Why do people become swingers?

Question

Why would men and women choose this as a lifestyle? What's appealing? And once they cross that path, can they go back to a monogamous relationship?

Respectful openness is appreciated.

PS: I don't judge the lifestyle, just want to understand it.

Please refrain from putting value into the answer and instead answer the question.

Lots of great answers. OK, so I'm trying to understand the power structure? From the responses I gather it to be an equal exchange, even if the woman is having sex with multiple men in front of her husband? I guess my mind defaults it to the woman being in a powerless situation, but again, everyone is an adult, voluntarily participating...so it must be my own mental hangups.

Thank you for clarifying!

Answer 1

There are many reasons people become swingers. Maybe one or both partners have voyeuristic tendencies...porn only works so well for these people. One of the biggest thrills in the world can be watching someone you love in the act. Some people like to be watched...works the same way.
Swingers, that choose to switch partners at the same time get a thrill from the knowledge that they are doing something "naughty". They have permission, and their partner is doing the same thing, but it's still outside the realm of what is considered "good and normal" and so it becomes an adrenalin rush.
It is, for all intents and purposes a monogamous relationship. Not a single swingers couple that I know would choose a partner that their significant other did not approve. It's not like an open relationship where partners can pick people to sleep with from whatever source they see fit. However, if by monogamous, you are asking can the former swingers ever be happy with just each other, than most of the time, yes. The exception would be the voyeuristic couples since it is almost mandatory that there be someone else involved in order for that concept to work. Swinging isn't about finding better lovers (although I wouldn't disregard this idea completely...people can never truly understand other people's motivations) so much as just something different.

Look at it like this...your favorite food is lasagna. You eat lasagna every single night. After a while, you would kill for a burrito, or some soup, or even a peanut butter and jelly sandwich...but that doesn't mean that lasagna is no longer your favorite meal. You still love lasagna and want it at all possible opportunities, just not every single time.

Answer 2

How To Become A Swinger

Answer 3

I do not practice and as far as I know I haven't actually known anyone who does so outside of that one Secret Lives of Women episode that had to do with swingers this is complete speculation.

I believe for some it brings their relationship to another level and is a way to show their complete trust for that person. Others it may just make their lives more fulfilling. I think it's safe to say that people who swing enjoy sex but do not put such a strong emotional tie to it that many others in our society do.

I think there are a lot of people that try it that it doesn't work out for, it's something that would accentuate a strong relationship but if the relationship is weak or they "swing" as a way of cheating the relationship will surely crumble under the strain.

I have no doubt people can swing and become monogamous. I believe this is much easier than those who honestly didn't have the mind set or used "swinging" as a cover for cheating. But then I don't know if you could ever trust them to remain in a monogamous relationship. I feel some people may have a natural predilection towards cheating, it may be harder for those people be with only one person. Again, I think they are people who do not have such a strong emotional connection with sex, they look at more as something enjoyable and less as a symbolism of their love of another person.

Answer 4

We entered into swinging as an extension of our already great relationship and the overabundant amount of sex we were having. We both had sexual fantasies that required more than one person to fulfill, and we are both secure enough to not feel threatened by the other having these kinds of fantasies, or living them out for that matter.

So for us it was just kind of a natural progression to our relationship.

Can we go back to being sexually monogamous? I can say we've taken breaks from swinging for up to a year at a time. It's not truly a "lifestyle" but more a hobby for us as well as most swingers. And like any hobby, when life gets in the way of living it is one of the first things to get put aside until you have more time and energy to devote to it.

And yes, swinging is the great relationship equalizer. There can be no power struggle between spouses in an open relationship. If something doesn't work for either person, than it doesn't work for them as a couple.

Now this doesn't always mean that things would appear "fair" to the outside observer, such as your remark about a woman having sex with multiple men in front of her husband. That may be "fair" to them. That may be their fantasy. It's not always "you got some so I get some". Sometimes one member of a couple gets a bit more action than the other. Most swingers don't keep score, but instead are happy that their spouse is having a great time.

