I think my ex-wife is boiling up some kind of abuse allegations, what can I do to protect myself?

Question

I have 50/50 custody and last night she actually spoke to me for the first time in about a year. Our daughter is not in school yet but will start soon and 50/50 will not work at that time. So, since I had her on the phone, and since this is a once a year opportunity because she does not speak to me, I decided to ask her if she would like to come to some sort of agreement rather than let the custody situation drag on and cost us both more money. As usual, she beat around the bush and did not address any of the important issues relating to custody of our daughter and instead told me that she thinks I am dangerous and I cannot be trusted with my daughter. I think that she is setting the stage for some kind of accusation, perhaps that I am abusive to my daughter in some way, but I don’t see how such an allegation could hold merit. She never speaks to me and we have not had a conversation in over two years about anything really.

We have had a few small conversations that were mainly about our daughter but did not last longer that 30 seconds to a minute, tops. If anyone was to investigate a baseless accusation of that nature they would soon realize that my relationship with my daughter is anything but abusive.
I am worried however, because I don’t know the legal system and have been screwed over before because of baseless accusations. What is the best way to protect my self and my daughter from her possible accusations?

Answer 1

No need to panic, judges aren't stupid and will most likely be able to tell the difference between a dangerous situation and a baseless claim. My ex did not make allegations but rather testified as to her concerns about my having custody of our son who was 2 at the time. I had to defend myself on a pro se basis and when she was on the stand I simply asked her if she ever had to call the police, DCFS, or any other child welfare agency and she sheepishly said no. The judge saw right through her ploy and granted me custody. So, just move ahead and be the bigger person. If she makes an accusation against you, just remain calm and handle it calmly. Think about what is best for your child in this situation too, not what is best for yourself. Best of luck to you. Hope everything works out.

Answer 2

Actually, you just keep doing what your doing, love your children and care for them. At least I know from experience in TN that when there are child abuse allegations made to the DCS the first step is a phone call to schedule an appointment to come to your home. They want to see the living conditions for you and your children (i.e, cleanliness, sleeping arrangements, food in the home, etc), they also watch the interactions between you and your children while they are there. Then they do a little question and answer with you, and check the kids for physical signs of abuse like bruises (they'll want the explanations about where any cuts or bruises came from). If the allegations were made anonymously then they'll want to know who you think made them and why. Then they go back to the office and make an assessment and write up a report. In our case the case worker told us before she left our home that she found no evidence of abuse and in fact found a loving family and well cared for children. It is so scary though that a person can make an anonymous call and turn your world upside down. Especially when I love my children more than anything and there are mothers and fathers out there that do abuse and are never punished. Good luck and God Bless!

Answer 3

She has to have some sort of proof for her allegations. If she doesn't have any then she has no case. There would have to be bruising, medical records or something of that nature for her to have a case.
You can't really do anything other than deny it and be able to prove that you are a good father.
They will be able to tell if a bruise is just a normal childhood injury or if there is abuse. I wouldn't worry about it if I were you.
As far as custody goes, start thinking about what would be best for your daughter in terms of the school year and make a proposal to your ex with it. If she doesn't seem to like it then you take the initiative and file for the modification before she does. If she does agree to it then you'll need to get it in writing with signatures and notarized for it to stand in court.

Also, you want documentation of every visit you have with her. Like the woman above said take pictures. If she comes back to your house from her mother's with bruises take pictures and document that- I don't know how crazy your ex is but I would hope that she wouldn't put bruises on your daughter just to make a case against you! If she is though- document it and get Child Services involved.

Answer 4

If you are'nt abusive to your daughter and you think that this is the way your ex-wife is going, you better contact your attourney and make sure he is pre-warned about the situation. When you do have your daughter take pictures of her when your visit starts and when your visit ends to proove there are no bruises or marks. If she doesnt have bruises or marks when you get her take pictures and log it into a journal. Keep everythign written down on record so when you do have to go to court yuo can write someting to the effect that all the statements are true and have the whole journal notarized. Not to mention a law guardian will be assigned to your daughter to evaluate both of you and ask her questions with out either of you around. If your daughter is old enough to talk (which you said she is starting school so Im sure she is) they will base alot of the case off of what she has to say. She will say Daddy doesnt hit her. But don't force this on her either just do what you normally do with her on your visits and everything should be fine.

My brother-in-law went through the same thing with his wife accusing him of beating on her and their son and he got full custody. You may have to go for mental health evaluations (which will come out of your own pocket unfortunately) but if you know your daughter is safe and learning GOOD morals and values versus whatever your ex-wife is trying to cook up in her head its all worth it isnt it?

Good Luck and God Bless.

Answer 5

I certainly understand your fear. You mentioned that you didn't talk. Do you email ot write notes? I'd email her reguarding anything. Very good documentation.

An example of how this could work for you is: a years worth of email (20 maybe?) no mention of anything remotely concerning "abuse".

You know as well as me that crying "abuse" in a VERY powerful tool and is used effectively in non abuse cases daily. You may want to discuss this with family, friends and any type of authority figure. (we can't all pay for legal help for years on end.) Basically, you at least want people to know what's going on and can vouch for you.

It sounds like she's setting you up for the school years to come. You said a change must happen with a school schedule. You, of course can get legal advice too. I wish I could help more. If she's clever she can cause a lot of problems even if you prevail agaist any false allegations.

You probably know all this but, it can't hurt to try.

Answer 6

If she has let you take your daughter all this time then the custody issue shouldnt be an issue. If she thinks or thought you were dangerous, she wouldnt have kept this up all this time right? Id contact an attorney and find out what they think. They can help you with a parenting plan and keep it inforced. Good luck...sounds like the ex might be a lil wacky!

Answer 7

You better call a lawyer then. Even though you don't talk to your ex much, maybe your daughter is saying things or the mother is reading too much into what your daughter is saying to come up with such allegations. Maybe your ex has decided she wants full custody.

Answer 8

If you are innocent like you claim then you shouldn't worry about it. Maybe your imagination is taking over your thoughts. You need proof for such accusations and your daughter is a big part of the proof. They will ask her and see how she reacts when she is around you. If this does happen get a good lawyer and good luck.

Answer 9

She would for one, have to have solid proof that these allegations against you are in fact true. There a many lawyers that do a free consultation (first visit). I recommend talking to one just to cover all bases. Another idea would be to get your ex to meet you in a neutral environment and talk face to face about the situation. Hopefully things will work out for you and your child. It's the children who get hurt the most in nasty custody battles. Good luck and hope this helps.

Answer 10

You have a very big problem on your hands my dear. The only advice i can give is try to never be alone w/ your daughter. Always have a "witness" so to speak, so if she does try to place false accusations against you , you will have a back up.I know that may be difficult but unfortunatly, x-spouses can be down right EVIL and I have seen this happen before. Make sure your home is completely child-friendly, ie. no hustler magazines laying around ect. I know this sounds harsh but you have to prepare yourself to be the better parent which I believe you already won that contest.