I dont want a baby but my wife does?

Question

I'm 32 and she is 36. Her clock is ticking. She wants a baby, but I don't. The reason is that I suffer from depression and don't feel stable enough to take on the responsibility.

She is Catholic and doesn't want to use birth control. I "hide" as much as possible. Problem is, I am perfectly fertile (I have a 10 year old from a previous marriage), so I can't hide forever.

I want to get my depression under control before trying to have another baby, but I don't want to deny her life's greatest gift either.

I told her about my depression and reluctance to have any more kids prior to getting married, my friends.

I have tried antidepressants and anti anxiety pills. The anti anxiety pill, Lexapro, made things worse. I gained weight and had these periodic hot flashes. I still have the hot flashes.

So the pills didn't work either. All the doctors do is prescribe you pills.

I like how people who have never been depressed simply say, "Get over it." It's not that easy folks.

Thank you to all the positive people for your responses to this difficult question.

Thank you to everybody for your responses.

When I saw 24 reponses in 7 minutes, I thought, Jeez, I wish the Computers section was this lively!

Answer 1

Let's cut the chase. If you don't want to have a baby, then just say "no". Don't let anyone push you around.

The reason why you feel so stressed of hiding is because you're afraid to say your concern to her in the face. You see, I understand that you don't want to hurt her feelings. But whatever you do, no matter how you avoid it, someone will always get hurt in the end.

Let's try to analyze your situation :

Your wife if already 36 years old. Of course, she's already eager to have a baby because it might be too late for her to have one if you don't cooperate to make one now. Time flies.. and you know that.

You said you had a child before (from another woman of course).. don't you think she's feeling a bit jealous? It's a woman's instinct. Maybe she's thinking about something like "He was able to give his previous wife one, but why not to me? I'm the wife now. Still, why can't he give me what I've always wanted?"

In your case, you feel that you're not stable enough. Is it because you're still supporting your previous family? If that's the reason, maybe you already know what your current wife is feeling.

So now :

If you give her a baby, would it make you really happy? Of course not. It may not be for too long but eventually, you'll just feel that the baby is a burden to you because like what I've said, you're not financially steady yet.

I'm just saying that you shouldn't do it if you're having doubts beyond the limits. Because there will come a time when you'll feel like the "responsibility" had just become a "burden" for you.

And then :

Maybe you should talk it over personally. Tell it to her in the face because it'll have more value if you do that. Tell her what you really feel deep inside because pretending won't solve anything. And the more you "hide" it for a long time, the more she'll get pissed if she learns about it.

1. Convince her that you understand her side.
2. Make her feel that you're after her happiness.
3. Give her a VERY GOOD REASON why she should forget about having what she had always wanted for now.

Start your talk with a good buffer and then say something like, "I truly understand how you're feeling and you also know how willing I am to make you happy BUT..... "

You'll realize that facing the problem is the best way to justify the means.

Answer 2

This is something that should've been discussed before you two got married. But now that you are married, that is what it is about - a team - decisions for eachother. Both of you should stop being selfish. Its not all about what YOU want or fear. Or HER wants or fears. Its a team - US.
So, if you've expressed your fears and she's expressed hers -Try couples counseling to see if there's a solution. If neither of you budges as this is something that is very important to both of you - I suggest using condoms because there's alot of women who "accidently" get pregnant, not that I am saying your wife is manipulative, but just as a precaution.
If she's never had a baby and is something that she really wants, she should've made that clear to you before marriage.
Discuss the scenarios with her - I suggest with a counselor there... "If we have the baby now and I am not able to...xyz" or "If we wait, you may never get over your depression or I may never be able to become pregnant .. can we afford the tests/time of getting help from a fertility clinic? (as it will be more difficult and risky for her later on than now)"
Or if you know you NEVER want to have another baby and are just using this depression thing to delay it until its no longer a possibility, make that clear. Or if you're unsure if you ever will - make that clear, its only fair to her.
Does she want this kid enough to leave you to find a man to have a child with?
If she accidently got pregnant, would you make her terminate it?
Talk - thats what married people are supposed to do.
Good luck.