It really is just that simple. :-)

Answer 5

I'm not sure either... I suppose to spice things up.
I would rather not do this, but I do have a LOT more respect for Swingers than I do for Cheaters.
I'm big against lying, cheating, or stealing(compromising integrity). I don't see Swingers being against any of these principles.

Answer 6

quite a few years ago my then wife and i were invited to a party which rapidly turned into an orgy.

we were surprised at first, but only at first. the couple hosting the party had lots of strange ideas - most of them fresh and exciting: we just hadn't expected this to be one of them.

there was absolutely no pressure put on anybody to do anything. it was a remarkably good party in all the usual ways that a party is good. when we realised which way things were going my wife and i took a quick time out (we weren't the only couple to do so) and decided that we actually didn't have very strong feelings about what was happening. we were enjoying the party anyway, so we decided to stay and go with it.

later in the evening - when things had got a lot hotter - we decided that we would leave before the party hit its full swing. we weren't worried or frightened about what was going on, but we both agreed that we needed to think this through a little more before we committed.

various things happened and we lost touch with our swinger friends before they held another party. and the same opportunity never came up again. it wasn't something either of us wanted to go looking for, but i don't think it was something either of us would have avoided strenuously either.

there is a huge continuum of sexual behaviour which people are capable of. some men are shrivelled with jealousy if their wife so much as kisses an old flame drunkenly at a school reunion. other couples are sure enough of each other that sexual infidelity would be no dealbreaker for them.

i think i'm in the middle somewhere - i suspect most people are - and what level of exclusivity i expect is a mixture of what i've been brought up to, and what the people around me are doing.

i'm sure that if things had worked out just slightly differently my marriage could have stretched wider open than it in fact became. of course, we'd never have gone too far.

but 'too far' is different for everybody.

Answer 7

People enjoy having choices in life. It has to do with openness of their own relationship on every level. Most swingers I happened to meet had a very healthy relationship with their spouse. There were never any ownership issues, whining about jealousy, playing a victim. They were fully grown people open and ready to share with each other an adventurous and safe lifestyle. There was no dishonesty of any kind at any time. If anyone ever felt uncomfortable with anything they were doing, involved couple simply walked away. No questions asked. No judgment past. It was a novel experience for many people.
Me and my husband dabbled at it for a while, and it was fun while it lasted. It opened our eyes to some things we had no idea about. It was also our choice to accept it or not. We since moved on to monogamy, and are still enjoying our intimacy as we have always done. Some relationships are just THAT strong, people. I hope that was helpful in some way.

Edit: There was never at any point a situation where a woman or a man was powerless. Everyone selected their own partners in group settings. It had to be mutually agreeable for every one of them. Situation had never been threatening for anyone. Safe sex was always a must. All the limits were openly discussed prior anything intimate taking place. And sometimes people simply watched others enjoying a kinky sexual encounter. And if they felt like joining , they did just that.

Answer 8

If a couple were to do it 2-3 times, decide it was fun, an d then move on with their lives... Are they swingers? ..

Answer 9

RE:
Why do people become swingers?
Why would men and women choose this as a lifestyle? What's appealing? And once they cross that path, can they go back to a monogamous relationship?

Respectful openness is appreciated.

PS: I don't judge the lifestyle, just want to understand it.

Answer 10

Ok first let me say that swinging is one thing. There are also open marriages, and polyamory and things in between, lol.

Addressing swinging (swapping partners and/or group sex without emotional involvement):

-Some people like to watch their partners experience pleasure without needing to participate.

-Some people realize that they cannot be everythign to their partners and want to fullfill a fantasy or give their partner a chance to experience something that they cannot provide

-Some people just like variety in their sexual partners, but want to stay emotionally attached to just one person

-Some people like to play the pimp (both genders)

List goes on.

And sure you can go back to being monogamous. In fact most swingers are not "lifestylers", they just occassionally like to break out and have some unfettered fun.