Our background in short form we have been together for 2 1/2 years we have an 8 month old baby and we have lived together for about 10 months. He hasn't worked for about 4 out of those 10 months and has been out of work for the last 3 weeks. My credit has ended up messed up and we are pretty far behind on bills. I work full time and take all financial responsibility for our child since he was born. I am also the primary caretaker. He is good to me but he isn't responsible which didn't show until we already had a child so please don't even lecture me on that one. What's done is done.
This morning I unloaded on him. It has been building up in one big ball of resentment and it spilled over the top earlier. I told him that for the last months I have come to the realization that I would probably be better off on my own as I pretty much do it all anyways. I came down on him for not getting ANY job he could get bc every bit helps. I also told him he doesn't even offer...
2007-09-28 02:30:50 · 18 answers · asked by ? 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
me any help with our son as far as taking care of him and I feel like the only one doing anything here. He told me he would have a job by today but honestly he could have had a job 3 weeks ago if you ask me. Heck McDonalds would impress me at this point. I want us to work out...I love him but I just don't know if this is something I am willing to live with. Please please help me.
2007-09-28 02:32:51 · update #1
OH BTW...he KNEW I had a problem with him not having a job. I meant all the resentment towards him for not working I held in not the fact that I though he should be working =)
2007-09-28 02:42:58 · update #2
Madam.....I congratulate you as being one of the few people here...male and female...who analyzed their current situation, saw the errors but yet instead of snivelling and crying has taken steps to achiev your goal.
So...nothing wrong with unloading on him. lets face it...he hasn't really done anything because you havene't put the screws to him until today. So he's become complacent. Tell you something else I suspect about you. I don't think you're the type to enable him. By just reading this I suspect you've dropped hints, made suggestions and even gently prodded him to get out and find work. Apparently he has taken all of that in stride and you've now moved to stronger measures to fire him up and get him moving.
So actually the only thing to do is see if the events of this morning get his behind in gear. There isn't anything more you should do other than sit back and wait and see if he takes what you've said to heart. Now is the test to see if he's going to take it to heart and become a responsible spouse and parent.
Nothing more to do as this stage. If he doesn't and still lives the life of a sloth then we'll see what alternatives are available to you from that point on. Good luck.
2007-09-28 02:52:39 · answer #1 · answered by Quasimodo 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I went thru the same thing when my son was born 9 years ago. Eventually I realized it would be less work for me to become a single mom. And it was. When you don't have someone you are always mad at or arguing with, you can enjoy your life so much more. Realize this is a BIG decision. It will affect the rest of you and you child's life. You need to make a list of pros and cons. See what out-weighs the other. Bring it to the attention of your man. If he really cares about you and your child, he will step up. But from my experience, this won't happen. Please know that you DO NOT need any extra stress from a bum. Because it will eventually affect your child. Maybe some time apart will actually be good, and maybe then he will get his sh** together, then you can decide if you want to try it again. But girl, You hold the power. Be strong and good luck.
2007-09-28 09:44:44 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Where do you go from here? It all depends on you now. If you're seriously considering leaving him you need to start planning for that.
- Start a savings account (I know, money's tight, but even $5 a week will accumlate!) so you can have a financial buffer when you're ready to go.
- Check for social services's help. If you're in the US you can get help feeding your child with WIC (Women, Infants and Children).
- Find out what day care will cost - if you leave (or he leaves) there won't be anyone at home with your child while you're at work. (you didn't say what the current situation is, I'm only guessing on this one)
If you decide to stay (and, it sound like you want to!)
- Start a savings account! $5 a week still accumlates and extra money comes in handy, but don't use it except for absolute emergencies (car dies, house burns down, unexpected dr bills) And, both of you should contribute to this hands-off account.
- Don't let stuff build up like that! It's no good for you and it's no good for him, either. Talk, talk, talk - go for a walk together and talk being outside when you talk usually helps to keep everyone calm - no scenes in public!
- When he does get a job - hopefully today! - make sure he knows how much you appreciate it! Even though you're the one who's been holding down the job all this time and doing everything else. Everyone needs to be appreciated!
- And let him know what you need from him. Financially, emotionally and especially re: child care
Hope it all works out for you!
2007-09-28 10:24:27 · answer #3 · answered by Durga sings the classics 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are a pretty sensible gal. There is nothing wrong with what you said and you have the right to expect from him financial support and a lending hand.
I'm glad that you see that you cannot simply ignore the fact that he doesn't have a job and let him do whatever while you carry all the load. It's not fair to you or your son and you already have it hard enough to have to feed an unemployed man too.
