is his selfishness worth breaking up over?

Question

we've been together for over a yr. he has had MANY financial and legal troubles that i have bailed him out on because i have always been level-headed, successful & saved all my money rather than throwing it away on partying. he has done a complete 180 and we are truly in love.

we have officially discussed marriage and plan to get married next yr. we rarely fight unless it's major issues like his financial messes that i clean up (i am out nearly 10k). i have no major financial or mental problems that cause us problems.

BUT when iiii have some small issue or want to openly communicate a problem before it becomes a prob. he always gets defensive & it turns into an argument. for the past yr, if we ever fight because of me, it's because he never hears me out. he always calls my probs. small and not worth discussion (because he has had SUCH BIG PRobs in his life).

yes he doesn't drink, do drugs, cheat, has a good heart, would be a wonderful husband & father except if this is going

if this is going to be a continuous prob. i think one day, i will be so sick of it. i always take care of him, bring & buy him food, buy him necessary job expenses, am there to listen and help solve all his problems, provide sexually, be the perfect girl... he acknowledges this... and he is good to me. the funniest guy in the world, diligent, resilient, ambitious, wants to take care of me.... BUT If i have a problem, he doesn't want to see it, hear it, help me. i think the only thing that will get his attention is if i get cancer or something.

i am (was) so sure this was the guy i wanted to be with for the rest of my life. but it's always about him... i'm not sure how much more i can take it.

AGAIN, at the same time, he doesn't cheat, do drugs, etc. which is the feeling i get with almost all non-taken fishes out there.

lastly... i have tried communicating this. we get into a fight and i say "i always say this and you never listen". it's so ironic he tells me alwyas to talk to

in his defense, he has really changed. he works so hard for our future. he wants to provide for me, pay me back, be able to take care of my parents, etc.

my issues doesn't come up often (because again, i don't have a lot of probs. i don't cause a lot of probs.) but when a small prob. comes up.

if we break-up, i'll never ever find someone like him. he's too unique to be replicated.

90% of us are so good. it's this small 10%.

we're in our late 20's/early 30's. we are (or were?) very serious about marriage. he even asked my mom for my hand in marriage. she was reluctant but said yes.

because of the seriousness, i can't simply say i'm breaking up with you b/c you never listen to me. i dont want to be married 5 yrs from now and walk out b/c i can't take it anymore. yet i can't get him to take me serious. WHETHER my probs. are small in comparison to his. he acknowledges i am 10 times a better person than he is. i - bottom of my heart - love him.

since he won't listen to me first a first person point of view, i thought about writing "a diary" of my thoughts, that he could read. is that a good idea or should i just try again - which he wont' get unless for the first time in our 1.2 yr relationship, threaten to break-up with him. which again is too much.

Answer 1

You need to resolve this communication problem BEFORE you get married. Try couple's counseling. He needs to meet you halfway if you are going to have a successful marriage.

As far as his financial problems, that is another story. Once you are married, they will become YOUR problems whether you want to bail him out or not. This can ruin both your marriage and your life.

Good luck.

Answer 2

This may not be the answer your looking for, but this is strictly my opinion. You are totally knowledge what your BF is about, and aware of his good and bad assets. If you put your thoughts together you should weigh one against the other. Don't expect a absolute perfect marriage, because there is no such thing. A very good marriage takes a lot of work, and planning, devotion, communications, sacrificing, and love with a two sided dedication. I have always said there is no I in team. The two of you have to be a team, and think of each others needs. A one sided marriage will not work, one partner can not dominate a marriage. Both partners have to be submissive to each other. Those are the assets of a good strong marriage. Perfect, no way. There will always be something that comes up that requires some attention, that may appear one-sided sometimes. But that is where the compromising comes into play. Talk things over. If you can't communicate then you will never be able to solve challenges that come up every now and then. Your BF has a lot of good qualities which help a marraige to survive, but he lacks a lot of necessary incredients which may cause a marriage to fail. You know him, are you going to want to continue being his Mommy, or are you going to be his wife? Are you going to continue supporting him, because you love him, and he needs that financial support? Most men don't actually mature until they are in their late twenties. Women a lot sooner. Men, many of them don't want to accept responsibility for their actions, or their financial inefficiencies. The decision is yours, make it wisely, and don't ignore the facts or the figures. He may be a good guy, but is he marriage material? Can you overcome his inefficiencies? You obviously are a very strong woman, but only you can answer if he is right for you or not. Best of Luck to you both. By the way, I have been married over 52 years, and it took a lot of work on both sides to make it work. Good Luck.

Answer 3

Any selfishness is worth breaking up over, because no matter what, it will eventually break up by itself.

