My wife and I have been married for 10 years, together for 12. Recently, she has been distant and unemotional. She has been confrontational at the drop of a hat and rarely speaks.
Our lives have been extremely stress filled in the last 12 months. Our neice and her young child had moved in for a year. (recently moved out), I lost my job in December (denied unemployment, out of work for 4 months) and took a job making less than expected.
We don't live extravegantly, but we are comfortable. Like most, we live paycheck to paycheck (especially now) and she told me two days ago that she can continue to live like this.
We have three wonderful children under 8 that mean everything to me. She means everything to me. I have recently gone back to school to get my degree and "do what is best for the family" I made some bad decisions in our past financally & careerwise, How can I get here to stop looking at the negatives and focus on what is right and that I am doing what is best for us. !
2007-09-28 04:47:03 · 19 answers · asked by Fantasy Champ 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
This is going to sound harsh, but it is true and you need to read it. YOu fu**ed up in the past. Now she is disappointed in you, feels she cant trust you financially etc. so she is disgusted with you and doesnt even want to talk to you. That is where she is NOW. Where you are now is that you want her to just "snap out of it" and give you a gold star for doing what you should have done to begin with. This isnt first grade man, you dont get rewarded for doing what you are SUPPOSED to. She is flat out beat down from dealing with your immature attitude. The only thing that will bring her around is for you to just :" get it done" and stop acting like you deserve a parade for it.
2007-09-28 05:16:17 · answer #1 · answered by undone 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry but why are you blaming her for being distant and having a problem with the situation. How can she go "beyond past mistakes" since they are still happening? She can't look past the negative when it is hitting her in the face 24/7!
Excuse me but 3 kids under 8 is really hard. On top of that no job, extra family that she had to take care of and probably little money for anything. Does she consider your lifestyle "comfortable?" You probably don't understand what she is going through since you are busy and YOU ARE A MAN! Most men are oblivious to things that women are feeling - believe me I KNOW!
I know this response is not what you want to hear and is different that the others. However, I've been there and am currently dealing with crap. I understand what she must be feeling. You must be patient and understand that she is hurt and her feelings are important.
2007-09-28 05:00:56 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Stress is a killer. It can kill a person as well as a relationship. Your wife might feel that your going back to school, which is a good thing, might not be the best way to utilize your time right now. In any case try a counselor. Things which might be right in front of our eyes only become visible when a neutral third party points them out. It's important, of course, that both of you go, usually one then the other, then both together. If you do choose this route, the hardest thing to do is keep an open mind and (I'm NOT saying you are wrong about anything) be willing to admit that you might be doing something wrong. This goes for your wife as well. I truly wish you the very best.
2007-09-28 04:55:09 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Perhaps your wife's opinion of you changed when you didn't have a job. I do not know your family life, but if she is looking after the children and home, that is a full time job, and perhaps she resents you for not being able to provide for your family. There are things you probably don't know, like how she manages the money to buy food for you all, how she manages to get your children clothes. Unemployment has clearly stressed her out. Perhaps she thinks that you going to school is something for YOU and not the family. This means you are away from the home more, and she is looking after all the children on her own.
Perhaps it costs money to go to school and she thinks that you should be providing for the family instead of spending money on something that isn't paying off immediately.
Perhaps she is jealous that you get to go to school while she stays at home.
None of those would be my feelings, these are just possible suggestions....but you have to ask her what is up, and if you want your marriage to work, listen to her suggestions and take them seriously.
2007-09-28 05:06:42 · answer #4 · answered by fire_woman_1978 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is obviously a lot on your family plate, not the least of which is having to support 2 extra family members. She has looked to you to be the bread winner and it fell short through no fault of your own, and you're feeling inadequate. It's hard. Kudos to you for going back to school - that is VERY important and VERY hard and hopefully she is supporting you on that - invite her to attend school also (attend a class together, at least as time to be away from the pups). Not only is this time for you two to spend time together, but as homework buddies, being an example to the children (see, mom and dad are doing homework), but a way to increase your self-equity. This will not be easy, but it's the right choice. Do not limit your ideas. Both of you talk with the school counselors about career choices (it's free). Stay away from bad choices. Sit down together and make some life goals and good luck. Take her out on a date tonight, even if only for a silent walk ;)
2007-09-28 04:54:03 · answer #5 · answered by Empress Jan 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Money problems and related stress and will kill a marriage.
If your wife does not work that would help. It would appear that your children should be in school. Some schools have after school care. Younger ones could be in day care. Family may be able to help with daycare for the short term.
Also, look into moving into a cheaper apartment or house.
2007-09-28 05:06:53 · answer #6 · answered by Steve B 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hello!
I am in a similar position myself. you should be happy to know that I am on the other side of 50 ( I am 56) and have had good amount of luxury . have taken some bad decisions and have landed in a soup
the best part is everyday is brighter than the earlier day. it is always positive if you only make up your mind to look at it that way. have faith in yourself, keep a smiling face and have best of fun with your children all the time
You will soon be happier than how you were
goodluck
2007-10-02 04:44:24 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since you are doing all that you can to make life better,your wife should not be wailing on your head.If you have three kids and money is tight then she is probably tired and stressed out and harbors resentment about the past. You should do something to make her feel special. Talk about things with understanding for her. Listen to her and try to help her to feel better. Tell her how much you love her and show it. If you need a councilor you should get a church councilor because they are free and they won't milk your money and put you on meds. Love conquers all.
2007-09-28 05:05:39 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well financial problem can cause a lot of stress. That may be why she is so tempermental. I ralize that you are trying to what's best, it will just take time. You will have to show her changes. Point out the positives for her. Give her something to feel positive about. Show her how what your doing will help the family in the short and long term.
2007-09-28 05:01:42 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you already are moving in a positive direction... When a partner cannot "live like this anymore" - ask her 2 questions... 1 - what is it she wants that she does not have 2 - what does she think will resolve the situation. Let her answer... And then give her what she wants. If it is to move on - then agree & let her go. (she will be back almost immediately if she is testing you) If it is to move forward with you & she has some suggestions as to how to go about that - then listen... and agree to what she thinks will work. My best advice is to listen & pay attention. Mistakes are just that - "mistakes"... however if you learn from them, make changes to better yourself - then they are not mistakes but lessons in life!
2007-09-28 04:55:40 · answer #10 · answered by T. 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