Tell him that you love him, but you love yourself more. Tell him that he has a deadline of 3 months or else, get evicted (hey, 2 mouths to feed is better than 3) and tell him that you will pursue financial support from court if he insists of not taking responsability.
Do not get in debt because of him, you seem responsible and level headed and he is dragging you down. Being in love, doesn't mean being stupid. Be firm on what your expectations are, you go girl!!!!!
Good luck
2007-09-28 10:03:35 · answer #4 · answered by Blunt 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I had a boyfriend like this once. I couldn't deal with it. Some guys are just are looking for a mother figure, a caretaker and they don't want to or can't accept the responsibility of being a "man". I suppose I just wanted to sympathize with you, I haven't thought about that part of my life in a long time. I remember the shock I would feel when he would pack his mountain bike on the back of the car as I was heading out to work and had the gall to ask me for gas and spending money. When I broke up with him, he tried for over two years to come back, he got a job, excelled and ended up doing pretty well....I just couldn't get the vision of what a mooch he had been out of my head. Maybe leaving him will shock him into the realization of what he needs to do.
2007-09-28 10:03:00 · answer #5 · answered by Rein 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Sounds to me that home boy needs to grow up. Its not your place to take care of him. My niece had a guy just like this and as long as she would work and pay the bills he didn't mind a bit. She even payed his child support and her bills!!!
Well needless to say that it is now over and he still don't work to much just enough to get by. But if she would had stayed and kept doing it he wouldn't had coplained. Know what I mean? You are going to have to put your foot down tell him hes got a certain lenght of time to get a job or he's out. You got 1 kid to take care of no sense in haveing a grow kid too!! But hopefuly being you love him putting your foot down will open his eyes. If not stick to your guns and put him out and tell him he don't come back till he is making some sort of effort. Would be diffrent if he was doing all the house work and taking care of yalls baby while you were working heck you should have supper waiting for you when you get home. Would at least be doing something to earn his keep huh? But really lay down the law and stick with it. Goog luck hope it works out.
2007-09-28 09:50:54 · answer #6 · answered by Jen 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm really glad we talk, because I'm almost in the same situation right now as you. Sometimes, I think I'd be better off without my man since he feels like he gets to be free and do whatever still, now that we have a baby. He works, yes, but refuses to buck up and get an apartment for us. We've been together for almost 5 years now. (we did live together last year, but while I was pregnant he didn't have a job for 6 months! And at the last second finally got a full time job, but still not apartment and our baby is 3 months old now) I live with my mom right now (who helps with the baby while I'm at work and my boyfriend does to, but always complains about it and acts like he is incompetent with our son). Anyways, he doesn't drive yet (won't get his license cause his excuse is "he'd be too angry driving cause he hates other drivers"). It's great he's working full time, but I'm almost ready to tell I'd be better off too without him since it's like I'm doing it on my own right now anyways. He does help out with the baby, but that's not enough. I need stability, a family, etc etc. I think you are in the right here...he should be helping you with the finances and it's not fair on you.
If you want to talk more, e-mail me LindseyH1185@yahoo.com
I feel we are in similar situations and would be nice for the support for both of us!
2007-09-28 11:27:15 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Same situation as mine...i loved him and he lived off me for 7 years...yea yea...eve had a kid and thats when i realised. I walked out, cause if he hasnt changed he never will. Responsibility is an important thing and it looks like its only u who is carrying it out.
If you stay on, the resentment will build up and u will be fighting in front of ur kid, which is worse, and it will also tell on your son, which is not good. you want to raise your son in a positive environment. Do you want to be upset and resentful everytime you are around him?
Leave him, as it is u r the primary care giver, you can continue this with peace of mind. And it doesn't look like he is helping you in looking after your son!
2007-09-28 09:44:35 · answer #8 · answered by diva_untouchable 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I`m in agreement with the user that said dead-line.
You set a time frame, 2/3/4 weeks - if he doesn`t have a job by then - he is out.
What bugs me in your story is that he doesn`t help you with your child either. If you are out of work, the LEAST you could do is do some housework, or childcare - imho.
2007-09-28 09:50:33 · answer #9 · answered by U_S_S_Enterprise 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You are so right .... I would be pissed too.
He sounds like a deadbeat who is not trying hard enough to make things work and darling.... money is the number one for divorce or separation.
Money strains are real... you are not making or exaggerating this stress. It's expensive to have a child and he the father is nonchalant about it....god I hate that behaviour too. Ohhhh makes my blood turn.
Give him an ultimatum...and keep to it... don't be wishy washy and give him the message that you allow this behaviour....Be firm. You have a child to think of, you don't need to be mommy to your child's father.... he has a mommy.
Lay down the law!
cheers
2007-09-28 09:44:23 · answer #10 · answered by Say 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