pls help............?

Question

can anyone please drop some reviews on my friend's story, actually my friend is a new writer,pls do help.tnx in advance!


http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2414101/1/

p.s. sorry for my poor english x_X

Answer 1

Well I only read a little of it. Don't have the time to read it all. But I read enough to have some comments.

1) The Prologue - I assume that is the bolded part. It is one huge information dump. It reads like I was sitting through a really boring history lesson. Your friend needs to read some prologues from other books and see how it is done. You should try to incorporate some of that information into dialogue and plot rather than lecture your readers at the beginning. Nobody would read past that.

Then your friend writes a lot in the passive tense. She should try to avoid that.

The last thing I noticed was her repeated use of "The Guy" ... The guy said this... The guy said that. That is a totally vague word that doesn't suit the situation at all. It is a colloquial expression from 20th century America. She has to think of a better way to describe this person. The guy makes me think I am reading The Godfather. It just doesn't fit. Some kids here go overboard with descriptions, your friend under describes.

I lost interest very quickly. It needs work. Pax - C

Answer 2

My reaction:
It's an old idea, that of other races at war besides just humans having the 'honor.' It seems a shame to me that your friend chose to also use the old idea of light vs dark as good vs evil... I begin to wonder if there is anything new under the sun!
I only somewhat liked the description, because of what I wrote before and what I now say: there are few places in the story where the writing is very 'active.' I hope you know what I mean by this.

Your friend uses passive sentences often. This could mean the sentence has too many 'ing' words in it, (the verbs are passive that way) or she uses too many prepositions (words like: under, of, that, which, over, in, at, by, with , from, to, etc...you can look them up in a dictionary); I didn't take the editorial view to notice specifics! But you can for your friend. There were definitely things that made me sleepy reading the story, and you know that shouldn't happen!

Even [or especially?] the long intro describing places (could the action that follows lead the author into describing the places instead of only that long intro? I like that idea!), as is, it didn't feel active or new.

I got more interested when the villain came along...
The way he takes energy, the necessary reaction taken, the I'm-not-sure-why (?) 'saving grace' has to be with humans... there things begin to be more interesting.

Ask your friend to rewrite the beginning in a much more active voice, even to be prepared to throw out what seems significant (it can be saved if she wants) and start over with a fresh view, as if she were just released from inside Hon.

Good luck to her... tell her to think "action" and "original"-- some already done, a lot more to do. It's fun to write, isn't it? I really do think so!

PS. I left some references a little vague on purpose... Be sure to be encouraging to your friend; it's all a process that has to be done by everybody!

Answer 3

I skimmed through it, its not intresting really... but then again im into that whole .. fantasy or whatever stuff.. im into harrypotter but that wasnt too intresting and the bold letter hurt my eyes.