Ok ive been having confusing thoughts on this whole adoption thing for a while as i am adopted but i dont ..?

Question

understand how can someone just give up a child? And yes i have heard the whole "they wanted the best for you etc" thing, but that doesnt explain then why they got pregnant in the first place, or even why they didnt get rid of the child instead. Because although the whole "they wanted the best for you" approach works.. what happens when the adopted child grows up with small thoughts, thinking 1) i was a mistake and 2) i wasnt wanted by my "birth mother" .. how do you overcome these thoughts??

Answer 1

Honestly, I don't understand it either. It's a question that I've struggled with off and on for most of my life. It became even more apparent after I had my first baby and held him in my arms and knew I could never ever ever let him go.

I get tired of hearing people say "they wanted the best for you" because really, they don't know what was best for me and honestly, for me, the best thing would have been being raised by my natural mother.

My natural mom told me that if she knew then what she knows now she would have kept me. I don't think that it was because I was necessarily unwanted - but moreso that everyone around her told her that was what she had to do.

Even knowing that, those thoughts will still pop up and make me sad. Sad that she didn't do everything in her power to fight for me.

I agree with Possum - for me it's also not a matter of overcoming - not even learning to live with - but just acknowledging them and speaking with others that can help validate your feelings so you don't feel so alone.

Since adoption is viewed as a win-win situation and such a happy event, I thought I was the only person in the world who felt the way I did. The day I read my first book by Betty Jean Lifton was a true eye opener and for the first time in my life I felt as if I had a right to my feelings. Imagine that, it took 30 some years for me to feel I had a right to my own feelings? Nobody should have to be suppressed for that long.

Answer 2

i am adopted you just have to look beyond that stuff. first of all you were taken away and not wanted maybe the mom was too young maybe she was alone and didn't feel right raising someone by herself. maybe you weren't wanted but all that is past and done and now its you have a life and you are fine and my God you are live and living. so what that was then now its now. its time to forgive for whatever there reason was think about if you got pg and how you'd be at a young age they tell people let someone raise the kid that has a home etc. so why not. its bad to approach this with awful thoughts yes tehre are some that make mistakes and that is sad but hey at thet ime they didnt' kill you like abortion you were on eof the lucky ones take care there are so many out there that need to change their thinking i thank God every day i wasn't aborted because my mom planned on leaving she could hae you know and she knew for awhile its the best side i am here and fine. take care.

Answer 3

Me, my brother, and both my boys were "mistakes" that weren't put up for adoption. So on that angle, I can tell you I even questioned if my parents really wanted me when I was younger. Knowing, or even just thinking, that you were someone's mistake is sometimes hard to deal with. Even my best friend's mother was paid to have an abortion. The fact that she was kept, and even that my parents actually took care of me, or in the cases of adoptions, they found someone to take care of their child, means that there was love there. No matter what sort it was. I just say that because I've seen girls (I can't even call them women) that keep the child because "it's theirs and so they should have it." Then they neglect and abuse the child. Or even if they don't, they wind up being emotionally neglectful. I'm not saying you should be grateful they did what they did, don't get me wrong. But do realize that there was some sort of love there.

I can't help you with how to cope with being an adoptee, just being a mistake. But I will say that both of my boys were considered for adoption. Not because I didn't love them, or even didn't want them, but because I was scared that I couldn't raise them in a decent environment. Thankfully, my husband and I managed to work out our budget, and we found ways that we could make a good life for both of our boys (though currently we're on welfare while I go back to school, but we're scraping by, and so far the boys are too young to really notice) but if we hadn't managed to get a plan together, at least one of the boys would probably have been adopted.

I don't think I could live without knowing what was happening to them, or how they were growing up, so I would have looked for parents who would stay connected with us, but even then I know it would have been hard for me.

I can't speak for all mothers out there, of course. And I recommend adoption to everyone I know who might consider abortion, so I know there's other stories out there. But that's as far as I can figure. Of course, there is the other option: being an orphan. Though I don't know how common that is.

Answer 4

The reality is that you have a right to feel any way you want about your adoption. And you have a right to ask questions without being told that you should just be grateful.
Adoption is a tricky subject but the reality is that you have the right to grieve the loss of your original family. You have the right to question your own reality without feeling like you are betraying the people who raised you.
I guess my only answer for you is not to let anyone else dictate your reality as an adoptee.
You have a right to explore every angle of who you are and how or if adoption changed you as a person. And you have the right to take as long as you want to find those answers.
Many of us adoptees have never been allowed to explore our origins, instead, we're just told to be grateful and live in the future. That seems odd to me especially when so many non-adopted persons are so very into exploring their own geneology.
I think it's ok to recognize who we are and where we came from. I think that is very healthy.
As far as being a "mistake" I think that is something for you to decide. I felt that way much of my life until I met my firstmom and learned that I was never, ever a mistake and that she did indeed want me very much.
We as adoptees are not always told the whole story of our adoptions. It is dangerous to make assumptions.

