When and how do you tell your child that you are leaving her father?

Question

After 16 years, my husband and I had a child. She is now 7. In the last 3 years he's had some health problems, became an alcholic (in recovery) and won't get a job. The first 20 years he worked. Now, he does nothing. I've given up my home and moved to a less expensive house. I've moved away from my friends and a place I loved. I am the sole supporter of my family. I make enough money to live off of, but he is sucking me dry. He hasn't touched me in over a year. How do I tell my child, that I gave life to, that I waited many years to have, with what and who I thought was a good person, that I have to leave? How do I take her and leave?

Answer 1

Don't leave that will send your daughter a message that marriage is not for Better or for worse, in sickness and in health ... I suggest to get to some Al-Anon meetings. He's still a good person ... your considering breaking a promise you made before God and the world.

Every and I mean every marriage goes through hard times and once you go through then (and not run away) you two will be closer than ever. You think you have it bad now ... wait until your divorced going from man to man.

Stay with your husband, help him get better ... Stand for something and fight for him!

Answer 2

How can you "think" someone is a good person for almost 20 years and then suddenly discover that they are not. Your husband may be impossible to live with at this point, but you seem to be aware that it is almost entirely a function of unresolved physical and mental health issues. I do not discourage a separation, but don't take away that he was a "good" person or doubt your own experience over the past almost two decades.

You do not indicate how you intend to accomplish this separation. Are you going to talk with your husband about it and plan it out? Or are you just thinking of taking your child and leaving and trying to work things out after the fact? I hope it is the former. And I hope you've been seeing a therapist. You need someone to coach you through this. Someone who has seen tens, if not hundreds of people deal with similar situations, and who can describe how it can be done most successfully. Your therapist will have better and more comprehensive advice than this, but when talking to your daughter start with something along these lines: "Have you ever noticed how . . .." Fill in things that you know she has to be aware of. And talk about the interaction between you and your husband, not just about your husband. Always acknowledge that she loves her father (which certainly she does), and that he will always be her dad. Don't promise anything you can't deliver.

Do not act overly sad. You need to demonstrate strength in talking with your daughter. You do that by acknowledging but not dwelling on sadness. Acknowledge that this is the last thing in the world you ever wanted, but you have examined it from all angles and this is what has to be done. "Sometimes in life we have to do hard things, so that the future can be better." Be able to descibe the practical implications for her: will she have to change schools? will she see the same friends? Try to minimize these kinds of changes. Listen to her. Now fill your life with the best people you can. People that make you laugh. People that make your daughter laugh.
Spend lots of time with her. Read to her. And never say anything angry about her father. Acknowledge his good points, his problems and your sincere hope that he will be able to get better eventually.

Answer 3

Have you tried counseling? Perhaps losing that job was a blow to his self esteem and he hasn't gotten that back yet so turned to alcohol. You can explain to her that her daddy does things that you can not live with, like not getting a job, but remember that the longer you stay with him, the more you are teaching her that it is all right to allow a man to live that way with her as well in time. You can impress upon her that some men can be good in some ways but not good in relationships and thus you are leaving for that reason. Children need good parental images as they learn about life and when one of those images is broken they may well get into a broken relationship as well when it becomes their time to make those choices that put you in this position.

Answer 4

Wow, Oprah just had a show on this. The expert said that both parents must tell the child. That you both have 45 seconds to tell the child. And that you both must tell the child that she will be spending a lot of time with both parents and it is not her fault. And whatever you do, don't blame each other individually.

Say things like Daddy and Mommy said some things to each other that isn't very nice, Daddy and Mommy know that it is better for everybody if we are apart, etc.

Then you must listen to your child's grief and try to answer her questions.

That's it in a nutshell.

Answer 5

Just tell her that Daddy is having some personal problems right now, and that you have to get away so he isn't distracted and can get well. Tell her you love her Daddy, but you and her cannot live there anymore unless he gets better & that you know her Daddy loves her, but he isn't able to be the kind of Daddy she needs right now.

Don't tell her until you're getting ready to leave. Don't let her sit with the secret for months, thinking she's betraying her father by not warning him. Just trust me on this one.

Answer 6

You don't have to explain WHY you are leaving, but i'd say the first thing is to let your daughter know you and her father love her very much... you can then talk with her about your plans to separate.

There are good books written especially for children to help with this.. You might want to pay a visit to the library or a major bookstore and browse some of them? maybe this will help you to better relate this situation to your daughter.

i'm sorry you went through this with your husband, and i hope the future brings better things for you! take care.

Answer 7

Just honestly tell your child that you can't bear it anymore living with her father. Maybe at her young age she still can't understand this fully but it's just saying that you will live apart from her father. Most importantly, give your child the right to choose whom to stay with. She might love to stay behind with her father or maybe she would want to go with you. It would be easier for you to tell her all about this when she sees you packing up your things. Good luck!

Answer 8

Tell her you made a mistake. Instead of marrying Mr. Right, you found out he was Mr. Wrong and you just can't be with someone that refuses to work for a living and expects your child to be without the basic neccessities of life.