Sometimes my house us a wreck! It's embarrassing. She always apologizes (but then ALWAYS does it)... saying "Sorry to just drop in on you, but I decided to swing into town last-minute today." I always am polite and tolerate it... but it's really starting to annoy me.
My husband doesn't want to offend her. Advice?
2007-10-01 15:00:32 · 20 answers · asked by Addi 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
1. you MUST talk to your husband and have HIM speak to HIS MOTHER. He must make it clear to her that SHE must RESPECT your family, household, and YOU, and that YOU cannot simply "drop everything" when she arrives unexpectedly. Doesn't your mother even have a CELL PHONE that she can call and at LEAST say, "Hon, I'm in the neighborhood, can I drop by for a minute?" Your HUSBAND MUST discuss this with her... he MUST SUPPORT YOU and HIS FAMILY.
2. If she just drops by w/o calling first, you say, "Oh, I'm SO sorry, but I have plans! If you had ONLY called, I might have been able to make other arrangements! Oh, and you came ALL THAT WAY... what a SHAME! [mutter something about the price of gasoline!] Please call me next time, so we can have a proper visit, that would be SO nice!" Then, quietly, politely SHUT THE DOOR on her. You do NOT need to explain that the "plans" you had were to pick up the laundry off the floor, or get a nap yourself while your toddler is napping... or WHATEVER! She does NOT have a "right" to know.
3. If she DOES phone ahead , and you cannot have her visit, again, a brief, "Oh, I'm SO sorry, but I have plans for this afternoon. PLEASE don't come ALL THAT WAY and I can't visit properly with you and the baby! Call me tomorrow and we can schedule a time so we can spend it all together! Have a good afternoon!" and calmly hang up.
4. If she DOES phone ahead, and you CAN have her visit... well.. TAH-DAH!!! You've achieved your goal!
Do not be worried about being seen as "rude" when SHE is being the rude one and not respecting your family and household. Especially if she lives 1.5 hrs away, she KNOWS she's "aiming" for YOUR HOUSE.
Have a polite day.
2007-10-01 16:04:56 · answer #1 · answered by wyomugs 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Extremely rude. What if you weren't home? You have a few options:
1. Your husband needs to tell his mother that she must call before she is on her way. If she's 1,5 hours away, you'll have time to run through the house and pick up the worst of your wreck.
2. Don't answer the door. Even if you have a car in the driveway, what's to say you didn't leave with a friend.
3. Continue letting her making unannounced visits.
If I were you, I'd also go ahead and put your toddler down for his nap.
2007-10-02 00:05:01 · answer #2 · answered by Classy Granny 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yes it is impolite. After all, what if your naked and she just shows up?? That'll sure make her wish she called first so you'll be dressed.
Plus its always hard when a toddler is about to have a nap and someone comes over. Suddenly she/he doesn't want to nap anymore which causes a very cranky toddler later in the day.
And I agree, it is embarrassing to have someone over and your house is a mess.
Explain to her that you love having her over but she can't just drop by unannounced. Explain you'll appreciate if she at least calls you and say "I'm coming to town today, I might drop by if that's OK." This will allow you time to at least clean up a bit, put the baby down for a nap (or after the visit).
You won't offend her.... its your house, you have to lay down the rules whenever she likes it or not. Afterall, how would SHE feel if you keep showing up at her place unannounced and at wrong times??
2007-10-01 15:13:12 · answer #3 · answered by tashasw79 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Don't answer the door. You can say you went down for a nap with the baby, you did not expect her over. Or you can tell her when you answer the door that your not feeling well and now is not a good time for a visit. Or your on your way out you have plans. If you continue to accept her behavior of not calling and having a visit she will continue to do it. If she See's that she is going to make an 1.5 hour trip and might not get the visit she will call first.
Your mother in law is in fear of rejection and rather drop in unannounced then call to be told your not going to be home.
2007-10-02 02:57:23 · answer #4 · answered by Kat G 6 · 3⤊ 1⤋
She's being interfering. She's "checking up" on you and your kid, this isn't just an innocent dropping-by. Does this woman not have a cell phone? She lives an hour and a half away, yet she decides "last minute" to drive all the way into town and she can't be assed to either call you before she leaves (giving you ample time to tidy up/clear your schedule) or call you en route? That's not normal.
