Only serious answers please, Insecurities about Beauty....?

Question

Long story.... but basically, my husband and I are both Christians and have pretty high standards about lust, he's had a history with porn, and ended up doing it again during our marriage, several times, and lying to my face about it. It wasn't the porn that was the biggest issue with me, but the lying.

Anyway, fast forward a few months, we've talked about this a lot, and I wanted to know what qualities he thought were more beautiful than me.... He said, smaller boobs (weird, huh?), bigger butt, darker eyes, and bigger lips....

Now, I am confident in my looks, I know that I'm attractive... but I am not confident in the way my husband views me. He says that he considers other women more beautiful, yeah, okay, I get that. Of course other women ar e more beautiful than me... but the fact that he has certain qualities that he considers more "beautiful" is upsetting.

It makes me so insecure, that I feel like I lost that spark we had in the beginning of our relationship. HELP!

Answer 1

just tell him not to voice that.
tell him your insecurities and see what he says

it doesnt really matter what he finds more beautiful, what matters is how he feels about you as a person

Answer 2

First of all I think your husband is rude and he should not voice things like that if that is his thought. He should think you are the most beautiful woman because you are his wife. I think he has been watching way to much porn and that has changed him a little. Watching porn when your married there is nothing wrong with that it is just that he should not be voicing that other women are more attractive or what about them are. He should love you for you and think you are beautiful for the way you look! A christian man would not act this way, he would not talk to his wife that way. I am sorry to diss on your husband I just do not agree with that, I am a christian woman and I know how I was raised and it was not like that. Sorry Hun but you need to tell him he needs to know how you feel at the same time and maybe he does not know how much this is bothering you. Talk to him about it and say how you are confident about how you look but not confident in how he views you and that is important. Maybe go and see someone where you both can talk it out.

Answer 3

Forgive me, but I think it was very unwise to ask your husband the question why he found other women more attractive than you. Nor was your husband's (probably honest) reply very wise. But okay, the damage has been done. Now you need to rebuild confidence and trust. First, I am sure that you have many qualities that your husband regards as more important than the size of your boobs or butt. Second, if he did not find you physically attractive the way you are he would not have married you. Third, all men (okay, 99%) have sexual fantasies that are not fulfilled by their r/l partner, nor do they have to be. That is why the porn industry makes billions. I know you disapprove, but it is a fact. If you can accept that fact it may be easier for you to realize that your man loves you and enjoys sex with you, and still sometimes escapes to those fantasy ladies. My advice boils down to: let him. It will do more harm to your marriage to make a tragedy out of it.

Answer 4

First of all, you should never, ever ask your husband if he thinks that other women are more beautiful than you or the qualities that he finds in other women that are more beautiful than you. You should've asked what women he thought were beautiful, But NOT more beautiful than you. You see my point? It makes a woman insecure, such as you are now feeling. Now what you need to ask him is what he LOVES about you, your physical beauty as well as your internal beauty. You should also realize that if he is with you it is because he picked you to be his wife, you must have something very, very special that no one else seemed to have.

If you want that Spark again, then I suggest that you pick a night to make it special for you and him. Buy some candles, set the mood with music, maybe dinner and some dessert. Buy an outfit at a lingerie store (it doesn't have to be raunchy, considering your Christian beliefs) just a nice little lacy nightgown that you can absolutely feel beautiful in. Do your hair all nice and pretty and wear some makeup. I gurantee that your husband will fall in love with you all over again.

Don't be insecure, like I said he picked you for some reason. Don't compare yourself to other women, because there are many out there and each one of them is individual and unique. I don't believe that any one is more beautiful than the next. WE are all beautiful in our own ways.

Answer 5

I find it odd that he has to sneak to view porn if it isn't upsetting to you to begin with. With the insecurities you state you now have (Over porn stars) he will never have a relationship with, you have to ask yourself why you yourself are lacking in self-esteem enough to even ask him what qualities he would think are more beautiful than yours?
Beauty is only skin deep, and as many people can attest, the most beautiful person can become ugly with a horrid personality and the ugliest can become prettier by the moment with a great one.
I think it was a bit mean of your husband to list off all these qualities he prefers in other women - however, HE DID MARRY you, so you must have something he's attracted to - concentrate on those areas and not at unperceived faults.

Answer 6

I'm not sure what your question is....but, it sounds like your husband is interested in fantasy not necessarily "looks." A person becomes attractive or unattractive once you really get to know someone; your husband is looking at porn which clearly bothers you.
I think the first question you ask yourself is why does it bother you? And, is there a way for you to participate in it with possibly watching some softer port with him?
People who watch porn are usually interested in fantasy - the fantasy of the easy, quick, unhibited sex. It's not real and when people actually engage in it, it usually ruins the fantasy.
I think your lack of confidence in the way your husband looks at you is coming from the fact that you might feel your husband has a sex life outside of your marriage. The question then is how do you two come to an agreement where you both get what you want.