Answer 5

Ok, for me I was adopted as an infant and I never gave much thought to it. It is something I always knew. I had a great family and a good life. My parents, too, fed me the story of how I was "chosen" and I was special..you know the routine, but still I was content! UNTIL...my husband talked me into searching for my mother, now I am a weepy, pitiful mess. I dont understand these feelings I have and how all those years (I'm 32) I was fine..or so I thought. I am just in the beginning stages of my reunion and let me tell you "overwhelmed" doesnt begin to cover it! I get what you're saying about underlying thoughts of abandonment and I understand how it has a huge impact on ones life but you have to know that your self worth should not depend on someones elses actions or words. You ARE special, all of us are, not because you were "chosen" but because you are you...regardless of your birth history. I hope you find some peace.

Answer 6

I am adopted as well and I am extremely grateful that my birth mother decided to place me for adoption. My mother was 24 when she had me and a seamstress. My father was a college student and left her when she found out she was pregnant. Am I mad at my mother for place me for adoption? No. And no I don't think of myself as a mistake. Yes, I was unplanned but that's all that I was unplanned. She loved me enough to place me for adoption. If I had been a mistake, she could've just chosen to terminate the pregnancy.
You should never think of yourself as a mistake. I don't. My birth mother simply didn't have the resources to care for me and she made the best decision that she could. I give my mom lots of credit for being brave enough to do something like that.

Answer 7

There is an enormous difference between BEING unwanted and FEELING unwanted. When an infant is separated from his/her mother at or soon after birth, s/he retains an emotional memory of abandonment. That memory lives in the subconscious mind and, no matter what s/he later learns were the true circumstances surrounding that loss (the mother's death in childbirth, an adoption plan with good intentions, etc.), the emotional memory of abandonment never goes away.

That is why adult adoptees struggle with these things so much, because intellectual knowledge, logic, and understanding never quite trump that emotional memory. It hurts. Sometimes it hurts a great deal. Peer support (from fellow adoptees) is both therapeutic and comforting. It usually comes as a HUGE relief to those who have previously felt alone in their experience - or believed that their feelings were "wrong."

Answer 8

Jessica,

It is soooo hard, it really is. As adoptees we have ALL heard what people are saying here... all of it. You should be greatfull, just be glad for what you have. Your birth mother wanted the best for you, she loved you too much to keep you. Heard it all, been there, done that.
But no matter how you put it, being an adoptee HURTS!! There are those questions in the back of your mind, there is always those questions. It is NOT wrong to think them. Feelings are NEVER, EVER wrong. Its what we do with those feelings, the choices we make, that can be not the greatest. However, the feelings themselves are not wrong. Its what you feel.

Just understand that you are not the only adoptee that feels this way. No matter how you put it, adoption is tough. I know, I have been through all this. I am going to be honest with you here, those feelings don't ever really go away. You just learn to deal with them. You just have to think positive when you can, but understand that its alright to be sad too.

Feel free to come join our forum, its a great place to talk to other adoptees about all those feelings and lots of other stuff too!!

www.adultadoptees.org/forum

Thinking of you.

Answer 9

I pray you had a great adoptive family.Every women has a different story of why they placed their baby for adoption. I was raped by an estanged friend who was a known drug addict. He broke in my house,beat me,raped me and then stole my jewery,cash etc.. My 2 daughters were in their bed asleep during this. Yes, I became pregnant, I said no to abortion and yes to giving my daughter to a loving family that couln't have children. Yes, I love my daughter even the tragic way she was brought into this world. My peace comes from God and I believe the whole incident happened was so this famiily could have a baby. I'm not bitter at God or any angry feelings. I love my daughter and look forward to the day she comes back home to me.

Answer 10

Those thoughts are always there for me. Always. As a child of the baby scoop era, I am someone's dirty little secret. It irritates the tar out of me. Abortion wasn't an option for my mother. It was very much against the law. Sadly I now know how she was treated by the so called best agency in the state. My own adoptive parents absolutely do not want me thinking that I should be grateful. They also don't want society thinking that I should be grateful. Even though my adoptive mother wanted me, she has encouraged me to have compassion for my natural mother. I have also done my research as well. 97% of natural mothers want contact from their children long grown. Only in our society do we condemn and idolize our mothers. Sadly a majority of these women never wanted to give up their children. OUr society forced these woman. It really irks me that society has such a low view of mothers and children. Also back in the baby scoop era, they were not allowed contraception of any kind. It was against the law for single women and men to have such things.