How should I react to a brother-in-law that is inconsiderate of my wife's feelings?

Question

My wife recently had a miscarriage a little over weeks ago. She only told a handful people about it: a few close friends, her older brother, and her parents. Because of what happened, her parents came to visit us this weekend. Once they were at our house, her brother more or less invited his family and their other sibling's family over to inform the entire family that they were pregnant with their second child. I felt that the timing was awful as they were only several days pregnant and that they should have waited until my wife had gotten over her miscarriage. I wanted to throw him out of my house at the very moment, but just sat there in disbelief of the lack of consideration for his sister's feelings. I am filled with rage now, but my wife told me not to say anything.

Am I justified in being angry, and, if so, how should I handle the situation? BTW, he also preempted our wedding by getting engaged after our engagement and slipping the wedding in before his sister's.

Answer 1

Your brother in law's attempts to upstage his sister, your wife, have probably been going on for many many years. It is most likely so ingrained, he doesn't even realize that he is being insensitive to you both.

Your feelings are justified, but try to calm down before contemplating how to handle this situation. Right now, you are hurt, concerned for your wife, bewildered, and all these feelings at once can be overwhelming.

It is best to consider your approach with your wife's input. She knows her brother better than you do, and has endured his grandstanding all of her life. With this in mind, proceed with caution, and think before you act or speak. Once done, it cannot be un-done.

I hope that your wife is recovering as well as can be expected. Try to keep your emotions under control while you both heal from this unexpected tragedy. It will take time.

Answer 2

Have you ever thought about him being jealous of you and his sister and that is why he tries to out shine you in everything to make him feel more important than you because the family does not give him the attention that you and you wife gets from everyone else. If i were you I would let him know that he should have had his sister's feelings at heart and waited to announced that they were pregnant knowing that his sister was still grieving over her loss. Do not be mad but just explain to him that it is uncalled for when he does those things and that you are happy for them but he should have been concerned about his sister. Let your wife know that her brother is jealous and no matter what they say or do to bring good news to the family that he will try to out due and that being jealous is unnecessary. On the other hand if you want to be mean do anything possible to make him jealous anytime you can because he will never catch up and be better than you are he will always be jealous and make him jealous over the little things when you can from buying jewelry to buy yourself a new motor bike. That will get his attention! (lol)

Answer 3

Yeah. His timing was past crappy. Sounds to me like he has an inferiority complex. People like that you have to ignore or you'll end up punching them in the face. Listen to your wife because it's never good to confront someone when you're already pissed at them. If you can talk to your brother-in-law without getting upset, let him now how inconsiderate he was. Ask him if he had to announce it right then. The tricky thing is though he probably won't see how he was wrong and he may get pissed at you, which could cause your wife to get upset with you. So...I don't know pal. Either way, your brother-in-law is a jerk, and I'm sorry for you and your wife's loss. Hope your situation gets better.

Answer 4

It sounds like the brother is somewhat jealous of his sister and the attention she gets from their family. You have a right to your feelings no matter what they are. He was definitely being insensitive to his sister's feelings.

Take a couple of days to calm down and think things through before doing anything. Once you've calmed down, if you think he'll listen, call the brother and tell him you didn't appreciate the way he acted. Tell him if he's not able to treat your wife with respect in the future that he's not welcome in your home.

Whatever his reasons are for acting the way he does, you have a right to not accept his behavior. If he can't show respect to a member of your family, regardless of his relationship to that person, he should be denied access until he changes his behavior.

Answer 5

Your anger is justified but does little to ease your wife's pain. I find that appropriate confrontation in a timely manner is the best solution. For example. When your brother-in -law does or says something hurtful especially in your home you can say so calmly and respectfully in front of your wife's family. Such as, "How fortunate for you though your announcement at this time is inconsiderate of our feelings. It would have been so much easier for us to share your blessing if you behaved more sympathetically. Why did you feel it was necessary to injure your sister in this manner? I can't allow you to do that in our home.

