please regard this question with some level of maturity cause it is not a question to be answered by some 16 yr old without any expirience.
i live with my fiancee, before the move, we did have sex rather often though most the time i initiated. sometimes she was into it, other times, a bit like a chore, but she would get some enjoyment out of it.
we've been together for 6 yrs, and over the last 8 months have bought a house together to display some sort of real commitment between us. in that 6 yrs, i never cheated, but i got caught twice doing some online flirting on some free websites...she never did any of that. but i have felt we have moved passed that all.
now that we share a house, i have done all that i can reasonably do to do my part in cleaning and taking care of things, she does some too. she just started a stressful job, i have had one for 6 yrs.
i have endless passion for her, she has absolutely non for me. sex almost never happens, and when it does, its horrible
2007-09-28 06:56:16 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
she says she is always tired, so last night i made a point of getting her to go into the bedroom 15 minutes before she usually does, just so that there would be a lowly 15 minutes of possible interaction...
but it was terrible, no eye contact, no kissing...just pull the panties down get myself revved up and do the deed...just so NOT like i was hoping things would go...
how on earth can i bring somekind of respectability and passion into the bedroom...kinda doesnt matter wether its the weekend, the weekday, the morning...she has turned sexless...i am getting to the end of my rope here. how can this be fixed. i love her deeply, always thought that her and i would go the distance and yet nothing...
we have talked about it, and she says how unsexual she feels, not jst towards me, but just sex in general...is there any help out there?
2007-09-28 07:00:08 · update #1
Just so you know I'm 29 and in a failing marriage right now so I think I have some experience with which to answer your question. :-)
Honestly, it sounds to me like she's checked out. I really don't think the online flirting episodes are what caused this. If it was, I don't think she would have bought the house with you. It sounds like you're doing your part around the house and are trying to improve the situation. If I remember correctly in your add'l information you said you've talked to her about this and she says it's not you. The only options I can see are 1. therapy, 2. talking to her about it again or 3. deciding when to draw the line and end things. You obviously aren't getting what you need out of the relationship and if you give her plenty of chances to help you with that and she doesn't, I think there comes a point when you've got to decide what's best for you. It'll be a hard situation to deal with and I wish you the best of luck.
2007-09-28 07:05:29 · answer #1 · answered by Kiwi 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I don't think that all the past stuff has much to do with what you are experiencing right now based on what she told you about feeling non sexual.
Just like guys have problems in that department when they are stressed out with work, so do women. I understand that you say you have been in a stressful job for 6 years but I doubt that every day was really bad. If it was you wouldn't be there still. So perhaps the adjustment to the new job along with questioning whether or not she made the right career choice is weighing heavily on her mind and therefore there is just no room in her mind right now for that.
Stress is a tough thing and it affects everyone in similiar ways so hang in there it should pass sounds like a lot is going on right now for you too and that may be compounding her stress. Do you think she is worried tha because you just bought a house and her job is stressful she feels trapped in that position because of the new financial obligations? Try talking to her and see if you can talk through some of the stress.
Good luck
2007-09-28 07:44:31 · answer #2 · answered by karenlanea2 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In my experience, when there is no sex drive, there is another reason - not necessarily you or her interest in the relationship. You may not like the answer, but it may just take patience on your part to help her to determine what is going on. Often it can be a medical issue or something psychological going on that you aren't aware of. You also mentioned that you bought a house and she started a new stressful job. Sex for most women is a mental thing more than a physical one. If she has a lot on her mind, she's not going to be meeting you at the door for a quickie if you know what I mean.
My husband and I read a book once and I'm sorry I don't know the name of it. It talked about spending time arrousing the other partner without the expectation of sex and how it can really jump start your partner's sex drive. Kissing, holding, massaging, carressing...just make sure she knows you are there for her needs as much as she's been there for yours and that there are no expectations.
Some women just aren't that interested in sex, so this might be a great time to explore all of the other enjoyable activities you have together - I know it's hard for a guy, but try to avoid sex for now and just focus on spending quality time together in a non-sexual way enjoying the fun of life. Sex isn't everything, and who knows, it may come back sooner than you think.
