Prominent creation scientist Em Adjineri has recently returned from her vacation, where she encountered several omens suggesting the rapture was at hand.
On the first night of her vacation, Em Adjineri saw a skydiver. The skydiver emerged from the clouds and alighted to Earth. (Revelation 1:7)
His hair was white, and his eyes were red (he was old and wore contact lenses to look cool.) (Revelation 1:14)
On his hand was a tattoo of the Pleiades (seven stars), and his beard was shaved to look like a sword. (Revelation 1:16)
On the second night, Em Adjineri went to make some bets at the track, where she saw four horsemen. (Revelation 6)
On her last night, she went to an animal show, where a bunch of seals were locked up in cages. They were then opened one at a time by a lamb. (Revelation 6:1, 6:3, 6:5, 6:7, 6:9, 6:12, and 8:1)
Since all these prophecies from the book of revelation are coming true, isn't the rapture upon us? Repent!
2007-09-29 03:29:22 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
Did people not read the question, or is it just too early in the morning for satire?
2007-09-29 03:45:09 · update #1
It's why I always make sure my nails are trimmed and I'm wearing clean underwear.
2007-09-29 03:47:18 · answer #1 · answered by capekicks 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
rapture goes like these: angels will blow their trumpets so as only the god people will hear then jesus will come down like a thief and he will bring with him the saved people, and all medias like tv's, radios, will tell that rapture had happened. all anti-christs and non-believers will witness many accidents and they would tell god that why did god left us. and they will kill themselves but they'll never meet death. then the holy spirit who's covering the whole world for almost tons of centuries has done on its duty and will follow jesus onto heaven. after the holy spirit had left disasters will happen, earthquakes, hailstorms, snows, thunders, stars will fall from earth, and an angel will open a hole on earth which is so very very deep and the dragon with 7 head and 10 crowns will appear . he will be wounded but he will heal himself so the human who saw that will praise his name. the 2 witnesses which were the trees are going to be killed by the anti-christs but they will be back to life and the people who will see that would be amazed and that two witnesses will go to heaven. there will be new world and jerusalem. they will need no sun moon and stars cause the holiness of the lord will shine them. all god people will attend to the marriage of jesus. and all the left ones will be punish and they will be brought to hell. with days and nights punishments. and thats for eternity. i think that's just a bit. many impossible things will happen then.
2016-04-06 06:50:52 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since the rapture comes at the end of the 7 year tribulation and I haven't seen the 2 prophets yet it must still be at least 4 to 7 years off. Get ready to go through it.
2007-09-29 03:44:24 · answer #3 · answered by Bug YA 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I didn't see the question when you first posted it. But I might not have answered anyway if I didn't know you well enough to know you had another report from Professor Adjineri. This is the first time you've referred to the good Professor as female. Please give her my apologies for assuming she was male.
She certainly does appear to be on to something here. But I'm ready. I have my copy of "Beam Me Up, Jesus: A Heathen's Guide to the Rapture," by Jim Gerard. I recommend it to anyone who is worried about "how to handle coitus Rapturuptus, that embarrassing moment when your partner disappears right in the middle of intercourse." There is much good advice here, including "How to make sure you get left behind." I'm reading that chapter again, just in case.
2007-09-29 07:19:30 · answer #4 · answered by auntb93 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The funny thing is most think they will be taken away to sit on a cloud and watch the world destroy itself. Any true spiritual person knows that work is involved and there are no freebies. When the program is completed, everyone returns to launch point and the next endeavor.
2007-09-29 03:47:55 · answer #5 · answered by Sal D 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since there is no such thing as a "rapture" - and since nobody in the Church ever believed any such thing as a pre-tribulation "rapture" until the 1850's when Pastor John Nelson Darby made it up out of whole cloth for his Plymouth Brethren movement...I wouldn't hold my breath waiting if I were you...
Unless you think you look good with "blue lips".
2007-09-29 03:36:11 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Uhh, suuurre.
But for those really wanting to understand Revelation, there is a book now that explains it all. 666, The Mark of America, Seat of the Best.
