Has the nature of your parent's relationships affected you personally?

Question

My parents divorced when I was 4 - but I can remember having seen them argue forever. They are a mismatched couple.

Recently I've decided I am not interested in marriage and/or de-facto (I'm 22). My father says that this may have arisen as a result of seeing the relationship between him and my mother and I agree.

Has anyone else here has their romantic life affected seriously by their parent's relationship? Have they loved each other all their lives and you've based your relationship on that? Or have they been like mine and probably scared you away from such a future?

Answer 1

My parents don't see each other eyes to eyes too. My mother can scold my dad for an hour over a trivial matter such as closing the door too hard.

I do still fall in love, but right inside me, I know I don't want a marriage too. I had planned to travel around the world...alone.

Answer 2

Absolutely, I was a product of my environment. My parents relationship was like gasoline & fire. They managed to stay together for 29 years and then divorced. There was violence, verbal, mental & emotional abuse weekly for sure but sometimes daily.

If one of them wasn't threatening to leave the other was saying there's the door. My mom left my dad when I was about 1 they divorced and remarried because my mom was scared and had no support.

Both of them had anger issues, neither knew how to communicate with each other. Separately they are decent people, it just didn't work for them on many levels.

Did it affect me? How could it not? Did I shy away from my own pursuits because I was afraid that I would end up with the same results, no. I chose to break the cycle and in many ways I have.

Sarcasm, using humor as a defence, being quick to become defensive, being overly sensitive, being bossy, mood swings, shutting down & giving the silent treatment, these are just a few of the things that I do to other people...because of how I grew up. I know I'm doing it and a lot of times I stop myself but that's how they dealt with things and it's what I know.

When I was a kid, I always said I would never have children because I didn't want to be like them. I did end up having kids and for the most part I have not hurt my kids like I was hurt. I have learned to apologize, although it's hard. I have learned to identify my trigger points and I have also learned to disect what the root of reaction is.

IF I could do my life all over again would I choose the same parents, that's a hard one.

I can tell you that you're really smart to figure out why you're making the choices that you've written about. I would recommend either a good counselor or good self help books.

I don't recommend missing out on what could be such a beautiful life for you, because of someone elses' mistakes.

Answer 3

I am an only child. My father was an abusive alcoholic who argued with my mother incessantly. Nothing we did was ever good enough for him. There were always doors slamming, plates flying and lots of shouting. When I was young I swore I would never marry or have kids because I was so lonely and unhappy. Then when I was 15 I fell for a guy at high school. I thought he would just be a casual boyfriend like a few other school crushes. But even though I kept him at arms length and tested him continuously, he stuck around. He loved me and I loved him. We got married at 20, had two great children who have never known abuse and after 25 glorious years we are still blissfully in love. I'm so glad I didn't rate all men like my father, I would have missed out on the most glorious life. Let your parents live their lives and you live yours independently luv. You deserve your own.

Answer 4

my parents divorced after 27 yrs when i turned 18. they hadn't had a "real" marriage in yrs, seldom argued, but also didn't have good times together either. they stayed together for us children, because it wasn't a bad marriage with yelling & cheating & lieing & such. they just had separate lives & acted more like roommates than spouses. they felt it would be more harmful to split up and bounce us back and forth to different homes. it took me a long time to trust my instincts on how to behave in a relationship, since i didn't really have a good role model to show me what to do and how to act. when they first divorced, i was angry and thought they should have divorced long before if they were unhappy. but now that i'm a parent, i can't say that i wouldn't do the same if i were in the same circumstances. i guess the older/more experienced i get, the more i can see things their way and realize that the influences they had on my life weren't so bad after all.

Answer 5

I can kind of relate... I am 22 been with my hubby for 5 yrs. but married 2 yrs. I had a hard time going into trustland with him. I really think it was because when I was 11 my mom got a phonecall from someone telling her that her hubby was at so and so place with another lady sure enough we went and I seen my dad in the car with her. Also he is a recovering alcoholic it's been 5 yrs. he has not had a drink he use to beat her too It did affect me though I was a little bully, defensive as a teen and I would always remind my self that I was and will never tolerate a man to even attempt to hit me, My parents are tough and stuck it out they turn 36 yrs. married this yr. and my mom chose to stay with him Iam proud of them because I know it was hard for my mom. I talk to my hubby about this stuff and he understands.

