need some advice concerning my husband and stepdaughter...?

Question

my husband and I have been together for 4. i have a child from a previous relationship (he was a baby, now he's 4 1/2). my husband has a child from a previous relationship and she is now 15. she moved in with us about 2 1/2 yrs ago. we have loads of problems with her. she is promiscuous, talks like a contruction worker, is already failing 3 classes (school started AUG 22). she got left back last yr. but my hubby found a way to get her promoted. no matter what she does there are never any consequenses, however, let the 4 yr. old try to talk back and he's yelled at and punished. yesterday the 15 yr old slapped my 4 yr old in the face because he told her to "shhh". my first reaction is to slap her back but she's not my kid so I went to her father..who did nothing, as always. should i continue to work at this relationship or just move on?

have i gone to individual counseling, no. we were asked by a DCF worker if we would be willing to go to family counseling (the one time she was diciplined, if you could call it that) she called her maternal grandmother who called DCF. Her mom is going to be no help. She actually encourages the behavior. She's addicted to crack and prostitution to support that habit. She was just released from jail a couple of months ago. Her (the mother) and my husband have not been together for over 13 yrs. Anyway, after 2 sessions they decided to close the case (even after we asked for individual in addition to family counseling) That's the great state of Florida for you. I've tried to be involved and i've tried be uninvolved. Either way hubby is pretty much uninvolved. He basically will tell her no-no, bad girl and leave it at that. Then five minutes later she'll do something else and ignore it. We've done the wrting rules but that doesn't work because he does not make her follow them.

Answer 1

Since you are marrid to your husband and your children live in the matrimonial home, you are considered a family. As such, there should be set rules and associated punishments.

You should take the time to write out rules and expected behavior. Get all parties to agree with these. And then follow them.

The real problem here is hubbys inability to parent and discipline. You should have a long talk with him and determine why he is unable or unwilling to parent his child. What is he afraid of? What would be the consequences of putting his foot down? Since the ramifications of his poor parenting skills are effecting your current relationship (and you child), these should be dealt with as soon as possible. If you can not determine why he acts the way that he does, you should suggest that he go to therapy to figure things out.

In you question, you ask if you should continue to work on this... yet you did not mention a single thing that you are doing to solve these problems. Are you going to therapy yourself? Have you spoke with the daughter? Her mother? What course of action have you taken?

Good luck.

Answer 2

Mixed families are difficult, at best. There are always going to be struggles between step/half siblings and step child and step parent relationships because children love their parents and feel their parents are the best and the kids cannot help the way they feel, they are feelings. What they can help, with the proper training is how they react to their feelings.

I have a 15 yo son and my husband is his step father and younger than me so probably more open minded and last night he asked if he could spend the weekend with two teens I have not met and in a town 30 miles away for the weekend and go to a party with cheerleaders and sleep in the back of the kids truck. My loving husband thought teens should have the freedom to go hang out for a weekend without any adult guidance. I almost let him convince me and then a watched a commercial last night before falling asleep and drunken teens wrecked and killed other teens and nope not gonna happen and I told him so this morning. He was really upset because he has to have his social life of become a loser as he put it. He also told me that I was too hard of a disciplinarian and that I did not give him any freedom and as he walked out the door he told me he would be home after school because I said no and he loved me but he wasnt happy about it. I also told my husband I was going to do that before he went to work and he said that I was right and it was a good idea not to let him go (I dont know if that made sense as to why I used that analogy).

Kids need discipline and parents need to back each other. Crazy homes are made from far less than no discipline and unsupportive partners and parents. I know.

Answer 3

I have step children also. I am glad that they don't live with me.....the oldest is 16 and a female, she is not failing at school nor is she promiscuious. She is a chronic back talker though, she is arrogant and just terrible to be around. She is also never repremanded by my husband. My husband corrects my daughter though, it is done with love and I am glad. I think guilt sometimes gets in the way of my husbands logic with his bio children....guilt over the divorce and guilt because they have conditioned him to feel it. He has no reason to feel guilty about it though...One thing I would do is let his daughter know that under no uncertain terms is hitting allowed in MY house. I normally don't correct his children as I know it would only cause more problems, but if one of them hit my daughter, I would let them know that the next time I would call the police and file assault charges. Hitting is bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Being a step parent is the hardest job I have ever done, I find that I really have to use my adult self at all times remember that love pays off in the end and that the children can only benefit from it, I just want the payoff sooner than it is comming. Patience.

