Ok, so my husband and I are raising our six kids (two of which are his by his late wife) and we of course have lots of expenses as you can imagine. We actually own two houses right now and are desperately trying to sell his house where he lived before we were married. He has a 22yr old step daughter that is his late wife's daughter living there and she pays for NOTHING. No rent, utilities, phone, calbe....you get the point. My husband just lets her free load she has been there six months and the house is not selling. Realtor says we need it empty and fix it up, but my husband feels like the bad guy and meanwhile I am working everyday to pay the bills for that house and feel like I am working for her to sit on her rear and live off us....am I being selfish here or is my husband being a sissy? I think he should tell her it's time to move and quit sponging off us, we have six minor children to care for here, what do you guys think?
2007-09-28 08:57:59 · 20 answers · asked by LilSunbeam 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I think you two should have talked about it and RESOLVED it before you got married !!!!!
Since that was not done - she (the step-daughter) needs to either pay rent or move out.
I know she's lost her mother (and her dad is now remarried), but 22 its time to stand on her own feet. While he might view it as "heling her out" - in the long run her is actually handicapping her towards being a dependent adult.
She needs to learn how to take care of herself, work for herself, and pay her own way. Otherwise - she'll either mooch off you guys for as long as possible, or worse she'll throw herself at the first guy that shows ANY sign of interest and trap herself in a dependent wife relationship and hope that the guy doesn't ever leave her because she will have NEVER learned how to be a responsible adult.
You and your hubby need to havea talk, then the two of you should speak about this to her as a united front. Tell her you'll help as much as you can, but the days of the free-ride are coming to an end and she either starts paying rent, or moves. Better yet - if you need to fix up the house, why not let her stay there for a reduced rent, provided she do some fixing-up and keeps the curb appeal going ????
It would help to "stage" the house for potential buyers, and give her a sense of accomplishment - not to mention help her with ther work ethic. It could be a win-win.
Best of luck ....
2007-09-28 09:10:07 · answer #1 · answered by aa889d 5 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Sometimes I think that men try to compensate for the lack of a parent being there. He may feel that if her mother were alive she'd be able to live there and rationalizing that the daughter is going through some ruff times. Maybe suggest that she move into an apt that you guys pay half for-hey, half the rent is better than the whole morgtage on the house-but she has to get a job and pay half too. Maybe she should look into joining the military-she'll have a place to live and a pay check while gaining self respect and job skills. But I think that your husband thinks that he's helping her even though he's probably just enabling her.
2007-09-28 09:37:30 · answer #2 · answered by girly 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Instead of kicking her out - why not make her do all the cleaning up ... if she's living there - she should take some responsibility - the house can be lived in and still sale - but it sounds like she ( you & your husband too ) need to clean the house up ... give her a list of chores & yard work to be done everyday, once a week or whatever is good for you & your husband - or let her move back home while you all ( as a family ) fix the other house up ... I'm sure your house is hectict already with 6 kids ... but both of you need stand your ground and do something ... good luck ... get that house sold ... !
2007-09-28 09:06:07 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I do believe your attitude towards your husband's step daughter should lighten up. Your husband probably feels obligated to let her live in the house since her mother died. You could be a little more supportive of that. Imagine if you died and your husband remarried and his new wife wanted your kids out. But I do believe that she should pay for some expenses since she is an adult. If the house needs fixed up to sell, then ask her if she could help with things, though the house should have been in good condition before you put it on the market. So my opinion is to allow her to stay in the house as long as she can contribute towards things. The house doesn't need to be emptied to show, but it does need to look presentable and this is where she can help.
2007-09-28 11:40:42 · answer #4 · answered by 2Beagles 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
All I can say is be careful. If you make the husband choose between you and his stepdaughter...it might end up costing you your marriage and to boot will make you look really bad in front of a family court judge. Talk to your husband about the stepdaughter and don't dictate what he is going to do and how. I would suggest to him that maybe she should either work full time or go to school full time and work very part time.
It isn't the stepdaughters fault that you and your husband bought a house without having the other one sold...which you should have known better to do in a bad housing market. You have alot of hostility towards the stepdaughter which makes me to believe that you might be jealous. I think you and the stepdaughter should see a therapist together.
2007-09-28 09:55:06 · answer #5 · answered by southernbelle 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Okay...here's an example for your hubby:
My daughter (will be 22 in November), has worked since she was 16. She has had 3 years of college, is married, is in business for herself, and between her & her husband, they are making as much as my husband and I after only 2 years of marriage.
Suggest to you husband, she is NOT a baby, and can and should be making her own way. She is freeloading, and as long as you let her, she'll be a thorn in your side and in your marriage. I would put her on notice to find a job, get an apartment of her own, and get the heck out of Dodge! Give her a deadline. Since this is a stepdaughter, he has no legal obligation to her, and if she's not willing to help herself, she's not ever going to amount to much unless you get her up off her fanny before she gets any older and more dependent on yours & hubby's generosity.
Helping someone is one thing...this has gone beyond helping. It's now enabling. This will NOT help her amount to anything in life. It will only make her think the world owes her a living.
Good Luck!
2007-09-28 09:47:27 · answer #6 · answered by Barbi T 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If it is a financial strain to pay the bills then don't. Cancel them all those services. That gives this girl two options. Leave to find better housing (one with power, toilets, cable, etc.) or make this housing better. Or make this better housing by calling and getting (back) power, toilets and cable.
She is frikkin 22 years old and your husband is enabling her to mooch! If he loves her, then tell him it is a good time to teach her that you work for things you want. What is he teaching her right now?
Heck, you are not throwing her out on the street tomorrow but the house is somewhat livable without those things and that will save you some money.
2007-09-28 09:11:57 · answer #7 · answered by Sway 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is very noble of your husband to be a caring parental figure, but he is enabling her. He is not really helping her. Tell her to enroll in community college and move in with some room mates. 22 is beyond the age when we need to start growing up
a 30 hour work week and a four course load at college is far from overwhelming and should supply enough money to sustain herself.
Tell her to work nights in a restaurant while she is going to school during the day. She can make a decent living off tips, learn patience and time management skills, and build a network of relationships and contacts.
2007-09-28 09:03:49 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Some of the younger crowd will look at this like whoa but I had to start paying my parents rent when I was 17, due to the fact that I graduated early and personally I'm glad, it taught me to be responsible with money and learn to pay who I owed first.
In my opinion 22 is way too old to be home free loading, which is what she's doing. Tell her that she has 30 days to move out, that will at least maybe startle her into doing something for herself.
I feel for you...Good luck!
2007-09-28 09:15:50 · answer #9 · answered by Ms. M 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Is the step daughter included in the 6 children? If not, then I think thats pretty rude. She may be his step-daughter but he obviously loves her as his own. Is she working? If she is working then you will need to ask her to pay you some board. She needs to know about the cost of living and her living and paying for nothing is not teaching her anything. You can be nice about it. She is not a baby and you need to tell her you want her to pay a certain amount of board each week. Sounds to me that you dont like this particular daughter very much. Have a heart. This girl lost her mother and she considers your husband her father. Dont split his children up just because you consider a step-daughter is not his daughter. Yes, she should be responsible and pay board.. Just keep in mind that she is his daughter whether he is related by blood or not.
2007-09-28 09:09:23 · answer #10 · answered by rightio 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