Answer 7

Oh of course men think other women are more beautiful that's because they can't have them. That's what it comes down to it. There is a reason you two got married. Ask him that why did he marry you. There has to be good things about it. I'm sure he was attractive to you in some way. Why do women always want to hear the negative if you ask a negative question what do you think you will get back in response. A negative answer so start positive and work from there. I bet you will hear more of what you want to hear. It's not what the outer shell looks like but what really counts is what's inside. That's the true you!

Answer 8

what's the point in mentioning that you are a christian? i don't get that part.

on to porn. if porn is not a problem, watch some with him. what's that? you would never do that? oh so maybe porn *is* a problem. so your first issue is for *you* to, for a minute, set aside the religious stuff and just decide what you as a person consider ethical and acceptable and right. not what some preacher who is most likely banging the church secretary or the choir boys (because let's face it, tons of them do) tells you to think. one last thing - stop making him promise to "never to watch porn again." that will never happen. guys who like porn never stop liking it. if that bugs you, then it's a deal-breaker. dump him.

anyway, now on to your other issue.

many men have a "list" in their heads of certain body parts and personality traits we like and how we like them. what? you don't have a list in your head of the "perfect guy"? come on, even trusting jesus won't believe *that* lie. of course you do. does your husband fulfill your entire list? be honest. of course not.

just because you are close to filling out the list and not spot on it doesn't mean anything.

where he messed up was talking about his list. women never need to know the list or how close they are to fulfilling the list. he's an idiot for mentioning his list. nor should women ever hear what we think about when we masturbate. that information is top secret. if you beg him to tell you and he does, don't be surprised by the answers.

i would not worry. but you will never get over knowing you don't fulfill the list, will you? it hurts - which is why he never should have brought it up. is he stupid, or drunk, or 9?

the only way out -- a bit -- is to tell him not to worry - he doesn't fill out your list, either.

Answer 9

Physical attractiveness is something that we get used to over time. This is just as true with women as it is for men, but for women the physical side of it isn't as important. We get used to what we're looking at as the "standard", and you are his standard now. Given that, it's an unfortunate side effect that pleasant deviations from the standard can make someone else seem more attractive, even if there are other unpleasant deviations that the viewer is overlooking. If he were to spend a lot of time with that other person, the same effect would take place and he would notice YOUR attractive features more. Unfortunately, that isn't a viable solution for a relationship.

The secret to dealing with this is to remember that you're in the relationship for more reasons than looks. At least I hope you are. When I find another woman attractive, I usually only have to converse with her for a few minutes to remember why I married my current wife. Physical attraction is fleeting, and we so easily stop appreciating that which we already have, but emotional and intellectual interaction is continual and self-refreshing.

As for the porn thing, expecting a guy to stop looking at other women is like expecting someone to stop eating. Our hormones just aren't made for that. The guys who stopped looking were the guys who didn't get their genetics passed on ages ago, end of story. The important part isn't the looking, it's the acting. As long as he gives nobody a reason to doubt his devotion to you (besides you, and you're just as genetically geared to doubt as he is to look), then he's doing a great job.

Here's something that you might try to test the "different=better" hypothesis. Change your makeup and hair color, wear something you wouldn't normally wear. You'll likely find his attraction to you jump significantly. Different isn't maintainable, though, and he'll get used to anything over time. Just remember to keep the emotional part going.

Answer 10

I would tell this guy right off. I know that you 2 are married and probably love each other deeply. And yes some women are prettier than others. Your husband should not be telling you that. Husbands are supposed to comfort their wife and tell them that they are more beautiful than anyone. And all of us women know they are lying but its the effort that counts. Never be insecure about yourself. God gave you your life and the way you look is the way you look, no one can change that. I believe every woman is beautiful in their own way, big, small, average, short, tall doesnt matter! Guys are just idiots! They want the perfect trophy wife, but what really matters is the beauty inside

Answer 11

You have a serious problem with asking questions to which you don't want to know the answer. When you asked him about porn, he lied, knowing the answer you wanted to hear, and you got mad that he lied. So this time, he told you the truth, and now you're mad that he told the truth. Poor guy can't win! Look, humans are fallible. God recognized this, which is why he presented us with a plan for forgiveness. Your husband's sins are between him and God, not between him and you. Let God deal with the lust issue -- you stay out of it. See, God can handle your husband's lustful thoughts, but you can't, so stop trying to do God's work.

Later edit: I'm sure I got the thumbs down from one of these people who are jumping in to tell you this is all your husband's fault. However, you are obviously sending your husband mixed messages about when he should and should not tell you the truth. I think you would do best to stop ever asking any question to which the answer might hurt you. Don't ask him who's beautiful nor if he looks at porn. In these cases, what you don't know truly can NOT hurt you. It is telling that in each of the two cases in which you asked him questions, one about porn, the other about beauty, your hurt came when you learned the truth. So stop asking!