Selfish people should be alone. If he is not doing whatever he could to make you happy, then he is not in love. You have gotten him out of alot of problems, so why would he want to leave? He's staying for all the wrong reasons if he is disrespecting you when you have a problem. WRONG!

It's time now to act like a princess with alot of self respect, pride, dignity and value. You should be treated like gold, especially because of how you've been treating him. Do not even think of getting married! When you decide to get married to the man you love, you should be together at least 3-5 years and you should know eachother inside and out, mentally, emotionally and physically. You should be in your late 20's, early 30's in age and you should never wonder or worry about a thing. It will come naturally and believe me, I already know that it's not going to be to that guy.

Just relax and enjoy life right now, because your man has yet to come. When he does, you will thank God you didn't marry the guy you're with now. Good Luck

Answer 4

Alot of relationships and marriages end over financial problems.
Communication is very important in every relationship. If you guys decide to get married try marriage counseling. I think everyone should even if there are no problems they give great tools on how to have a successful marriage.
Maybe try approaching him in a different way or not bailing him out until he hears you out. He might be taking you the wrong way when you talk to him.

Answer 5

hmmm...well, thats a lot to answer on. first off, marriage is a lifetime commitment. are you sure you want to commit an entire lifetime to a man who refuses to listen to what you have to say? he sounds selfish in that respect, even if he isnt a drunk druggie or cheater. sometimes the worst relationships arent based on major problems, but petty ones.
it sounds like you are two different people trying to make a go at a relationship. I dont suggest marriage yet. If you two truly love each ther, then talk to each other and try to remember why you got together in the first place. ask him why he feels like your problems are not worth discussing, it may just be that he is a guy and has no idea how to give you good advice. i mean you said you have been taking care fo him for so long that you bear most of the financial burden in the relationship. maybe he feels inadequate that you can do what he has been unable to do with his finances. maybe he feels intimidated trying to be the perfect man for you and feels like he is falling short. it doesnt sound like you are in a doomed relationship...but it does sound like you need some time to be sure he is the one for you. no relationship is perfect, and all couples argue...it is what makes you stronger.
The next time you two strat to argue over what he thinks is a petty problem, just tell him that you need his opinion whether it is petty or not becuase you value his imput. try not to make it into a screaming match, but a debate of opinions. so he doesnt agree...that doesnt make him a bad guy, jsut someone who doesnt see eye to eye with you. sounds like you two need a weekend away for stress relief. no discussions on bills or anything else you two bicker over. just get back to the fun of being with each other, and when the time is right, you will both feel ready for marriage.

Answer 6

Forget this guy. He has no respect for you, if he continually gets back into financial trouble after you have helped him out. You have set the bar way high and will have to keep it there to avoid him thinking that you have stopped caring for, or loving him.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life having to pour money into a bottomless pit? Maybe you own a secret goldmine that you haven't mentioned.
He is right in one respect. Your problems are small (in relation to his). You shouldn't break up over his not listening when he has a lot bigger problems than that.

Answer 7

hi...

i have an ex boyfriend who has a lot of financial problems.. well, he wanted a woman in his life to "take care of" him.... do i look like his mom? NO!

did i bail him out? NO! i didn't cause his financial mess, and i wasn't about to straighten it out.

he also turned out to be a liar and control freak... and he always had to be right. it didnt matter what i was doing, it wasn't "right".

your boyfriend seems to have some issues when it comes to open discussion.. maybe he wants CONTROL of the situation or maybe he feels as if you are blaming him for whatever the problems might be? i don't know.

i would no sooner give a man 10K than fly to the moon, love or not.

where did all the REAL MEN go? Mars?

Answer 8

Although he sounds like a good guy, he might be better as a friend rather than a partner. Communication is a HUGE issue and if you cannot talk openly with someone, the relationship as bound to fail. I know someone who had a similar situation and they ended up breaking up. But I do not know the specifics of your situation. You two may totally be meant for each other and these problems might be temporary.

Answer 9

He discounts and dismisses your problems - that is a way of saying you are not important.

Don't live your life bailing out other people. If you break up, he'll find another woman with her head together to hold him up out of the water. He's a baby who wants a mommie. His babyness is also reflected in his unwillingness to treat your problems seriously.

Not willing to discuss things is a major problem. If you can't even talk about stuff, how can you have a marriage & raise kids together?

Is his selfishness worth staying together for?

Answer 10

I think that every relationship has its problems and meltdowns from time to time. Men do not like confrontation with their woman(no matter what they may say). i noticed that you used the words.."always" "never" and such. if you are using those words with him, it may be causing the defense on his part. Try saying things like.."when you__ I feel__".; He may accept with you are wanting to say a whole lot better.
As far as breaking up???..NO! every one fights and as long as you love each other I do not know why you would want to leave, unless you are looking for a reason.