Answer 4

It sounds like you have an out of control teen and the father too. It is time to tell the hubby to get his doughtier in line. You might tell the hubby if his kid touches yours child again you will call the law. When you do this you make sure you mean it. You may even tell the hubby he can leave with his brat and don't come back. the teen hitting the young child may be able call this child abuse. You sound like a good woman

Answer 5

firstafall your husband should understand that the girl is 15 and should be some disciplined/family ettiquettes must for all when one has a 4 yr sibling...he should not be exposed to such a situation where in future he may try to adopt the same behaviour thus correct it the first time...for the betterment of the child u got to talk to yr husband and make him understand even then he does not cooperate u got to take a firm decision ...may be have rules set out..areas for living set out ...so on..seperatedoors/rooms etc....if u want to continue the relationship...be sensible and consider the life of 4yr old and decide the future course of action...god bless u

Answer 6

The step daughter is out of control and Dad needs to take control of the situation! This household needs family counseling before your marriage and every relationship in it blows up the house!! The bottom line here is that something needs to change because the way things are being done is not working for any of you. If dad does not step up to the problem with his daughter she could eventually get pregnant and bring another bundle of issues into your home for you to have to deal with. This girl is old enough to know what time it is and cannot be given the power she has in this home to be physically and emotionally abusive to anyone and allowed to set up bad examples for your son and definately needs to have consequences for her actions. I would not let this girl have the power to to destroy my relationship with her father or continue to raise her hand to your child. This problem is between you and your husband and you need to get him in the right place in therapy for someone to teach him how to do it!! When you get him there that is where you make him understand that he will pay a consequence of losing you ....if he doesn't work with his daughter......you let him know that you love him but you cannot deal with this stress any longer because you have to think about your own son and raising him in a proper invironment. I am telling you that you cannot fix this by yourselves so if it were me I would get the proper guidance and the skills to do all the right steps to end something here one way or another. Take care and good luck.

Answer 7

step children are tough especially when theres a daughter and her father. I have the same situation but I have my own son, a step son and a step daughter, everything is fine except my step daughter. She dislikes me after 8 years of her father and myself being together (5yrs married). His children live full time with mom but we see them every other weekend and sometimes more. If she lived with us full time I "probably" would have left. Trust me you will never be like her biological mother in her eyes. She will always want mom and dad together no matter what you do for her. Which I understand more or less. My suggestion to you is tell your husband he better step up to the plate or your gone. He doesn't have to take sides, but he needs to discipline this spoiled brat from running your lives and to give you a break. If you love him and she is your only problem, work on it with him. Or she wins! Its tough on kids I agree, but the biological father needs to bite the bullet its called tough love. Mine finally did, he told his daughter to give me a chance and take her bad attitude back to her mothers house. I was grateful for his support, we argued constantly about her. She is 17 yrs old now and we she is still somewhat cold towards me, but she has friends and boyfriend now so I don't see her much. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do to keep this marriage together. But I hung in there and am glad I did. Take Care and stand your ground don't ever give up YOU ARE the queen of your castle.

Answer 8

Hi... your stepdaughter has quite a lot of emotional issues which her parents are obviously IGNORING! Seems she needs guidance, direction and attention! And therapy....

Im' sure that her behavior is the direct result of her parents' divorce. she probably feels angry and/or abandoned...

If she failed last year's grade, and was promoted, she is going to fall further behind in her academics. With the emotional problems she has, she probably doesn't have the capacity to study, especially when she did poorly last year. no wonder she is failing three classes!

If you can no longer stand the situation, then do what's best for you. Your husband and his ex wife have neglected the 15 year old's emotional needs. It's quite obvious from here, and i don't even know you people.

Answer 9

I am in a similar situation. The stepdaughter is fourteen, and she isn't as bad as your stepdaughter. She isn't promiscuous or doing drugs or anything. But she is very disrespectful. My husband was angry with her last night about not answering her cell phone so that he could get in touch with her. The whole situation escalated into a shouting match! I tried to tell him to calm down and that they both should chill out before they talked anymore, but he acted like I slapped him in the face. He and her went at it again! Saying horrible things to each other. Threatening to send her back to her mother (who is abusive and psychotic). And she came back with yelling that nobody loves her and nobody wants her. And it just went on and on. Finally he calms down enough to talk to her without yelling. They had an hour long conversation, and at the end of it he realized that she was totally not listening to anything he had to say and was saying whatever he wanted to hear so he would shut up. He came to me saying he didn't know what to do, etc. I suggested (for the umpteenth time) that he implement some discipline to the girl. Show her that she has to be respectful. On top of that, I have zero authority when it comes to her. He tells her that I do have authority, and he tells me too, but when it comes down to it, I don't really count. No matter what I say, he'll let her do whatever she wants. So today, she wanted to go to a football game with her friends. I called him to see what his opinion was, hoping that he was going to take the reins here, and no...he said it was fine that she go. Not only that, but that it was his fault that she acted the way she did. WTF? To say the least, I'm pretty peaved. When I commented on his answer, his response was "I don't have time to argue with you about this right now." WTF is that?

Answer 10

You're husband better get off his dead behind and address this posthaste. No one...and I mean no one slaps a four year old in the face. This is the type of kid that before you know it shell be preganant and foaling in every men's room's stall at the drop of a hat.
Boot the worm back to her mother. If the kid won't conform who gives a damn......because its going to come down to you walking if this clown of a husband doesn't handle it. besides...he 'found' a way for her to pass? Yeah....good way of teaching responsibility to kids. Ahhh...hell.....kid's a goner anyway. You and I both know she'll turn into a junkie, a hooker, both or worse.

I feel for you...really. Start putting the screws to hubby. If he doesn't do anything then leave....let him deal with the little tart.