Can you respect & completely despise the same person?

Question

My mother in law has worked hard her entire life and raised a wonderful man that I am now married to. She also has a daughter with some serious disabilities and continues to care for her daughter and work full time. She is absolutely one of the strongest women I know, I can't deny her of that.

However, she gets into our business too much. I came into the relationship with her son as a mother. I had a very young daughter when I started dating him and he and I dated for about a year before we got married. After we were married, he adopted my daughter and we had another child together.

His mom seems to be upset about the adoption. Every time she sees our children, she refers to them as her grandchild and the child her son adopted. She never calls my first child her grandchild. She also wants the younger child to call her Grandma, but the older one to just call her by her first name.

My husband is the only father my oldest child has ever known. This is incredibly hurtful to all of us.

My husband has talked to her about it, but she says she doesn't want to discuss it anymore. He can't just cut ties with her because of the sister. It's a sticky situation.

Answer 1

Yes, you can respect a person for one facet of their lives and despise them for another. Most people have a private persona that is different than their public persona, some markedly different.

An extremely charitable person (in public) might be a total a-- to their family in private.

Answer 2

No, I can't think of anyone that I ever both despised and respected. This seems very uncomfortable for everyone. It's wonderful that you and your husband have tried to be dutiful and respectful towards his mother but your responsibility is to your children.
I'm an adult with step-grandparents, and I would be broken-hearted if one of my them asked me to call him "Bob" from now on while my stepsister calls him Grandpa. Your daughter does not deserve to be singled out and embarassed every time Grandma is around.
I cannot imagine a grandparent wanting to do that. Grandparenting is a privelege that most of the world looks forward to. It is not reasonable of your mother-in-law to dictate that she will only be "Grandma" to her son's biological children, not adopted children.
Grandparents can play a very important role throughout a child's life, but do not have a license to be discriminatory and hurtful. I know things are always more complicated than can be typed in a short Question form, but based on what you've said, if these were my children, I wouldn't let them near my mother-in-law unless she was willing to be kind to my firstborn. I wouldn't even demand perfect equality in treatment (although I'd keep hoping), but something much more respectful than "my grandchild and the child my son adopted."
Good luck, and I hope Grandma will see the light

Answer 3

My advice is not to request your husband "cut ties" with his mother. U posted U married as a mother to your child but try not to emesh that with being hubby's mother or attempt to erase that relationship. Also, don't allow the kids to be a constant issue really it's not good for the marriage and they will see this as parents who are not on the same page. That is a bad habit and is not good for any family.

You are not alone with the coldness issue concerning grandchildren as my step-mother didn't accept me as her step-daughter so then denied her grandchildren calling her grandma. She asked my son's to call her a man's name which pretty much describes her cold personality anyways - not the name but the whole concept. The same woman who was party to ruining two of her grandchildren's lives when they were going thru a rebellious stage. The best advice I can give is that is their relationship kids/grandma unless your husband feels it would help to talk to her...some people do see when you point things out and others are closed minded by example my step-mom. If not, one day she may be asked by, or shall I say, get put on the spot where the "name" question rightfully belongs between her and her grandchildren who are her grandchildren related by marriage.

Added: I'm sorry conversing didn't work out.

Answer 4

Adequate dude. A couple of things... First, you say you get "weird looks" whilst you exit... What are you carrying? Are you getting bizarre looks while you talk to individuals or just after they appear at you? If it is when you talk to persons you might wish to look at what you speak about. 2nd, you cannot go out watching for sex or even a g/f. You ought to go out watching to have enjoyable and simply speak to a few persons. Men and women ordinarily mistake ingesting acquaintances for buddies. In fact, most men and women most effective have 1 or 2 neighbors that they are able to depend on when it really issues. You might be 22 man, you've numerous existence left and you ought to get out of this "sad sack" mentality. You must get a "survivor" mentality as an alternative of a "victim" mentality. I hope that you just weren't looking for sympathy, reason you won't get it from me, however I will provide you with support. Existence is hard, but it surely does not perpetually suck. When it does suck, you have got to bear in mind that it will not suck ceaselessly. Things will get higher. Things consistently get higher. You by no means stop. That is what wusses do. You will not meet anybody if you're a miserable unhappy sack... So go do anything that you just care to do and perhaps you can meet anybody there. Take a class, join a gym or a membership or whatever. And don't give up simply when you consider that you do not meet a person the primary day. Go along with the mindset that you're doing whatever fun and no longer that you're doing this to discover a girl. Excellent good fortune, and do not wuss out.

Answer 5

I would tell her or have your husband tell her until she can treat both children the same she won't see them anymore. Get a babysitter the first few times you go to see your mother-in-law, and sister-in-law, she'll change her tune when she realizes you mean business its either respect the whole family or no grandchildren, you could also try introducing her the way she wants to be called by the children in public and expose her to everyone how cruel she is to an innocent child.

Answer 6

Being a sperm donor in no way makes you a father. I would let your mother in law know this. He is your child's father and if she wants to play favorites she is only creating resentment between your 2 children. As a mother it is your job to protect them. If she can not accept your first child then I would not be around her nor would my children. Your husband is a grown man & can see his mother as often as he likes. When she is ready to act like an adult and not pick on an innocent child then I would let her see my children.

His mother needs to grow up as I would think since she has a child with a serious disabilites she would be more compassionate towards other children.

Answer 7

I have a lot of respect for people who have had difficult points in their lives and still come out the other end with a positive attitude. But the views that your husbands mother have are not only hurt full to your family but to your eldest child as well.

My fathers mother had photos of all her grandchildren around her house - but none of me as my father had adopted me from my mum too. Its the one thing that sticks in my mind about her. She needs to understand that the way she is treating your older child isn't good for him/her weather she agrees with the adoption or not.

I hope that you find a solution for this problem. Family issues are never easy to resolve.

Answer 8

I can understand why you are hurt, since I am a single mom as well. I think about that at times whether the next guy i meet will be able to accept the fact about my son and as well as his family. All I can say is don't let this put you down or at least down show this weakness to her be strong and she'll realize that if she is doing this to put you down and you arent maybe she will change.

Answer 9

That needs to stop before it seriously affects the children. Your husband needs to talk to her again and tell her she is entitled to her opinion [ which sucks, by the way] but you would appreciate it if there is NO sign of it in the presence of the children. If she can't manage that, then she should very limited in her contact with them until she understands.

Answer 10

I think you mean dislike (or hate) and resent not despise. Forgive me if I am wrong. But you can't respect and despise the person at the same time. Sorry you are having such a bad time.