I dont like the situation going on?

Question

I have a male friend who is single with a 12 year old daughter. His daughter is paralyzed from the waste down and is in a wheel chair. The mother dissappeared from the picture when she was 2. Well what I dont like is that he assists her with a bath everyday and sees her in the nude. The girl has started to develop breast. Now I dont believe he is touching her in anyway inappropriate as father and daughter love each other very much. He says he cannot afford to hire a female to help with this and I am not available to help. He says he is going to construct some kind of system so she can do everything herself but he says he is trying to save the money and find the time. I tried talking to his daughter but she got uncomfortable and made an excuse to leave. I tried talking to the father and he got uncomfortabl and finally got upset and told me to quit adding fuel to this fire. When he rolls her into the bathroom he will get the water right to her taste and then he will help remove her

remove her shoes and pants and underwear. And he will put a towell over the are. His daughter handles the top and she uses a towel to cover. He will then lift her out of the chair and then drop the towells and he will set her in the then leave the room. When she is done draining the water she calls for him and he lifts her out and dresses her bottom and she does the top. He will then blow dry her hair and after all is done they will usually cook dinner together and talk about how her school day went or help with homework.

I find this behaviour unacceptable. He says he cant afford a nurse and I am his only female friend and with my schedule it would be a lot of days I miss.

I have thought of calling child protective services on him to see what they would have to say about it.

Any ideas from you guys?

In fact I think I am going to call child protective services in the morning and report what he does.

Answer 1

Obviously it is a verry hard situation. Till He has the money to get a lift for the tub or a shower room just for her the situation can not be fixed. Maybe volunteering your services would help. Instead of making it difficult for both of them.

Answer 2

Seriously, you say he is your friend but what kind of friend are you? You don't sound like a very good friend to me. Have you heard the saying "Do not judge until you have walked a mile in an others shoes"? If you were a friend you would be supportive and understand that yes, he wishes things could be different, but that is how his life is and he has learned to accept it and he loves his daughter and will take care of her the best he can. I don't understand why this is so wrong. You do understand that there are male nurses who take care of female patients, changing their clothes, their bed pans or their adult diapers, bathing them, etc. Why is it okay for a stranger to care for someone and not someone who has loved you since you were born and can care for you, male or female? Please don't make this poor mans life harder than you have already done but giving him a hard time. Either butt out of his life or help him by being a true friend. Why do you have this need in airing this man's business on the net? I almost feel like this is so out there that you must be making this up to get under people's skin. Either way, if it is true or not, please grow up.

Answer 3

You'd be a cruel busybody to call CPS. You'd be tearing apart both their lives when they have no one but each other. And even if he can't hire a caregiver, he loves his daughter enough to carry her day in and day out everyday and treats her like a normal daughter. To her, there's probably no better dad in the whole world. So you say there's nothing inappropriate going on, then what's the problem? He's no incentuous pedophile. He's seen breasts before(in fact alot of parents have seen their daughter's cleavage since they're always half-naked with the clothes they wear nowadays). And has seen his daughter naked when he held her as a baby, dressed her when she was little, and gave her baths then. It's just skin, we're all born naked, our parents have all seen us naked before when we were little. Don't think of everything with a sexual overtone. He's a bad guy just for caring for his daughter? What would you prefer, that he leaves her filthy and suffering-THEN he'd be guilty of NEGLECT which IS child abuse. If he, she, and neither of them have a problem with it and love each other so, what are YOU doing as part of the picture?

One thing about CPS and all the social workers, alot of times the REAL child abusers get to keep abusing their children, while other children are forcefully taken away from GOOD parents. It's turned into a child abuse industry. I know and am not making this up, I read a book about it. He's already lost half his daughter, don't you take the other half away from him.

And I do think there are options for getting a home nurse or caregiver, they get paid by the government.

If nothing wrong is going on at all, then LEAVE it be that way.

Nosy people... Like others said, what if you had a son who was paralyzed waist down and you had no one to take care of him? Can you see him suffer or will you grow a conscience and take care for him even if you had to bathe him and dress him?

You know what, people like you can go to hell. I hope you get paralyzed from the waist down and had no one to take care of you.

Answer 4

Can I just say that this is NONE of your business!?! What is wrong with the world today is that we sexualize EVERYTHING. Giving your daughter a bath is NOT a sexual thing. It's taking care of her. If I was the Daddy I'd sure make sure you never saw the girl or me again. Of course they walk away when you talk about it, because it's stupid!

If you can CPS over something like that, it will not only hurt the family it will hurt you in the long run when you see that you have destroyed a family.

This may very well be the saddest post I've ever read and I can't believe you would stoop to calling CPS because someone is doing something YOU don't like.

