Irresponsible family?

Question

My mom and sister live together. My sister refuses to work and my mom allows this. They are both very irresponsible with money. I have heard bill collectors on their answering machine while I am on the phone with my mother. I am married and pregnant, and I live over 1 hour away. And I cannot stop thinking that eventually, I am going to have to clean up their messes as well. I cannot afford to help, and I have made this known. Yet they continue their destructive path of being scofflaws. My mother receives money, but spends way above her means (even after I had offered to help her better delegate her money). As I said my sister refuses to work. I dont want this to affect my pregnancy, but I cant stop worrying. What should I tell them?

Answer 1

First, don't call them anymore while you are pregnant. Focus on your well being. When they call to ask you for something, before they get a word out of their mouth, (hopefully you have caller I.D. and know it is them calling) speak up and say you are sooo glad they called because you need: a crib, or wanted to know when they are throwing your shower,or can they send You.....
You get the idea. Make it a large ticket item, at least 25.00. Do that Every Time they call. They may stop calling altogether, or you might get the shock of your life and actually get them to send you something. (Of course they may try to guilt you into reciprocating the "favor", but let that attempt fall on deaf ears.) Say instead "Oh that reminds me I need..."

The reason some people are so irresponsible is that they are masters of making their problems ours. Don't bite. Don't let the conversation go anywhere near what they need or how are they doing, keep the focus on you. After all, that is what they have modeled for you, isn't it? Always talking about what they need?

Just keep talking about what you need from them, and not that you need them to be more responsible. Don't volunteer any sort of advice or help, just keep asking it of them, period.

They can do for themselves better than they have led you to believe. They prove it everytime they get you to help in any way at all,or make you worry about them.That is their way of doing for themselves-- they do to others. Stop letting it be you. The bit with the answering machine while on the phone with you, I'll bet it was staged for you to hear,I Know it was if they called you that time. Who listens to their messages when on the phone?

If you start assuming they are calling to help you, they May look at what they can do. I personally wouldn't count on it though. Absolutely do not go "clean up their messes", don't even hint at it . Believe me, they will survive and this treatment might actually help them to re-evaluate their lives. At least you will no longer be enabling their destructive behavior for which you are not responsible.

You are responsible for your own, and how it affects your household. Enabling them only hurts your home atmosphere.

I know I sound harsh, and that I may be way off base about how they have treated you. But if any of this hits home,let yourself off the hook. If I have spoke out of turn I sincerely apologize as well.

Answer 2

Tell them nothing. You need to MYOB (or Mind Your Own Business, as Ann Landers would say.) Their irresponsible habits will catch up with them eventually. You have already offered assistance in money management and also informed them that you will not 'bail them out.' Good! Otherwise you would be empowering further bad behavior and only delaying the inevitable. They don't WANT to change their money management habits or they would have taken you up on your offer. All they want is to continue to spend. When they get into enough trouble, then your lazy sister will have to get off her butt or both she and your mother will lose the roof over their heads. It's THEIR choice!

So what's the matter with YOU? Why is this your problem? Don't you have enough to do? Get on with your own life or they'll drag you down with them. Your duty and responsibility is to your child - not to a couple of silly, self-indulgent adults.

Answer 3

Hi Hon,

i can see how you would be concerned that your mother doesn't have enough money; however you said she's irresponsible and overspends.

Your offer to help her make a budget is a great one, and the best offer you can make.

You said -- "I am going to have to clean up their messes as well"... DON'T YOU DARE!!!

If you pay your mother's bills, you are enabling her to continue her habits.. YOUR MOTHER needs to clean up her own mess... Her mess and problems do not belong to you. And the best thing you can do is offer support (just like you did when you offered to help with a budget).

Your mother and sister are obviously adults.... by helping them out of their financial mess, and worry about their problems, you have two very big symptoms of codependency. Please realize a couple of things:

It's not healthy to do things for other adults which they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves.

It's not healthy to worry about someone else's problems and stress yourself out. You can never FIX them permanently (because your mother will continue to overspend after you help her, believe me).... Worry about yourself -- because you can't fix others.

With that in mind, stop putting the problems your mom and sister have on YOUR shoulders... take care of what is yours, and your mother's financial mess isn't your problem.

If all else fails, talk with a therapist... and you will see what i mean.

Take care of YOU.

Answer 4

why do you want their burden on your shoulder? if they do fall, let them fall and don`t help because you already tried to help and they don`t listen, let them suffer their own consequences. this is actually probably what they need to learn their lesson. do not feel guilty at all and do not worry. and don`t feel obligated towards them cause you`re not. take care of your life and the new one to come, that`s what matter not them.