I just found out my longterm girlfriend's number of previous partners was over 20, what should I do?

Question

I did not ask as I knew better as I never wanted to know but after drinking she just blurted it out. Now that I do know it is bothering me in such a huge way because I think of her differently now (mostly jealous/really weirded out of thinking of that many guys having been with her in that way). Not that I have a problem with sex in general (actually pretty fond:) but she is 24 and it would seem that she would have put herself in a lot of bad situations to get to that number. I am requesting two answers: 1. Do you think this is a high number or am I overreacting and 2. what should I do now (could also be what you would do in this situation)?

Answer 1

It's all in how you want to look at it.

Question #1: Yes the number seems a bit high. But if she's been having sex for the past eight years (since age 16) that's about 4 persons a year. Not exactly slutt territory.

I don't know you, so I can't really say if your over reacting. I can say, that you need to discuss this with your girl friend and find out why this bothers you so much.

One thing for sure though, she's the same person you loved and admired, before she told you about her sexual past. That's whats important, is it not?

Question #2: If you haven't done so, I'd get both of you down to the clinic and get tested for STD's. But be very careful on how you present this idea to your girlfriend.

You wouldn't want to give her the impression, that you think she's dirty and you want the goods checked out before diving back in.

As an aside, take it as a compliment that she's been with you for a long time. I mean after being with that many guy's, you obviously MEASURE UP to the competition. (wink wink)

Answer 2

Try not to be too judge-mental. What is your number? Is it much less than 20? Then I understand that you feel this way but you either have to accept it or move on and find someone else. But the thing is that you knew all along that the number was pretty high and it didn't bother you as much, so why now? Did you expect to be a few less? Does a few make a big difference? I know she is young but some people make a lot of mistakes in a young age. If she changed her lifestyle and regrets her past instead of being proud, then let it go. If she thinks that it is something cool, then there is a problem.

Answer 3

I would never judge someone on their sexual prowess. 20 people is a considerable amount. However, was in 20 people in a month? a year? over the past 5 years? if that's the case then no that's not really a lot...who knows? what you should be concerned about is WHY she chose to blurt it out at that moment. A lot of times blurting is a sign of nervousness and anxiety. ( I tend to ramble when I drink) When she is sober...talk to her about what she said. Ask her if there is something she wants to share with you and if there is then your job is to listen and be there for her. Jealousy is an ugly thing to have in a relationship. If you care for her don't be jealous...be understanding. Now would be a good time to "define" your relationship to discover if the two of you have a future together. Talk to your girl. (then when she least expects it, grab her, kiss her, and show her why she can forget about those other 20 people and concentrate on you) You are the man!!!

Answer 4

I do think 20 or more is a high number of partners for a 24 year old, but then again women are more aggressive & assertive these days so...ehhh. Well if you have been with her for atleast a year i would say get over it. If it really bothers u than u have to get tested every 6 months to ease your mind. What i would do depends on how much time we've been together so that like most things, is a judgment call.

Answer 5

You can choose whether you should be twenty-one. Why would you assume she's been in bad situations? This is why people need to keep their "number" to themselves. No, I don't think it's a high number. It's not for me to judge, only her. I can't tell you what you should do now. I think you have valid feelings if you're worried about STDs, but as far as being jealous, I can't get with that. She is with you now. None of her ex-boyfriends or encounters matter. What's your number?

Answer 6

No the number is not high. She is young, she lived here younger years having fun. It is nothing to worry about. It is in the past and does not have anything to do with your future. I am 38 and I have been with at least 30 different guys. A lot of them were one night stands. That I picked up in college while bar tending. You best bet is to leave it a lone and not mention it. I am sure you have been with others. She is now with you. What she did was in the past when she did not know you. Forget about it. If you keep letting it get you down it will only break up your relationship. You need to decide what you want to focus on your relationship with her or her past lovers. You can not have both. Mentioning her past would only cause trouble and she may end up leaving you . So forget about what she told you. You are the one she is with now. Do you want to keep it that way? If so do not say a word about her past. In all honesty is has nothing to do with you.

Answer 7

Every single individual will view this scenario through their own eyes and experience ! But, it is ultimately YOUR baby to rock ! Some will say that this number of intimate relations is normal -- others will say___ "that's disgusting" !! Some could handle it --- others simply couldn't !! There again -- this one is YOUR's to deal with --- and, you've already expressed MAJOR concerns !!
It Does go to the heart of a way of behaving that is somewhat loose on the morals end --- and, couldn't help but concern someone that is thinking in terms of how this type of past could resurface to haunt any fidelity in the current relationship !!
At 22, my ex confided in me, several years ago, that she had been with some four others in her life -- and, I can tell you that it bothered me --- more of the outside edges of my thinking --for years --- So, I can only imagine what this is doing to YOU !!
The hardest part of this for you, now, will be to find a way to get around it -- if the relationship is to last !! And, how you deal with the prospect of knowing that she is no stranger to "strange" ---and, the constant wondering when or if she will choose to venture into that territory again !! (?)
You have a mountain ahead -- and how you choose to scale it -- is up to you -- but, it isn't going to be simple -- I can tell by the way you have described your feelings already !!!

Answer 8

Do not worry about the number. She is with you now. Know that with all those guys she is with you . You must have something going on. You do nothing. You do not sweat about it. Drop your jealous/weirded out thinking.
Enjoy the relationship and be glad you are number 21.

Answer 9

Yeah, I think that's really a high number. No, you aren't overreacting. Secondly, either you should accept it and live with it (assuming you really love her and want to be with her and you're okay with it... so you're okay with her past too!). If it bothers you too much, then it's in your best interest to terminate the relationship.

Answer 10

20 does seem a bit high, but now-a-days one nighters are quite common. I say essentially, the only issue with this is sexual safety. Did they use protection? I say the next step would be to get a full sexual health checkup for you both. (i.e. STD testing)