Me and my boyfriend fiance has been seeing each other for 8 years, ok, he has an 8 year old daughter, I met everyone in his family almost, in passing, ok, but never his daughter, We plan to be married in a year, and the last time i brought up about me getting to know his daughter, He growled at me, and told me that his ex wife refuses for me to ever see his daughter, I was floored, i said Why? iam a good mom, And he said,s he said, She made it by her lawyer that if i do get married to him that she wants all custody rights, and for me never ever to see his daughter, Now he can visit her on certain occasions, but Iam not allowed to see her, Is this right? or am I just being too selfish? she doesnt even know that i exist, He never told her, I dont want to go against the law either, if this is how she wants it, then ok, so beat it, But i just think its so strange, and stupid, Soo how to get him to talk to me about it, he really does not want me to bring up this issue?
2007-09-30 08:20:45 · 15 answers · asked by trudycaulfield 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Something is fishy here. He has as much rights to this child as the mother so I dont see how such a stipulation can be made about who he marries and visitation rights. Something is very wrong here. He is either lying or was abusive to the wife or child for anything like that to happen. Before you marry this man I suggest you do a full check on him and find the truth. You wont get it from him. Youre going to either have to talk to his ex, and his family and friends or hire a detective. Either way make sure you know exactly what youre getting into. Something here just smells very fishy.
2007-09-30 08:29:54 · answer #1 · answered by Dovahkiin 7 · 6⤊ 0⤋
Okay. There is something else going on here. If he has an eight year old daughter and you have been seeing each other for eight years, was there an overlap? Were you seeing him before he was separated/divorced?? That could explain the ex's bitterness and his ambivalence about including you in the child's life. Now is a very good time for you to take a step back and exhale. First of all, I don't understand the meaning of "she made it by her lawyer that if I do get married to him she wants all custody rights." Her lawyer can't change custody laws and if he agreed to that, no court in the world would enforce it.
What it really sounds like is that he got together with you before he had really severed ties with the ex and she is still very much in the picture.
No, I don't think that you are selfish or anything else for wanting to discuss it with him but there is a bigger issue. If he is still involved with the ex (I don't mean they are fooling around, I mean he has huge unresolved issues), then, in all honesty, the chances for the sucess of your relationship is not very good.
Maybe he needs time. Maybe he needs space. Why not take a step back, take the wedding plans off the table until he decides what he really wants to do.
I think it is really really repugnant to put the child in the middle of grown people's mess. The child needs and deserves both mother and father and to hold the father's rights up is ridiculous. However, I really can't tell if that's what is really going on or if that is what he's telling you in order to avoid dealing with you.
In any event, don't get so tied into his problems that you miss taking care of your own needs. I think a step back would help.
If you really want to check, if the custody order was done in court, those records are open to the public. You could always go and look and see if the order reads the way he's telling you. But if you do that, you're already acknowledging that your relationship is in deep, deep trouble. l
2007-09-30 08:52:23 · answer #2 · answered by CGordo 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
That is strange and in this day and age it would be a very bad lawyer who would allow this kind of arrangement to happen. It sounds to me like this ex has some kind of hold over him.
Does he feel guilty? Is there more to this story than you have told us? Did he cheat with you while married to her maybe? If your answer is no, are you sure? He could have hidden the fact that he was married. He may still feel guilty and to blame for the demise of their relationship so has agreed to her that you dont see the child. I wouldnt want my child to spend time with the "other woman". You cant blame her if this is the case.
I think you do need to delve into this a bit more and he owes you the truth if he is planning on marrying you. Something is not right here. There is some serious baggage with this man.
In this era, where judges are encouraging share care and trying to get fathers more involved in their childrens lives, I find your situation very odd.
When my ex has our kids, even tho I never see him and cant stand him, I have no say over who he is seeing and who he introduces our kids to. I may not like it, and I dread the day he brings another woman into their life, but there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. When they are with him, I just have to trust that he does the right thing by them.
And it goes my way too, I will be getting married next July. He has no say in what kind of relationship our kids have with my fiance.
You need to know what is going on. I am suprised it has taken this long for you to want to get to the truth.
2007-09-30 09:32:11 · answer #3 · answered by bluegirl6 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
He has an 8 year old daughter with his ex wife, and you've been together for 8 years.
Something sounds fishy that you aren't saying.
How long ago did he divorce his ex wife? Were you "the other woman"?
If so, I don't blame her.
But if he can't talk to you then there is a problem with that. Every couple should be open and honest. If you both can't talk to each other I'd just walk away right now.
2007-09-30 10:23:01 · answer #4 · answered by Terri 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't know what the law is on this, but I'm entirely with you: it's strange, and stupid. I'm not sure if it's even legal. Why is he kow-towing to his ex wife? He needs a lawyer of his own to fight this. It makes for an unhealthy family dynamic for his daughter, himself, and you.
The daughter eventually will find out about this, and will be pissed she wasn't invited to the wedding. It's ridiculous to keep her away from normal family gatherings (holidays, vacations, outings), just b/c you're around. And doesn't he get to have his daughter with him on a typical schedule like every other weekend, holidays and summers?
I'm wondering if the ex is manipulating this so she can see your boyfriend alone. I don't know why he's putting up with this. Also, by keeping you out of the picture, he's allowing her to have you treated like a persona non grata. If he's the sort who sides with his ex-wife over you, you should get out of the picture. They're painting you out of the picture already.
P.S. Edit - Carlito might be right. He might be lying about the whole thing. I suggest following Carlito's advice.
2007-09-30 08:36:15 · answer #5 · answered by Ms. X 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
are you sure the child even exists? does he even have pictures?
it's totally strange and very stupid. I think he's really playing you. I don't think I would have stuck it out for 8 years either. You're a far better woman than I am.
After being together for 8 years how have you not met everyone? My now fiance, when we first started going out, met my family at thanksgiving, 4 months into our relationship.
2007-09-30 09:29:21 · answer #6 · answered by Courtney 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Umm...you've met his family in passing....his daughter doesn't know you exist, and this has been going on for 8 years? Sweetie....somethings not right. Sounds like he is still seeing his ex and neither one of you know about the other. Think VERY VERY carefully, and check into things. His daughter is 8 and you two have been dating for 8 years....that right there sounds fishy.
2007-09-30 08:41:15 · answer #7 · answered by carolscreation 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Does he have a lawyer? This could be damaging to the daughter as she will know something has changed, even if she can't put her finger on exactly what. Once she does find out, she may not trust her dad anymore, or her mom either. I think it's important that you try to discuss this with your fiancee--I'm not exactly sure how you should start the conversation though.
2007-09-30 08:33:30 · answer #8 · answered by Katie 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think he is lying to you. I suspect he is leading his ex on or he is still married. You need to get to the bottom of this before you make any wedding plans with this man. Ask to see the divorce/custody paperwork. Tell him you are thinking about hiring a lawyer to get him out of this situation with his ex. If he fails to give you those papers for any reason. Break it off. You will never make a marriage work with someone who will not be forthcoming with you.
Good luck and best wishes.
2007-09-30 10:06:29 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
This sounds like a very bad situation to be involved with. Is he actually going to amrry you, knowing he'd have to give up his parental rights to his own child? And you'd have to deal with this situation for at least another 10 years, and then what would the daughter say about his dad being married ofr 10 years, without him ever mentioning it to her? I think this is a really bad situation about to get worse.
2007-09-30 08:27:06 · answer #10 · answered by melouofs 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