Answer 6

My romantic road has been a rocky one, but it's nothing to do with the example my parents set. I whole-heartedly agree with you about parents shaping a childs ideals of what a relationship should be. My story is a bit different, because the failed relationships I've had I believe stem from my ex-wives(yes, plural) childhoods. I've been married twice, and divorced twice. I'm currently engaged(for the third time...if this doesn't work, I'm done, dammit!) My first marriage only lasted about 4 months. It was a whirlwind romance, we married only a year after meeting. In hindsight, if I'd have just waited a little longer...ANYWAY- she'd grew up with her grandparents, and she never knew her real father. Her mother was a bit promiscuous in her youth, and she had three younger siblings, and each of those had a different father. SO, what I believe she learned was that if one man wasn't treating you just so, ditch 'em. I caught her in a hotel room, almost four months to the day we wed, with two guys from a different state that were in town working on a construction project. She worked at that hotel, and met them there. That was 11 years ago.
Fast forward 3 years. There I was, getting married again. To the woman of my dreams....Fast forward 6 years. There I was, getting divorced, from the woman of my nightmares. She'd grown up bouncing from her mother's house to her father's house, depending on who bought her the shiniest gifts. Her mother and sister told me that it was thier fault for how my ex wife acted because they spoiled her rotten. Her mother and father had gotten divorced when she was young, and they bided for their daughter's attention by bribery, more or less. She got whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted. In the real world, you just can't do that. I could financially afford her anymore, and when she realized that, she found someone who could, for a while. She eventually sucked them dry too, I've heard. After two divorces, I took a long hard look at myself. I thougth of everything I've said, did I give them enough attention? Did I do EVERYTHING I could to make them happy. The answer was No. Because No one can do that, without being psychic, or a millionaire with nothing but time on their hands. There's going to be times when you're too busy trying to make ends meet that you just may forget something. That's life. The trick is, you've gotta find someone who understands this, and is willing to work with you to make ends meet. I hope, for my sanity's sake, that the one I've found now is....I think she is, but only time will tell.

Oh, and by the way...her parents were happily married for over 30 years, until her mom passed a way a few years ago....So I'm thinking that I've got a shot!

Answer 7

My parents had a wonderful marriage for 50yrs in July this year, sadly my Dad passed away due to incurable cancer a matter of weeks later... Looking back now on my relationships, no one has compared to the type of love my parents have shared, they were an amazing couple and I know NO MAN can ever measure up to the love my Dad showed my Mom. I think wanting the kind of relationship they had has made me realise how bad mine have been.

Answer 8

My parents split at a young age, too young for me to remember (I was one), so no - their interactions haven't affected me (as far as relationships go).
My wifes parents... well... that's a different matter entirely. The Dad is a calm, relaxed guy, stoic & friendly while perfectly composed. The mother (if you can call her one) is the most mentally diseased animal I've ever had the misfortune to interact with. She's interfering, malcious, backstabbing, mouthy, a liar, a coniver and a general hateful bag of wind. She backstabs her children (blaming all their ill behaviours on mental illnesses, drug and drink addictions, etc.), her husband (badgering his sexual performance and his working hours), her adopted daughter (thank God there's no biological connection), myself (don't ask - too much to discuss), her other relatives (blaming them for every family fued that occurs), etc. etc. the list just goes on & on. When my mother had cancer - she made some severely sick allegations at my mother. I'll just be glad when God takes that creature back.

Answer 9

my mum and dad seperated when I was 5 and then it was the yo-yo child rearing years till I was 9 where mum would take us for 9 months and dad would go away , then mum would go away for 18 months and dad would be there then when I turned 9 dad told mum no more and raised us until we lost our house when I was 14 , they fought like cat and dog , I remember 1 night my dad showed up drug in his old morris minor and my brother and I tried crawling out the window to him , my mum got so mad she let our oldest brother punch into my brother while she smacked me.dad smashed the window trying to get to us.It really was quite volatile.

I went the opposite way to you though , I married twice , had 5 kids just like my parents , but am more family orientated , which means I tolerate at a higher level then my mother ever would , where she ran I stay and try and save it , might be stupidity , but I remember watching my dad go through 4 bar maids and a truck driver as my step mothers , I dont want that.He died single and feeling like he was alone , if he could only see how many were surrounding his bed in the ICU he would know he was loved and needed.

Answer 10

My parents have been married for 34 years and I THOUGHT that there marriage was the perfect example of "love". Now that I have been married myself for 5 years- my Mom started talking more to me and I realized that their relationship has always been one big lie. They are still married- but my Mom even said "I didn't love your Dad when I married him- I grew to love him over time". Talk about screwing my world up! LOL! But once I heard that I felt better about the fact that I want out of my marriage so bad! So yes- my parents marriage has formed me in someways.