Answer 6

Wow, can we say attention whore?

I understand your wife not wanting to make a big deal out of this, but if I were you I'd talk to her brother. Let him know that it was insensitive for him to even broach the subject of pregnancy since his SISTER just had a miscarriage. Let him know that she is hurting a lot, and although she is happy about it, she can't emotionally handle someone throwing their pregnancy into her face. If he gets upset, let him know that in the future, you'd want him to be more sensitive about his sisters feelings and for him to learn when it is appropriate to mention certain things. Also let him know that when he does things like that, it shows him to be insensitive and careless of his family. AND that if he decides to make another declaration, to not do it in your house without running past your first!

So sorry for you and your wife's loss!

Answer 7

Of course, it is perfectly natural to be incensed! But, it is harmful if you let it bother you so much you can't forgive his insensitivity and downright stupidity.

Forgiving is something that is a process in situations like these and it doesn't mean just go on playing happy family and becoming a fake. It means that you DO address the situation with him, but you need to seriously get your emotions under control before you do.

When you decide to contact your wife's brother or (brother -in -law, I'm not clear which it is , then you need to do it in harmony with your wife's wishes because in reality you have to live with her and he is her family. Stuff like this can break up families and I doubt that this is worth that kind of pain and heartache for your wife.

There are reasonable ways to handle family problems, but with the proverbial "kid gloves" if you want to be successful.

Are you more sensitive to this buffoon in a competetive way than your wife is? This could be where your root anger comes from if so. Otherwise, you are angry for her? Only you can really know.

Once you determine all that, you can better see how to address this guy. Then tell your wife you going to if she will agree to it with you on how, where and when, because if you don't tell her, it will make a long-term strain between the two of you on top of the issue at hand. You must do your best to stay loyal to her...

I am so sorry for your loss; but a new baby in the family is a joy, too. I know you and your wife are hurting and it is not cool to have this new baby flaunted in front of you right now. They were wrong to do that to BOTH of you.

If you are sure they are trying to be "better than thou" on purpose, then it is necessary to address with your wife whether you want to continue to have these people over. It's a big decision, and believe me harder to do than you may think. Every other family member will wonder about it if you decide to drop them out of your lives and it will of a certainty effect holidays and other special events where all of you are supposed to gather in harmony...

So, don't just jump in out of anger or you will more likely regret it, think it through rationally and don't do anything "rash", and take your time to explore all the potential effects of your decisions. Make sure you consider the long-term effects of your own actions, that you and your wife agree and that both of you will be able to live with consequences. Follow your wisdom and your heart.

You're in my thoughts and prayers for success.

I'm sorry for your loss. In sympathy, StudiousOne

Answer 8

You are in the right.

It sounds like there is a LOT of sibling rivalry going on between the two, and chances are it has been going on for a long time. If your wife truly is upset about it, then go with your gut (except for throwing punches). There is something that has been bugging him for a while probably.
If he is older, then he is trying to stay on top and be the "better child."
If he is younger, then he feels it is his chance to one up your wife.
Either way, she has dealt with him for many years, and has accepted that she will have to deal with him for many more.

Answer 9

I'd probably have been shocked, too, and i'm sure everyone else was as well.

Sometimes people are cruel and stupid.. Your brother in law seems to be no exception.

He apparently thinks your family is in some sort of competition? Well, let him, you have better things to do.

If it were me, i'd gather my dignity and realize that some people are stupid... dont' let him effect your emotions, hon... just go on with life and avoid him at all costs.. he's a jerk.

Answer 10

He is a complete clod! YOu are totally justified in being angry. I would respect your wifes wishes right now though. She is having other things to deal with emotionally and likely does not want to deal with her jerky brother right now. Remember, he has surely been a jerk his entire life and she is somewhat used to it. Be angry but respect her wishes to not start a fight right now. Im sure you will have plenty of other chances to tell him off ( his type never fail to offend). good-luck and very sorry for your loss.