2007-09-28 07:06:11 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You know I do think you really love her and this is good. I also think that you need to understand that women are so different from men sometimes. It's not fair to you what's going on. she needs to understand this and stop being so selfish. While women are different. And women don't need sex as much as men after we have been with our parteners for a while. It is still the womens part to keep herself looking good for her friend and also try to keep a bit of the spark going in the bedroom. I feel like she is being selfish and uncaring or she may need medical attention due to the fact that your friend could be depressed, or she may have some low estergen and protestergoren levels that could stut her sex drive. you and her both need to go together and speak to a OBGYN doctor. This doctor should be able to place her on a therapy that will boost her sex drive and then you'll ask why didn't we try this a long time ago. If your friend will not go and does not want to work with you on this issure which is an important one because sex and sexual attraction is something that makes people feel close together. And when your close then everything else just falls into place. Also, you have admitted to talking to others on-line and I assume that she caught you. This can cause a lot of trust issues. You know she might think that all you want from her is sex. she might have a little resentment toward you still yet and she might need some time. And when you want sex with her then it's just wrong on your part to want her in the bedroom and when she get's in the bedroom. If you feel that she is not into the whole sex thing like you are then you really need to not go on and have sex with her at all. Put your own feelings aside. All you need to do is explain to her that you love her and your attracted to her to. So therefore you are going to want to make love to her. Then just lay there and hold her in your arms. Don't have sex with her and don't push her. You could push her away from you for good. No matter if you have a house together or not. If you can do anything right now then don't push her into feeling like she has to please you right nowin bed. Your the one that didsomething to her to lose some of her trust and this is a big issure in women's eyes to. So play it slow at winning her back. Be the true gentlemen, Act as if you could care less about sex right now untill she wants you and she will let you know to. So it probally will be ok.Just give her some time. And don't show her anything that your mad or upset or anything. Don't let her see your feelings because right now her feelings matter. You want to save this relationship right? Well then good luck to you and God Bless you to! So sorry spell check didn't work so if any words are messed up then no disrespect meant. I typed fast today. Smile.
2007-09-28 07:22:21 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think the fact that she has just started a new, stressful job most likely has a lot to do with it. You need to help her relax when she comes home, and get her in the mood. Massages and warm bubble baths work wonders. If that doesn’t work, you need to level with her. Tell her honestly that you are a man who needs to share physical pleasure with the woman he loves, that it is a very important part of the relationship to you to share that passion with her, and if she doesn’t feel the same way then you need to seriously reconsider whether or not the two of you are meant to be together. Say it kindly and gently, but clearly. If you don’t fix this situation now, before you’re even married, you are going to have one long row to hoe for the rest of your life.
2007-09-28 07:05:28 · answer #5 · answered by meagain 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
"I have done all that i can reasonably do to do my part in cleaning and taking care of things, she does some too. she just started a stressful job, i have had one for 6 yrs.
i have endless passion for her, she has absolutely non for me. " SHe may feel that you have enough passion for YOURSELF that she isnt really required. You have quite the list of how wonderful you are, and how kinda-ok she is. Of course she has no passion for you, you have enough FOR yourself. The whole " im just not into sex" thing is a nice way of saying "not into sex with YOU" . STop making sex/passion/your needs and sexual goals top priority and maybe she will warm up to you. Some sincere intimacy and respect goes a long way. good-luck.
2007-09-28 07:12:23 · answer #6 · answered by undone 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
first of all its an addiction. its like smoking. yes he knows it hurts you, but it is hard for him to stop. and with the young girls... like 16 or 5? 16 is pretty normal because they have the best bodies. beastiality? no that is just wrong. and so is child porn so if it is child porn leave him now. maybe beastiality was just something funny? no matter what, he cannot stop what he is doing or doesnt care enough to work hard to. you need to convince him that this is his last chance and you will be monitoring. if he cant go cold turkey, then you're gone. also, to help with the transitions, be a little more creative in bed? and how fit are you? make sure he is attracted to you. im not saying by any means this disgusting addiction of his is your fault, but if leaving is out of the question, being more appealing may help.
2016-05-20 23:45:16 · answer #7 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If she didn't have a huge amount of passion to begin with - what do you expect in the long term? Some people are more passionate, and some are less so - whatever the underlying reasons are, they are not easily changed. Yes, people might say - do something different, romance her, spice it up. But the reality of it is, some people just have a low drive, and "romancing" isn't gonna help in that department (it might make your overall relationship better, but it won't necessarily increase the sex drive). Even the most passionate relationship "settles down" after a few years, this is just something that happens. Sounds to me like you two have different sensual "requirements."
2007-09-28 07:05:24 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
I'm in my mid 30's and have been happily married for 7 years. I was in your situation in my 20's. It ended (not well...because he ended up cheating on me) and it was pretty bad. We had to deal with getting rid of the house, splitting everything...all of it while I was trying to deal with the fact that he left me for the town slut. Their relationship lasted 2 whole weeks. It was painful but I got over it. We both moved on.
I don't know about him but I found someone who is truly passionate about me, who is an excellent father and husband and treats me with the same level of love and respect I give him. It was worth getting out of that stale relationship in my 20's to have found someone like him.
It sounds pretty much over to me for you two. It can only go on so long without passion before someone goes elsewhere for it. And I'm not just talking about sex. Intimacy, sharing your mind and hearts desires, making a connection with someone that stimulates you...that's what has to happen in a relationship to keep both parties happy. You both deserve that kind of happiness. I couldn't imagine being without it now or settling for less just because you have history and a mortgage.
If you really love her (and yourself) let her go to and find your soul mate. Someone who looks at you with all the love and passion you deserve. It will be hard but you will get over it and when you find the right someone you'll look back and wonder why you waited so long. Good luck.
2007-09-28 07:08:26 · answer #9 · answered by sweetassgal 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
First of all, marry the poor girl. Secondly, not every person is that into sex. My husband and I don't really like it and are lucky if we bother a few times a year. If you need to be happy then let her go and find someone else but don't stay with her and wind up cheating. That is wrong.
2007-09-28 07:33:01 · answer #10 · answered by Luv2Answer 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