If I were you, I would gently ask that she call before dropping by. Say something like "Would you mind terribly giving us a call before you leave if you're going to come out here? I know you're family and all, but I would really feel more comfortable if I were able to make sure my house was tidy before you came over, and that way I can schedule [toddler]'s nap so he's not always sleeping when you get here and you can spend more time with him." It's NOT an unreasonable request at all. As I said be gentle, don't make it sound like you don't appreciate her "attention," but be very firm about it. Make it clear that you MUST have a heads-up before she drops by.
It's fine (manners-wise) for you to ask, but I have to wonder why your husband's buttoning his lip. I know he wants to protect his mom's feelings, but how offended could she possibly be if he just said "Look, Mom, [name]'s really uncomfortable having people drop in when the house is messy, it really stresses her out. Could you give her a heads-up so she can tidy if need be?"
Good luck.
2007-10-01 15:23:28 · answer #5 · answered by slytherinferret 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Good on you for continuing to be polite and tolerant.
This might seem like an obvious answer, but you could always ask her to call you and let you know that she is heading to your house. Of course, you will need to have a reason for asking her to do this like: a) you want to make sure you don't miss her, b)you want to plan your toddler's schedule so that he is awake and happy to visit with Gran, c)you want to make sure that you aren't in the middle of housework so that you can have a nice relaxing visit...
Since she lives a fair distance away there shouldn't be a problem with her giving you a heads-up...just keep it light and informal so that she knows you are not trying to shut her out...and so that your husband knows you are not being offensive.
The other strategy is to plan a weekly visit...that way all of you know that on, say Tuesday morning at 10:30, Gran is coming for a visit...schedules work well with little children. My three year old knows that Saturdays are the day of her dance class and so she asks...is it Saturday?...she likes to know what is happening.
It's always a good idea to deal with family 'stuff' before it becomes annoying and there is a 'blow-out'.
2007-10-01 15:11:47 · answer #6 · answered by md 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Well it is rude. Period. She doesn't live there so she should call first. So if your man is a mamma's boy and doesn't want to say something, then the ball is in your court. Just confront her and be polite but you better have your husband back you up or there will probably be a problem. I think if she has an adult mentality she can handle the truth. Good luck. The longer you wait to not say something is the longer you stay annoyed.
2007-10-01 15:41:34 · answer #7 · answered by l'il mama 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Lots of interesting options mentioned above by others.
I feel not answering the door is not an option with a toddler at home, he will either be awake and making some toddler-noise, or will be napping and wake up crying. And, it is somehow insulting to have to "hide" in your own house.
I'd say just tell her "please call before coming". Do not give any reasons like "cleaning up before u come", "napping toddler", "it is my house and I like to know before"... once you present any reason(s), she will just brush them aside or say they are insignificant. Just repeat and repeat whenever you can "please call before coming".
To husband, I'd say "it is your job to talk to your mom, and if you don't want to, then let ME handle it MY way, and do not interfere at all."
If nothing works, then you will just have to pack up your toddler, diaper bag and stroller and step out of the house by walk or car, when she comes over unannounced, apologetically mentioning that you've just remembered an errand or appointment. Of course, this might lead to some sticky situations like you don't want to leave her alone in YOUR home, so put away all things you don't want to be "snooped" into. Maybe a few times of you stepping out will do the trick!
Best of luck, nothing irritates like not having your house to yourself, especially when kids are very young and house somehow always a mess.
2007-10-01 17:03:12 · answer #8 · answered by ritah 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Don't open the door when she stops by unannounced! If you keep opening the door for her, so she can come in, she will never break that bad habit of hers.
So next time she shows up and doesn't call prior to coming, act like you're not home and don't answer the door. Do this constantly, then she'll realize that she needs to call. You don't need to tell your husband your plan, unless he is home.
2007-10-01 15:07:54 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 0⤋
To answer your question, yes, it is rude. She should call. Even though she is family, this is inconvenient for you and your family. HOWEVER, it will probably cause friction in your family if you call her out on this. You say you are being polite to her and talking to your husband about what to do. Keep doing exactly what you're doing. Talk to your husband and beg him to handle it. When she comes over, do not hide the fact that you are unprepared for her, but do not start being overtly rude to her. Keep hoping that she eventually realizes that it is better for EVERYONE if she calls ahead of time. However, if she does not take the hint, there is little that you can do other than commiserate with the many other women out there with insensitive mother-in-laws. It's just the burden that polite people have to bear, unfortunately, but you are a good woman for being so kind to her! I hope your husband realizes how lucky he is and what a good example you are setting for your child!
2007-10-01 15:10:44 · answer #10 · answered by koi-ness 5 · 0⤊ 2⤋