2007-09-29 12:36:51 · answer #7 · answered by smallone 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The Seventh Trumpet (which many refer to as "the Rapture") will occur at the CONCLUSION of the “tribulation”.
Based on the Scriptures below, I believe that the church (1 Cor.10:32 below - saints of the most High, Dan.7:25 below) will face the tribulation under the beasts of Revelation chapter 13.
The "tribulation" will occur between the Sixth SEAL (Re.6:12-17) and the Seventh TRUMPET (1 Thess.4:16-17)..
1 Cor.10:32 Give none offence, neither to the Jews, nor to the Gentiles, nor to the church of God:
Matt.24:9 Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake.
Dan. 7:21 I beheld, and the same (little) horn (king) MADE WAR WITH THE SAINTS, and prevailed against them (Dan.7:25 below);
Dan.7:25 And he (the little horn/king - Dan.7:8, Dan.7:24) shall speak great words against the most High, and shall wear out the saints of the most High (Re.15:3), and think to change times and laws (Re.13:15, Dan.11:31): and they (the saints) shall be given into his hand until A TIME and TIMES and THE DIVIDING OF TIME (3 ½ years/1260 days)
Dan.8:24 And his (the king's - Dan.8:23, little horn's - Dan.8:9, Dan.7:24) power shall be mighty, but not by his own power (but Satan’s - Re.13:11-12): and he shall destroy wonderfully (Re.13:15), and shall prosper, and practice, and SHALL DESTROY THE MIGHTY AND THE HOLY PEOPLE (Dan.12:7 below, Col.1:22, Eph.1:4).
Re.12:17 And the DRAGON (Re.12:9, Re.20:2) was wroth with the woman (the church of God - 1 Cor.10:32, Col.1:22, Col.1:24), and WENT TO MAKE WAR WITH THE REMNANT (the rest) OF HER SEED, which keep the commandments of God, and have the testimony of Jesus Christ.
Re.13:7 And it was given unto him (the beast of Re. 13:1) TO MAKE WAR WITH THE SAINTS, AND TO OVERCOME THEM: and (Satanic) power was given him (Re.13:2) over ALL kindreds, and tongues, and nations (Dan.7:23, Re.17:15).
Re.13:15 And he (another beast coming up out of the earth - Re.13:11) had power to give life unto the image of the beast, that the image of the beast should both speak, and cause that as many as WOULD NOT WORSHIP the IMAGE of the beast SHOULD BE KILLED .
Re.16:6 For they (those who had the mark of the beast and those who worshipped his image) have shed the blood of SAINTS and PROPHETS, and thou hast given them blood to drink (Re.16:4); for they are worthy. (of this punishment)
Re.17:6 And I saw the woman (that great city Babylon - Re.17:5) drunken with the blood of the SAINTS (Dan.7:21, Re.13:7, Re.13:15, Re.11:7), and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus (Re.18:24): and when I saw her, I wondered with great admiration.
Dan.12:6-7 And one said to the man clothed in linen, which was upon the waters of the river, How long shall it be to the END of these wonders?
And I heard the man clothed in linen, which was upon the waters of the river, when he held up his right hand and his left hand unto heaven, and sware by him that liveth for ever that it shall be for A TIME, TIMES, AND AN HALF (3 ½ years or 1260 days); and when he shall have accomplished to scatter the power of the holy people (Dan.8:24, Re.11:3, Re.11:7), all these things shall be FINISHED (Re.10:7).
Pat (ndbpsa ©)
Bible Prophecy on the Web
2007-09-29 13:02:37 · answer #8 · answered by BibleProphecyOnTheWeb 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No it is not, and when it does happen you will know it. But the main thing is to be ready and to ask Christ to come into your heart and save you from your sins. I believe the rapture is not that far off.
2007-09-29 03:41:25 · answer #9 · answered by evangelistvern 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It seems to me that you have read the book of Revelations. I suggest you read it again to know what will happen to people who add or delete something from this book.
2007-09-29 03:47:09 · answer #10 · answered by ! 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is no rapture.
Read Mark 13. Matt 24
the tares are taken out first.
the ungodly will be taken away, just as it was in the days of Noe.
2007-09-29 03:36:44 · answer #11 · answered by mary 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