For those who are very anit-adoption? If someone asks a question about, for example, adoption choices or fees

Question

Why do you answer it only to tell them that they are wrong/unethical to even consider adoption, and then tell them your views on why adoption (of infants) is wrong?
I understand this is a public forum, and every view is entitled to be expressed, but I don't understand why someone would answer a question with a completely irrelevant 'rant', that's hardly the purpose of YA.
There isn't the room to list all the questions here, but you only have to look through the list to see what I mean.
I've also noticed that a lot of adoptive parents or potential adoptive parents on here are constantly critisized and condemned by some people. These people are constantly talking about other's denying their truth and their story's, and that's all good, but why do they consistantly deny other people their own truth?

Answer 1

I do think it's silly to answer a question with an answer that is irrelevant to the question asked.

I think sometimes it's more relevant to the person answering that the person asking the question can see. I can see both sides. For example if someone says they are looking for a low cost adoption, then people might recomend the benefits of foster care adoption, and also add that avoiding the exploitation that often DOES exist in infant adoption is an added bonus.

How many biological mothers do you know? How do you really know what percentage of biomoms have experienced losing a child that the DIDN'T WANT TO LOSE, whether it be to feeling they were unsupported to parent (meaning the adoption agency did NOT help to support them with what they REALLY wanted)... or whether it be due to coersion to believe that adoption is the "most loving decision" and better than parenting?

Further more, the story changes over the years and if you are an adoption facilitator you probably mostly interact with young women placing, or who have just recently placed. They haven't had time for the trauma to even fully hit them, much less process all the ins and outs of what just happened to them, or that you just took their child from them and they allowed it. Which is a horror I don't wish anyone to wake up to. Women who start to realize how skrewed up this philosphy of "helping" pregnant women by taking their children are probably NOT going to go back to the same agency/facilitator that caused the most traumatic even of their lives for "counseling" or "support". So the stories you'll here will only be from the women who desperately cling to the hope that while they are in so much pain they barely make it, at least the adoption was "necessary".

It's excruciating to consider that many times, it was not. Many of these women would have made excellent mothers.

I know a lot of biomoms online and in real life, and even among biological parents who are not anti-adoption at all, who have never even explored the internet adoption scene, their stories are so painful and heartbreaking and often DIDN'T need to result in an adoption.

Their loss could have been prevented by having access to resources or even just a listening ear and encouragement to believe in themselves, trust their hearts, and follow their instincts to become the best mothers they can be.

Also, I think questions about "costs" in general can be triggering for adoptees since the questions are often so insensitively written, (things like, "I want to buy a baby, but how much does it cost? I want it to be a boy and have blue eyes and be from guatamala, and also how do I get it FAST?"

It makes adopted people feel an aweful lot like commodoties and some people might feel compelled to say something just because they are appalled by the question.

I hope that helps, since you are asking a "why" question here.

I really don't think the motivations are malicious as you think they are.

Answer 2

I am an adoptive parent, my first child and am adopting through the foster care system. My thought every child needs a home.
Adoptive parents do not have all the rights. In fact my husband and I have no rights - at all. My baby was brought to us from an abusive mother, luckily at 24 hours old. 3 times a week we take the baby to a visit mandated by the court (when the mother shows up). The baby goes when sick, tired, or just fussy. The mother can cancel for any reason, or be late and still allowed to have a full visit.
My heart breaks every time I drop off the baby, and when the hour is over, the baby fusses, and cries if I set them down. Its funny that it only happens on the day of the visits.
Not all adoptive parents care what the baby looks like. We didn't know the sex or the race or if the baby was healthy. We had less than an hour to decide if we were willing to take the baby.
We love this baby with all our heart and do not ever want to let go.
So do not generalize all adoptive parents. Every case is different.

Answer 3

When people look into buying an inanimate object (ie car, house, etc) - they usually look into all the pros and cons of their purchase.

Why then wouldn't people adopting NOT look at all sides of adoption before making a decision.

In the past - no one has spoken out about the down side of adoption as

a) the mothers that relinquish are not in a place of power - they have had to live through the trauma of relinquishment - and if they talk up they're mostly called horrible names.

b) adoptees often do not talk up because they have been rejected from their mothers - they're damaged - they're not going to talk up strongly about the bad bits of their own adoption - as they may be rejected one more time.

Adoptive parents have all the WINS in adoption.

If you keep wanting to hear from them - then you obviously just don't want to know what really goes on.

Hear no evil / see no evil.

Sad really.

You yell out about wanting to save the poor child adoptees - but then when they grow up and try to let you know that there is another side - a darker, sad side - most want to tell us that we should be grateful for just being alive!

Seriously arrogant thoughts - I feel.

Just maybe - if you open your ears - you'll be doing what is in the best interests of the child.

Now - wouldn't that be a nice world to live in.

Answer 4

You asked, so I'm answering.

First, I have never answered that particular question when it has come up on YA but personally, I think YA is the inappropriate place to ask how much it costs to adopt.

I think a lot of us are truly offended by the question.
Adoptees are not commodities to be bought and sold. We are people.

The question in and of itself is offensive.

Answer 5

what I think is sad is that if U want 2 help sum1 U get flagged by all of the people who rant & put other people down...it is amazing how most people can not help being ugly verbally or other wise...it is the whole if U can't say anything nice rule...do not type it either...this is a public site 4 public advice not abuse...the only reason sum1 post a question on here is 2 get feed back on where 2 go or what 2 do..not 2 feel sh**y about what they want 2 know...thanks 4 lettin me rant ;)

Answer 6

Perhaps it depends on their experience of adoption or know of someone else who has experienced adoption negatively.

Answer 7

Anyone who is doing something against adoptees, who isn't respecting adoptees, who is violating the rights of adoptees, is going to get a reply from me, if I happen to read their post / question.

People need to be aware of the "anti-adoptee" involvement they're having in adoption.

Its only "great for all involved" when the adoptee turns their cheek.

Answer 8

While I don't agree with their positions or their tactics in many cases, they do have the right to speak their mind. I wish there was a way that the question asker could take their two points away if the answer is TOTALLY irrelevant to the question.

I wish that these people could see just how happy adoptive parents and adoptees are in adoptions that are handled properly. They choose to focus on the exceptions, rather than the majority of cases.

It is much like the way the media focuses on the few soldiers that return from Iraq and speak out against the war, rather than the thousands upon thousands that wholeheartedly support the war.

Answer 9

I am not anti-adoptive, but here is my answer anyway:

Because they want 2 points, want to put in their 2 cents, and be hurtful to everyone.

People "rant" on all of the topics, not just adoption. If it is offensive, report it.

I just give a thumbs down for hurtful answers. However, to be truthful, I have given negative answers when it is called for it. I don't intend for them to be hurtful (and hopefully they aren't), but this site is for opinions, and I have a lot of them. Also, the way the questions are asked can lead to negative answers. For example: What would you do?

Answer 10

I agree with txpyxie about why they do it. They are looking for a way to spread their message to anyone that is considering adoption, without thinking of how it may be hurtful to adoptees, or people who have adopted children who read these threads and want to help and answer questions.