I am a Father who has a daughter and a son ,whom I raised since they where 7&8 yrs.old.I got into a relationship from hell with this lady ,who treated my kids a second class. Now I with a better woman who treats us all with respect.My eldest my daughter now 21,moved in a internet boyfriend from out of state.He is a real work of art.After 3 plus months.and about 10 grand of financial help with her past troubles they finally got to work.Wrecked my truck not telling me the true story and Now she moved back to boyfriends state cause I was asking too many questions and they felt uncomfortable.Now left us with his &,her bills and alot of things missing and left us with alot of unresolved issues what do I do now?,
2007-09-30 10:52:07 · 23 answers · asked by DEEOHGEE 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Whoa. If daughter is old enough to move in with a guy, then she is a grown up. Wish her luck and butt out and stay out.
You can empathize and say you feel for her, but stop picking up the pieces. Do not enable her stupidity. No more money, no matter how she manipulates you or what stories she tells.
If she comes home, it is without the loser boyfriend. She will either enroll in school, training, an apprenticeship or work full-time, but no more boyfriends in your house, ever. She is either an adult or not. Tell her she is better than that and because you respect and love her, you respect her ability to run her own life. That means no more hand-outs and bail-outs. Do not let past guilt let you ruin her today by not letting her learn from her mistakes.
I know it is hard and horrible. She IS an adult legally though. You say, "I am so sorry you are going through this. I am sorry I am unable to help." and you stop enabling her.
She wants and expects things because she gets them. Cut it out. It is not fun and it is not easy, but it is right. Stand your ground. Bless your heart.
As far as the bills go, you can pay them, not pay them, pay them and sue her and him, etc. I can't really make that call. But, she has shown that she is not trustable, respect worthy, or reliable, so don't act like she is until she steps up to the plate. You can do it. Hang in there. She will grow up. I so pray she is on birth control.
2007-09-30 11:02:00 · answer #1 · answered by whereRyou? 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well she is 21 so she can live with who she wants and where she wants. As a parent you can advise her, but nothing more. You can choose two paths with your daughter, the hard line, or the soft. In the hard line you can refuse to pay any of the young couples debts and refer the collectors to their address and phone number. You can also call the police and file a police report and charges for anything missing you can prove they have taken. The next step would be to inform your daughter that there will be no rescue and monetary support from you in the future. This should be imparted unto her that this even includes after she breaks up with this man. Inform her that you will always be there for her, but now she has changed the rules. She can return home, but she will find a job, and pay her share of the bills and rent. The soft side is easy throw her a rope every time she calls.
2007-09-30 11:03:26 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
First things first, tell your daughter that you love her very much. Then let her know that now that she is on her own and over the age of 18 you are no longer responsible for her financial problems. You have helped her as much as you can. You need to contact whomever she owes money to and let them know where she can be reached and that you are not liable for these expenses. Hopefully her and her boyfriend will make a go of it and get their priorities straight. Life is hard but enabling people only makes it harder. All you can do now is be there for her emotionally and always let her know that you care for her and want to see her do her best. Good luck!!1 : )
2007-10-04 11:02:05 · answer #3 · answered by jfoot1110 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry to say this but....Be happy that she left..She is 21 and if she wants to screw her life over, let her. DON"T let her back into your house when her boyfriend gets tired of her.
The bills that she left, if they are in her name and his name, just write "not at this address" on the enveloples and stick em back in the mail box. You are not responsible for your daughters bills when she is 21.
You deserve happiness and peace in you life too. Don't get caught up with her problems even though you love your daughter. Sorry if this sounds so harsh. My friend went through a similar situation a few years back.
2007-09-30 10:59:38 · answer #4 · answered by nanaimosummer 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all do not pay any part of their bills. It will come back on them not you. I have no real suggestions as to how to handle the rest because my older brother was like that. He expected my family to give him anything he wanted no matter what. He was lazy and a moocher and he always invited people to live in our home who were the same way. Then when he got all he needed he would leave. As I said I have no real solution but please do not do what my family did.
My family for years acted like he was great,like he was just going through a phase in his life and no matter what I did it wasnt good enough.
Dont do that and dont treat your son like that.
I guess you can talk to her but Im skeptical it will work.
2007-09-30 11:01:24 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know it will be hard but you need to permanently boot this little chick from the nest. Are the bills in her and boyfriends names? If so, contact the people whom they owe and give them the correct address to forward the bill to. Sorry about your truck but guess you will have to suffer with that one as it is your property. You could always take them to Small Claims Court and sue for restitution but that would probably be a long stretch.
Unresolved issues are bad but if she is as you say they will probably always be unresolved.
Don't beat yourself up. Learn and go on.
You say you have a good lady now so depend and trust in/on her for the emotional support you will and do need.
2007-09-30 11:00:03 · answer #6 · answered by Sherri 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I can't say that I can relate to your particular situation. But I can say that I have been heart broken and felt like my back was up against a wall when situations arose that I didn't have control over. Whenever things have happened to me that hurt me or were unfair and weighed me down, I went to God about it. I get on my knees and pray because God is the only One who can help us when no one else can. He is the only One that knows the best way for us to handle our problems because He created us and knows every step that we will ever take. He knows the problem and He has the solution. I recommend prayer. I hope that you were encouraged.
2007-09-30 10:59:02 · answer #7 · answered by Soulsista 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
march on down there and assert your authority, to the extreme. she needs to learn that those bills are hers not yours, as for the boyfriend tip the police off hes a drug dealer from an anoymous pay phone. change the locks on your house and don't issue new keys unless she wants to come back and behave. if all else fails just cut her off, some people need to learn the hard way. this isn't your fault in any way shape or form.
2007-09-30 10:56:57 · answer #8 · answered by IshotJR 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow. I truly have undesirable information for you -- those tantrums are not going to start getting extra valuable as long as she's getting what she needs from them. Tantrums are in simple terms valuable if there is an purpose audience, so in case you % them to stop, ignore approximately them. whilst my son (now 3.5) reached the age the place he began throwing tantrums, i could squat down, seem him interior the attention and say gently and quietly "i'm sorry which you're disillusioned. once you experience extra valuable, you are able to come and discover me in the different room." and then i could go away the room and ignore approximately his in good shape. each and every so often he'd even persist with me and grab at my legs and wail pitifully, and that i could in simple terms act like i could no longer see or hear him. He continually stopped, and after some weeks of that, he hardly ever has tantrums anymore, ever. even though you do, do no longer provide her what she desires to stop the tantrums, or she'll study "howdy, this works!" and proceed them perpetually. additionally, it won't "injury your coronary heart" to might desire to assert no to ice cream, candy, etc. "No" is a be conscious for you to use early, oftentimes, and definitely with little ones. yet you will possibly be able to additionally be clever approximately it. in case you come across which you're continually saying 'no' to candies, in simple terms stop protecting them interior the abode and save a lot of healthful snacks obtainable, so whilst she asks, you are able to say "No cake on the instant, yet how approximately some grapes or raisins?" If it is not a great conflict each time, she'll rapidly get the belief.
2016-10-20 09:52:18 · answer #9 · answered by sutliff 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Write it off as lesson learned and let her grow up....DO NOT let her move back in unless she signs a lease and pays rent AND her own way. She is old enough to get an education, go to work and fend for herself. You can be empathetic without being a doormat. It's not tough love, it's just life..... She cannot spend her whole life blaming you for everything that went wrong in her life.
2007-09-30 10:58:47 · answer #10 · answered by agldfsh 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