Would you like to read a Jewish joke that is actually funny and non-offensive?

Question

Four rabbis engaged in theological arguments, and it was always three against one. Finally, the odd rabbi out appealed. "God!" her cried, "I know I am right! Please, a sign to prove it to them!" Suddenly, from a sunny day, it poured. "A sign from God! See, I'm right!" The other three disagreed, saying storms often cool hot days. So again: "Please, God, a bigger sign!" Lightning slammed a tree. "Is that not a sign from God?" cried the rabbi. "A sign of nature!" they insisted, again making it three to one. Just as the rabbi is about to beg for an even bigger sign, the sky blackened and a booming voice intoned: "HEEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIIIIGHT!" The rabbi, hands on hips, said, "Well...?" The others shrugged: "So now it's three to two."

Fatima: That's funny! I heard the exact same joke, but the other way around!

Answer 1

That's a good one. But would you believe that this joke is actually based on a passage from the Talmud? Seriously! In the Tractate of Bava Metzia (page 59b), there's a story which serves as a source for the Jewish practice of following the majority opinion among our sages in matters of halakha (Jewish Law):

[Rabbi Eliezer and the Sages debated a point of law regarding the ritual purity of a certain type of oven.] Rabbi Eliezer declared it clean, and the Sages declared it unclean...

On that day, Rabbi Eliezer brought forward every imaginable argument, but they did not accept them. Said he to them: "If the law agrees with me, let this carob-tree prove it!" Thereupon the carob-tree was torn a hundred cubits out of its place. (Others say, four hundred cubits.) Said the Sages: "No proof can be brought from a carob-tree."

Again he said to them: "If the law agrees with me, let the stream of water prove it!" Whereupon the stream of water flowed backwards. Said the Sages: "No proof can be brought from a stream of water."

Said Rabbi Eliezer: "If the law agrees with me, let the walls of the study hall prove it!" Whereupon the walls inclined to fall. But Rabbi Joshua rebuked them, saying: "When scholars are engaged in a halachic dispute, what have you to interfere?" Hence they did not fall, in deference to Rabbi Joshua, nor did they resume the upright, in deference to Rabbi Eliezer; and they are still standing thus inclined.

Finally, Rabbi Eliezer said to them: "If the law is as I say, may it be proven from heaven!" There then issued a heavenly voice which proclaimed: "What do you want of Rabbi Eliezer? The law is as he says!"

Rabbi Joshua stood on his feet and said: "The Torah is not in heaven!"... We take no notice of heavenly voices, since You, G-d, have already, at Sinai, written in the Torah to follow the majority.

Rabbi Nathan subsequently met Elijah the Prophet and asked him: "What did G-d do at that moment?" [Elijah] replied: "He smiled and said: My children have triumphed over Me, My children have triumphed over Me."

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Probably more than you ever wanted to know, right? But isn't that interesting? Okay, for anyone who's still reading this, let's see if I can't come up with a good Jewish joke for you...

Okay, I've got one!

So, an American, a Russian, and an Israeli walk into a restaurant. The waiter comes to take their order. The American says: "I'll have the ribeye steak." The Russian, who can't read the English menu, asks for the same, and the Israeli in turn also orders a ribeye.

The waiter takes their orders and comes back a few minutes later, saying: "Excuse me, gentlemen. I am afraid there seems to be a shortage of meat. Can I get you anything else?"

The American asks: "What the heck is a 'shortage'?"

The Russian asks: "What is 'meat'?"

The Israeli asks: "What is 'excuse me'?"

Answer 2

I've heard the joke before. I'm not sure it is unoffensive. The Jewish Girl's joke certainly IS offensive. LabGrrl was funny, except for the unnecessary swear word. Why must punch-lines be "punched up" with vulgarity these days?

My own disrespected & dehumanized grandparents were murdered by the racist "ethnic cleansing" German Nazis in WWII, because they were easily-dismissable mere Jews.

This caused my mom to be orphaned, scared for her life, hidden, and sneaked out of Europe to safety in Canada, while "isolationist" America was staying neutral, letting Hitler run wild, until his foolish Japanese allies attacked the Allusions & Hawaii.

God is not given respect in this joke. That is what bothers me, not laughing at the Rabbis.

My Roman Catholic dad taught me, "1 in the right is a majority"...and GOD is ALWAYS right!!! (unlike the new pope, who had to take back his words, about Muslims).

If God says it, I believe it, and that settles it!

sorry, Michael

Answer 3

The priest and the rabbi were on a plane flying across the ocean when the plane developed engine trouble. Everyone was doomed. The priest turned to the rabbi and said, "Before I die there's something that I would like to know. You being Jewish and all -- have you ever tasted ham?"
"Well," the rabbi laughed, "sure I've tasted ham. But tell me father, before we die -- could you tell me if you have ever made love to a woman?"

The priest blushed and said, "There was this one time I gave in and made love to a woman."

The rabbi looked at the priest and said, "Beats the hell out of ham, don't it?"

Answer 4

here is one that is a bit inappropriate but i find really funny:

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street and they see a young boy.

The priest says, "Let's screw him."

The rabbi says, "Out of what?"

Answer 5

I like Lenny Bruce's joke.

This rabbi gets hauled into court for trespassing. The judge asks him, "Didn't you see the sign that says, 'Private Beach. No swimming allowed.'?

The rabbi says, "Yeah, I saw the sign, but I thought it said, "Private beach? No! Swimming allowed!"

Answer 6

The Talmud has a similar story, but the ending (which is the law) is that we ignore what G-d tells us- he gave us the Torah, and now we get to interpret it how we feel is right. Hee Hee.

Answer 7

Brilliant!

There are many Jewish jokes that are wonderfully witty, and fabulously funny! Alas, I guess it's almost always Jews only that know them!

Have a star for making me smile!

Answer 8

A clothing wholesales guy, purchased 10,000 bras at $5.00 per.
His partner asked Him:how the hell are we gonna sell 10,000 bras?
guy answer's: we take them to Jerusalem, cut them in half, and Sell them for $10.00 per Kippot(Jewish hats) !!??

Answer 9

Cute.

Answer 10

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."