Answer 3

Take some meds then. It will take years for you to get it under control just going at it alone. By then it will be too late for her. These are things you two should have established before marriage. I am going on my second marriage soon and we are BOTH on the same page when it comes to children...we want one. If depression is the only thing holding you back, then get that under control...just go to a doctor, get meds and therapy. In the end, if it's too late for her to have a child because you couldn't get it under control, she's going to resent you for it...just a warning.

Add: If one pill doesn't work for you, then you get a different prescription. Not all pills work for everyone. If your doctor isn't giving you therapy too, then he/she is a bad doctor, then you get a new one. I suffered from depression myself when I was younger. I took Zoloft and had therapy once a week for two years. I got over my depression and I no longer need pills. You can't just give up taking one type of pill and not choosing the right doctor for you. You can't get over depression on your own, as much as you would like to. It's a chemical imbalance in your brain. And, no you can't just "get over it."

Answer 4

That sounds like a good idea. It is hard to rear children under a cover of depression so getting it under control is a good idea. Denying a woman from having a child is pretty hardcore and not really a loving thing though, I would see a therapist, male or female, and explain how you are feeling and look at all of the aspects of having/not having this child that your wife so wants.

I had a perfectly healthy baby at 38 so its definitely not too late but make sure it is something you begin to want or want by the time she gets pregnant so that you do not become unhappy about your marriage. Good luck...S

Answer 5

have a heart to heart talk with your wife and let her know about the whole depression thing. from a woman's pointy of view and a wife with a step child point of view... i want a child of my own. i have a 7 year old step daughter but i dont feel complete until i have my own so she is probably feeling the same way especially that she is older and being that she is Catholic most likely she have faith that everything will work out... but a child should never be bought into this world under pressure.. even though i dont know what you are going through I think you can do it since you made it this far with a 10 year old. whatever the choice is i hope everything works out

Answer 6

ok, so, you say you've tried pills. Have you tried therapy to deal with your depression? People (doctors included) are too ready and willing to try to fix your problems with a pill.
Get some therapy and talk it out. It's totally reasonable for you to want to get your depression under control before taking on the responsibility of another child but you have to be actively trying to get your depression under control.
Good Luck.

Answer 7

Wow, that's a hard situation. Maybe marriage counseling might be a good way to bring your feelings out in the open. I know you don't want to deny her life's greatest joy, but at the same time your feelings are important too. Babies are wonderful, but at the same time they bring a lot of stress with them and if you aren't sure you can handle that it may make your situation worse, but at the same time someone once told me "if everyone waited until they are READY to have children the world would be empty because no one is ever really READY" Good luck, I'm sorry that you are having to go through this.

Answer 8

anti-depressants are a trial and error thing. Just because one didn't work, doesn't mean another won't.
Honestly, it seems like you're using your depression as an excuse.
Try adding therapy, once you understand WHY you're depressed, you can do something to FIX it.
Not to put any pressure on you, but kids/no kids is kind of a deal breaker. Don't lose your wife because you're too proud to see a therapist.

Answer 9

If you want to be a good parent YOU need to think of what would be best for your new baby ( if there will be one). And if you know you will not be able to give your child all the attention and love and care that they need because you have some issues to work through don't do it. You need to explain to your wife that she needs to think about the welfare of the child and at this point in time you are not stable enough to give the child everything you would want to. Don't think about your wife's feelings cause your child is the one who will have to deal with a depressed dad and wonder to themself if they are the ones that made him that way.

Answer 10

Hi...
Did you hide from her before you were married? I doubt it..
This is something you should have discussed before marriage, not now.
Depression can be controlled with therapy and medication..
It's not as though, it can't be controlled..
So, consult a good therapist. Counseling and the proper medication, should leave you without any reason, not to have a family..
Good Luck!