I hate to end up divorced but....?

Question

Its so different when you are just dating, you just don't recognize certain things about a person. My husband and I,
lived together 3 years before getting married, today we've been together 9 yr, married 6 with 2 boys, 1 and 5. I've considered going to marriage counselling, even went together a few times alone or with him, didn't stick with it for long though, I just quickly pick up on when they don't know what they are talking about. I tried for a while to get along with my husband and although he's not a cheat, we do everything equally, taking care of the boys, housework, he doesn't drink or hang out, just work & back home, I just don't like his personality, he's disorganized, quickly angered and negative about people, he's not easygoing & everything gets to him. He's like a child at times, I have to get at him sometimes so he can get important things done, with good intentions though. Sometimes if he gets stressed out he gets hysterical or have tantrums like a baby.

He's a hard worker and very ambitious soon to start his career as a pilot, but I had to help him alot along the way. At times I feel like his mother and its such a turnoff, I wish he'll get his act together. Perhaps he needs to go to stress management class or take yoga. I told him he needs to be a better example for his boys as far as handling stress and anger better.

I work parttime, he works full, but I work two 12 hour shifts, long day. Yesterday he called me at work, right before taking the 5 yr old to school, He was hysterical, " I can't find his homework, Oh my God, Oh my God. I told him to calm down and guided him. Its such a turnoff. He's such a drama queen. When he acts like this me and the boys just look at him.....it really angers me. Its really a bad example for the boys.

Sleepy, he wasn't the same, you idiot, he changed.

Vmaxer85- you made an excellent point, he wasn't always like this I guess he is trying so hard right now, since he now has a wife and children and its putting alot of stress on him. I think he feels the pressure of living up to me too, I am a pharmacist, but he's doing well too soon to start his pilot career.

Sunsetts and Vmaxer... excellent answers.....Thank you!! I guess I'll try to look at things differently.

Nancy M...No, my husband gets over things very quickly...He'll be mad one minute and before you know it he gets over it..which is good...my fault is that I stay mad longer.

Movie-mom.. you're very nice...thank you very much I guess I'll try to be more patient and work it out.

Answer 1

Hi, Have you ever considered that maybe he has tried to live up to expectations that he is getting tired of trying to do. I have seen people like this alot. Not that everyone else is giving these to him,its more that in his mind he is insecure of his own image to everyone else and keeps thinking he needs to be or become something in order to get respect. So in turn at times he feels overloaded and then acts like he don't care and kinda gets lazy as if to attempt to give up as though he is thinking people think bad of him.
You see, alot of people have a complex that causes alot of the symptoms you are explaining like especially the anger and tantrums and the way he puts people down.They do this because of how insecure they truly are in their own mind about themselves.
I say if you do love him you Will try a different approach before giving up. Try to say as much good as you can to him, tell him you are proud of him .And when you want to tell him to clean up or try harder at something you must give a positive before the negative. I know it isn't easy to live with someone of this nature But sometimes we can help others to change the things in side they themselves wish they could but feel hopeless on their own to do so. Its a bad habit that's got a hold on him. Give it a shot and it just might start to change.It will take time but so does anything worth it.
Good Luck!

Answer 2

I am married to a man who sounds like your husband and I also get fed up with him. He will get mad over the most stupid things and stay mad for sometimes 2-3 days at a time. He is almost impossible to live with at times. My husband also can be the biggest baby and wants me to baby him. There is no way that I will ever baby a grown man. If only I had a job then I would probably just leave. What I do is just stay as far away from him as I can and if that means leaving the room then leave the room. I try not to say too much because my husband usually gets worse if I say anything to him.

Answer 3

You lived with this for 3 years before you married him so you got married knowing what he was like. Marriage counselors try to open up the lines of communication between two people and it doesn't sound like you gave it much of a chance. If you want an easy out, go get your divorce.

Answer 4

Honestly - sounds like a normal man/husband.
Everyone has their own quirks. He seems to be a decent man - loving, hard working, family oriented.
My wife thinks that I'm a little negative as well.
It does sound like you two need more time together just to have fun. Taking care of small children is very time consuming and takes a lot out of a couple.

Answer 5

I think you two are a perfect match. You two balance each-other so it sounds :). that is a good thing. Noone's perfect right? So why not go have a massage together? Go out to dinner and enjoy eachother's company? I mean you two are great together, let's face it. Sounds to me as if you two just need time together and a bit away. Good luck. Keep smiling and balancing each other.

Answer 6

Sounds to me like a man who could be having bouts of anger due to feeling like his Wife does not understand him and this frustrates him. As it would anyone. Do you allow him to talk his feelings, etc.. to you without judgment from you? Men need there wives understanding but without all the judgment. Do you treat him with Respect? That is a Big one with Husbands as Love from our Husbands are to us Wives.
Sure don't mean to hurt your feelings but really sounds to me like a Husband who is disrespected by his Wife. Respect covers alot of area, not just a few. Just like Love covers alot of area with us wives. To put it simple- Respect to Husbands = Love to Wives. Love to Wives = Respect to Husbands. No Respect = No Love, No Love = No Respect.
Have you heard the old saying, You get what you give out?
It is True. I would not call it quits on my Marriage. Try giving some Respect to your Mate and set back and enjoy all the Love, understanding,caring, intamacy that will come from it.
Seriously, It Works and really it is just common sense but yet common sense that can be so easlily over looked or taken for granted throughout the married life. I could recommend a couple things to help if you would like. www.MarriageToday.com or (.org) Book titled, Love and Respect by Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs. They are both Christian based, Excellent material on marriage. I hope this helped you some. Do Not quit on your Marriage. Your marriage is a precious Pearl and You Can Do It!!!! Sounds like you have a great guy which may be far and few between. P.S- Having a Husband help with housework can be showing disrespect to Him, as it is our wives responsibility not there's. You do not go to his job and help him do it do you?Same thing. Theres a saying, If you don't want him, there is some other woman who will gladly take him. Best Wishes, God Bless. P.S.S- V Maxer85 is giving good manly advice. One man can understand another mans point of view, just as us women can understand another womans point of view. I would listen.

Answer 7

Do what is best for YOU.

and sometimes when therapy doesn't work out, it can be because you and that particular therapist didn't "click".... it's a free country and you can switch therapists...

therapists usually DO know what they are talking about, and it takes more than a few sessions for you to get to know each other.

those of us who say therapy doesn't "work" for them are those who are not willing to FACE their issues and make the effort and do the WORK it takes to change our lives.

and sometimes changing our lives means moving on. do what you have to do.

Answer 8

Have you tried to talking to him, I mean just you & him. A serious heart to heart. Trying getting away & open up tp him how you are really feeling. He needs to see the pain that this is causeing you.

Answer 9

There's a book called "How can I get through to you?" - it might help.
You have to find the right therapist or it won't help, they're humans too, you know.

Answer 10

did you try talking to him?...that usually helps...the reason he acts the way he acts cause your always there to protect him; no wonder he's like that; your always there for his rescue; thats why he never "Grew up"...he feels safe around you; & acts the way he does; you shouldn't always look at the negatives; try to see the positives as well...& these aren't sufficient reasons to get a divorce...i suggest you reconsider your decision.