My mother expects me to do everything for her....?

Question

ever since my dad passed away 6 months ago. When my dad was alive, he took care of everything for her, and she depended everything on him. Now that he is gone, she depends on me too much. She expects me to run her errands, fill up her car every time (she tells me she never learned how to fill up her car herself, and she's "afraid" to try), and I am getting annoyed! It's not enough that I take care of the house, clean up after my messes and hers, have a 9 hour job, pay for my car and insurance, and give her money towards what she sees fit (mostly her groceries and gas...I pay for my own things). I am getting very annoyed that she won't even try...I understand that she works 3rd shift part time, but on her days off she does nothing. She even gets mad at me when I go out to see friends, and my boyfriend. The only people she talks to is me or my aunt. And when I stand up to her about this, she gets mad and gives me a guilt trip. Please help! How can I stop her from depending on me to much?

Worse thing is, when I try to show her how to do things, she is stubborn and refuses to learn.

My mother is 52...no ilnesses, except for diabetes, which she manages well.

I am 22 years old

I am starting counseling next week....I want to invite her, and have, but she refuses on that too.

Answer 1

Your mother is afraid to try but she may be amazed at how much she's able to do if she does try. What would happen if you didn't put gas in her car for her? Someone would have to do it. She uses the guilt trip because she knows it works. What would happen if you dismantled all the buttons she's been pushing?

Some people are so comfortable in the role of victim that they don't know how to function any other way. Your Dad did everything for her so she didn't have to. Now that he's gone, she's feeling sorry for herself and believes the rest of the world should, too. If you suddenly disappeared, who would she turn to for all the things you do now?

It sounds like you've tried to help her become more independent. And you deserve much credit for that. She refuses to go along because it's much easier for her to let you do things. You, on the other hand, are at a point where you resent having to do these things. Something's got to give. She has to step up to the plate and that won't happen until you stop doing what she expects you to do.

When she lays down the guilt trip, stop letting it affect you. As she's using her guilt language, you use your own language and remind yourself that she's trying to manipulate you. As she sees the old stand-by not working anymore, you'll see her try new tactics. When they don't work she'll continue to try other things. Each time she tries, stay strong and refuse to give in. There will be resentments on her part because she's not getting her way.

When she starts blaming you for not caring about her, tell her you care so much about her that you will no longer allow her to be a victim. Tell her you love her so much that you want her to be able to take care of herself in case anything should ever happen to you. That will lead to more self-pity on her part but eventually she'll realize that she has to try to do some things on her own. Encourage her to try. Don't expect miracles as it sounds like she's been this way most of her life.

Recruit your aunt in this process as well if you think she'll go along. Your Mom will be much better off when she learns how to take care of herself. She'll start to feel much better about herself as she sees that she can do things on her own and eventually there will be a momentum that will spur her on. Getting her started will be the hard part so stay strong and don't let her push your buttons.

Answer 2

I'm assuming that you are out of highschool? Give her 6 more months. She just lost her husband. Give her a total of a whole year. And then move out. Start saving. Start planning. Let her know what you are planning. Give her time to prepare. When she gives you a guilt trip calmly tell her, "I love you, but you are MY mother, I am not YOUR mother." Encourage her to go out to do things. Take her out to do things. Take her to a movie, take her to bingo, take her to a bar. Take her where there are people. Re-socialize her. Hopefully by the time the year is up, she'll be ready to let go. She needs to realize that you are not the only thing that she has left in this world. And that her life is not over. Also, she will learn how to put gas in her car once you staunchly refuse to. Also, taking her to family therapy will help her deal with his death better, once you talk about it to a third party together. She'll realize that you lost him too.

Answer 3

Sorry for your loss, but six months is still a mourning period. I understand how you feel. If you've already taught her how to fill the gas tank and she 'forgets' just tell her that you taught her and she needs to start doing it on her own. I wish you stated your mother's age because that could play a big part in it. Your mother is alone now and is depending on you. You shouldn't have to be giving her money for groceries and gas. She needs to be responsible for her everyday expenses. Try talking to your aunt to see if she has any solutions at what to do to help your mom. I remember when my grandpa died.. my grandma didn't know how to drive or balance a checkbook. He did everything for her too. She did learn those things, so maybe your mom just needs a little encouragement because you're not always going to be living at home for her to depend on.

Answer 4

I am sorry about your dad sweetie. It must be hard on you too. And it sure isn't fair that your mom is expecting you to take your father's place. That's what she is doing isn't she. And it has to stop. You are a good daughter to do as much as you are doing.

But your mom needs professional help. She needs a way to deal with her grieving, and more importantly she needs to learn how to live as an independent woman. Chances are she is very mad at your dad for dying... stupid emotion but probably true and she is probably having a hared time coping. She needs help.

Is there another family member you can talk to? Can you talk to a counsellor at school to get yourself off the hook for some of these things?
You might have to get angry and put your foot down and force her to see how hard it is on you too. Only you can allow yourself to feel guilty. Learning how not to feel the guilt is hard but it can be done. You get some one to help you and perhaps it will force your mom to get help too. She needs it - She is not handling her grief in a good way.
Good luck and HUGS to you!

Answer 5

Hope about locating a widow/widowers group for her? You are correct she is becoming totally dependent on you, but at the same time this is why it is bad for anyone person within a relationship to have all the control. She needs to talk to others who are going through similar things. You may have to go with her to a few meetings, but if it teaches her how to gain independence it would be worth it. I am sure there are other things she is going through as well, depression sounds like a possibility. When a person is depressed they do not care about learning things or doing them for themselves. You may want to also contact her doctor and explain to them what is going on. There is help out there, but she will have to accept it in order to move on.

Answer 6

I'm glad to see you are starting therapy next week... please be consistent and go to more than a few sessions... it takes time to get to know the therapist and then to start working on issues...

meanwhile, your mother needs to learn to take care of herself. you are not responsible for her. if she is lonely because of your father's death (and i'm sorry for your loss, hon), then maybe she could consider some grief counseling or finding a grief support group. there are a lot of resources out there for help and support -- a person has to make the effort to find them. I'd urge her.

Also your mother could consider a hobby or doing things with friends. She could even join a gym. or take a class...

You are ENABLING your mother to use you. She was used to being taken care of, even to the point of having her car filled with gas. This is rediculous for women of our age (i'm 50)...

Independence is a WONDERFUL thing, and your mother isnt too old to figure out what that is.

hugs

Answer 7

HAve you tried enlisting the help of your aunt? Maybe she can help your mom see it from your perspective. I don't know how old you are but I know how difficult it is to say "no" to your mom.

Since you are working, have you considered moving out on your own? At some point you have to say no I am not doing it anymore and stick to your guns. Otherwise you risk being stuck in this situation the rest of your mom's life.

Answer 8

how old is she? I know it's really mean but if she's really old maybe the nursing home?
Or make her socialize more with people and then she'll make more friends and she wont be so lonely and not depend on you that much.

Answer 9

There are organizations out there that can help you. Just give her time, this being without a husband is new and scary for her....please try to understand....

Answer 10

It seems that your mother is kind of depressed ... try to help her out .. and tell her what would you do if I left someday or got married ? she might start thinking about that