Answer 5

Oh My God... This is truly a horrible situation. A parent is being a PARENT. Yes, I can understand why you want to call CPS. It's a horrid situation. A Dad is taking care of his paralyzed daughter. You can be sure that CPS will want to take the time and investigate such innappropriate conditions.

Can you sense the sarcasm there? What exactly is the problem? This loving Dad is taking care of his child who is paralyzed. He is doing one of the greatest, most unselfish things. Are you a parent? I'm thinking not.

Why on earth do you want to call CPS? You're kidding, right? There is no abuse going on, there is nothing wreckless going on. You would be a very nasty human being to call CPS when there is absolutely no justification in doing so.

So many people out there are taking care of their adult parents. Alzheimer's victims, stroke victims. This is a parent taking care of his CHILD. THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE. Do you think it's innappropriate for a child to see his/her PARENT in that situation, bathing his/her mom/dad? NO.

This is a sad situation, but the Dad is making the best of it. I think he's a hero. Leave him and his daughter alone. You say that this guy is a friend of yours. Well, be a friend and actually offer to help rather than hinder.

Answer 6

It sounds like your friend is trying to do the best he can for his daughter. I am sure he feels bad about the situation. I am sure they both feel awkward and uncomfortable. Now that she is older and can start learning how to do things on her own, I am sure he is trying to figure out a way to keep her safe and giving her the privacy she needs.

Do you have any solutions? If you really care about this family then contact the state and find out if he can get some sort of assistance for her, even for an hour or so 3 times a week. Don't call CPS on your friend when he is doing the best he can and taking care of his daughter.

Answer 7

You can call CPS if you think there is abuse going on...heck you can call no matter what, but it will be very unlikely they do anything with it, as, as you say, you don't feel like any abuse is taking place. He's caring for his daughter like a dad should. Let me ask you this...if it were reversed and it was a mom and a son, would you be worried? I doubt it. It sounds like they have a system where he tries to respect her privacy, but at the same time help her where she needs it. What's the problem here? That YOU are uncomfortable? If THEY are not uncomfortable, it doesn't matter how you feel. It's a private matter and is none of your business, unless you feel like there is abuse to report. Children MUST be protected, I agree, but a father should not be considered guilty for trying to help his daughter. While men are much more likely to abuse and be predators, most men are perfectly safe and respectful people. Of course it makes them both uncomfortable to talk about it with you...they know it's not your business. If he can't afford to pay anyone, be happy he cares so much to help his child. Would you prefer she be dirty? That would be neglect and WOULD be a reason to call CPS...if she wasn't getting clean. I'm not trying to say that you shouldn't trust your gut, but it sounds like your gut says no abuse is happening. How is it that you know every detail of their routine, anyway? Be careful, as if you get too involved, you may lose this guy as a friend as he gets tired of you butting in.

Answer 8

I have a totally healthy 13 yr old and if he needed help or had an injury that required me to see him nude.... I would be right there doing it just like I did when he was 2. She is handicapped... this is what a parent of a handicapped child has to do! My Aunt has a 22 yr old handcapped child that she has to change his diapers. You are looking way to much into this. They both have grown accustomed to there lifestyle and what they have to do/see with each other. I commend him for being a father that is so dedicated that he has stuck with his daughter and been there to do for her all the things she cant do for herself. I would lighten up a little if I were you, you cant understand this situation. Are you a parent? If so, you would realize that it would not matter what your child needed and there age you would be there! What about all the grown men out there that help bathe and take care of there sick and dying mothers? Its the same thing!

Answer 9

Assisting a disabled person with a bath does NOT mean sexual abuse is happening. In fact, it shows that the parent truly cares for the well being of the child.

If there is sexual abuse happening, then something must be done. But the simple fact of assisting with a daily chore does not automatically mean that something bad is going on. Many people are able to understand the difference between nudity and sexual activity.

Answer 10

Turn him in for bathing his kid? What is wrong with you. He does not have anyone else to do it. It has been that way her whole life sounds like. It might not be ideal but they are used to it.Even if he hired help from an agency it would not guarantee that he would get a female. Female nurses and aides also take care of males. He is making the best of a bad situation. He could have run off like her mother.Give the guy a break.

Answer 11

To be honest, this is a tricky situation that is probably very hard for both of them--but really, it is up to them to figure something out. Both are probably uncomfortable enough with the action, but for someone to bring up how disturbing this is most likely doesn't help. Whenever a person has disabilities, certain unconventional measures must be taken. What's important is that this father cares enough for his daughter to aid her so constantly. The details aren't so important. Offer assistance and support, but leave the subject alone. It seems clear that neither wishes to discuss this highly private matter.