A few days ago I got an email from our Anti-virus service informing me of activity on our computer. They provided me with a list of all of these pornographic websites. Apparently, my fiance has been going on porn sites in the middle of the night. And not just some pics of nude women....like videos of wild stuff.
I was soooo hurt! Our wedding is in 3 weeks. I told him I wanted to call it off. He apologized and told me that he would never do it again and he didn't realize how bad it would hurt me. But I don't think that's good enough.... I feel so disrespected! Am I overreacting? I am really struggling with this. I love him so much, but this is just not acceptable behavior to me.
2007-09-28 08:47:18 · 41 answers · asked by Keely L 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
How can it not be about me? He obviously doesn't have enough respect for me! And that "Men are Visual" stuff is crap. So what if "Woman are Physical", is it okay for me to sleep with other men. No. It's ridiculous.
2007-09-28 09:04:43 · update #1
Recipe for disaster: "I told him I wanted to call it off. He apologized and told me that he would never do it again."
In other words, he made a promise under duress. I believe that such promises should bear as much validity as criminal confessions signed under police torture: none.
If you still want to get married, the only viable option I can see is for you to apologize for overreacting and inform your fiance that you release him from his promise. Get over your irrational thoughts and accept that porn in no way harms you.
2007-09-28 08:57:33 · answer #1 · answered by Happy-2 5 · 4⤊ 7⤋
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2016-07-17 09:18:51 · answer #2 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Despite what has been said here - ALL MEN DO NOT LOOK AT PORN!!! Some people do, but as someone already said it is an addition, and also towards the bottom of the "moral" list. Probably more men do that then women, but that still does not make it right. I'd suggest talking to someone or get counseling before you get married. That is something he is doing that is very much a problem. You would not want to raise children in that environment!
2007-09-28 14:05:28 · answer #3 · answered by Paul A 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Keely,
first let me say the best to you and your forth coming marriage. Second, at this juncture it is important for you to consider the consequences of calling off the marriage because of this. It is either way YOUR CHOICE. If it was important enough for you to post here in this forum then obviously this is something that could be above "innocent" viewing.
Do you think your fiance could be addicted to this stuff? A question worth asking only because of the description you provided in the question and additional details. You deserve to have a husband committed to you. Does watching porn equate with the actual physical act of being with another person in your view? Some would say that there is no physical cheating therefore no cheating. However, each person has to interpret this for themselves.
Simply, be willing to have a heart to heart with your fiance - give him your ears and your voice. It is (in my view) quite possible that you scared the crap out of him and he may have been "scared straight" on this matter. However, I do agree with "Just Wondering" that if he hasn't been "scared" by his actions on this then he will simply find a way to be more discreet. Can you live with this? Always questioning the possibility later?
I for one really hope this all works out for you both.
Best of luck!
Gerry
2007-09-28 15:12:19 · answer #4 · answered by Gerry 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If a put a quarter in a jar each time I see that questions I would have some good change. It is the guy watching porn and the woman make it out to be all about themselves. How can he do that, disrespectful, I feel ugly and so forth. Listen bottom line is get use to the idea, your fiance/husband will always watch porn, you will never know until he gets caught again.
It's something in a man's nature to do it, you can't stop him. Women might read a romance novel which has sexual stuff written in it (some are very explicit) and they get turned on reading it. Just like that men watch porn. The sooner you get over it the better your marriage will be. A piece of advice, don't ever compare yourself to the women in the porn, just think about it, they get paid to look that good and have fake boobs. Sadly it is a profession. Join him watch the porn, it has naked guys in it.
Addition:
In response to your additional post. You are mixing oranges and apples, there is a big different between being physical and visual. And btw women are emotional not physical. Infact this guy or any guy should not marry a controlling, blowing out of propostion person like you.
Insteading of talking (communicating) and reasoning (compromising) with him, which are basis of a strong marriage, you threaten him. A good start of a wonderful life together GREAT! Don't be surprised if you find yourself divorce in a few years. Find yourself a henpecked guy, thats the only way you will survive a marraige
2007-09-28 09:05:15 · answer #5 · answered by jimmy.parker06 5 · 2⤊ 4⤋
This is something to be addressed, because the 900 numbers do cost money. Masturbation is quite normal in men -- he's not "cheating" on you, he's not sleeping with other women. But it is out of hand. He has an addiction. It's interfering with his social life. This does need to be addressed.
2016-04-06 05:36:27 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are this upset about it, you need to seriously reconsider the marriage and have some lengthy conversations with him. I agree with many of the answers on here that say his habit is unlikely to change, even if he has "promised" you.
The issue isn't "men are visual" or "it's harmless" or "at least he's not doing anything".... the fact about porn is that he is having a sexual relationship with something (the movie, the actors, the images) other than the person he is in a committed relationship with. Not only this, but pornography is geared toward men and promote the belief that sex is meant for men's pleasure and women are meant only for their physical use for sex. This is not healthy and watching these images over and over does educate the viewer that these types of attitudes are acceptable and okay. They aren't okay. People think it is no big deal because technology these days allows us access to view absolutely anything. We can even watch people being killed on the internet. This availability of images is desensitizing and creates a false sense of reality.
For those of you who have no problem with porn, that's fine, you can keep kidding yourselves. But for myself and my future spouse, and for the asker of this question, we correctly view porn as something damaging and wrong and should not have to tolerate it infecting our lives.
2007-09-28 10:01:03 · answer #7 · answered by Sarah 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I was in a similar situation with my now EX husband. I found out about his porn addiction when I was pregnant with our second child. As the years progressed, it ended up not only being porn, it was drinking, gambling and I found women's panties in his suitcase. He traveled for a living. Porn like other addictions escalate. I found his underwear under his car seat with body fluids on them. Who drives around with their underwear under their car seat? Yes, SOME guys look at porn but don't let people tell you it is natural. I let my friends talk me into that. There are guys out there with higher morals and don't.
Don't let a wedding in 3 weeks make you turn the other cheek. The MARRIAGE is more important than the wedding. Maybe this is a sign not to marry him, at least not now. You may want to postpone the wedding until you get more answers. GOOD LUCK!
2007-09-28 09:40:22 · answer #8 · answered by Dani Bosco 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋
I find porn offensive...but lots of people don't...if both partners don't have a problem with porn...I say more power to you...the problem arises when the porn watcher (usually the male) doesn't respect his partner's feelings and will continue to indulge in this activity anyways. I saw an article just recently about the increase of women getting addicted to porn...Lots of people will tell you there is nothing wrong with porn and all men watch it...but my husband doesn't...He use to before we go together..but he respects my feelings and has no desire for it.....just do a little research on the effects of pornography on marriages.....and don't listen to those that say it is harmless and that he is at least not out getting it from someone else. Lots of people are quick to say that it is cheating if it is something that you wouldn't want your spouse to know about...so for those that say this....would you consider it cheating?
I agree with the lady below me...women are also wired to be emotional....and some of you men put us down for being emotional!
2007-09-28 09:03:53 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 1⤋
You correct it's not acceptable men are visual and "what's worng with a little porn" is a bunch of BS! porn is a lust issue. I'd get some pre marriage counseling and take it from there. Don't let anyone try to change your mind on what you believe is wrong.
2007-09-28 11:11:52 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
I know that some people say that guys watch porn & always will there is nothing you can do about that. That ridicuous! Its just the fact that he hurt you & is not willing to give up one thing just to make you happy & make your relationship succeed. Porn might make sex a little better but it wont make a happy marriage or a marriage last. I hope yall both make the right decision. Good Luck :)
2007-09-28 09:52:36 · answer #11 · answered by She is Beautiful! 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