im in the national guard and my wife is not taking things well because im being deployed,?

Question

she is on anti-depressents and they are not helping, the only option i see is to not go. i know there are hardship discharges but is there any way to be taken off the list to deploy i dont want out. in about a year i think things would be better. but we just got married and she was mistreated with her last husband and its not fair to her to be alone again so soon after being married. she cannot stop cring or being depressed, and i know if we had more time together before i had a deployment things would be better for her.

Answer 1

I'm sorry, that is awful.... It's really up to you and your chain of command. There are tons of outlets for her though, websites all about this stuff and how to find others who know what she's dealing with. Find out if there is an FRG, when they are meeting, get her to meet some other the other wives. My husband's deploying for the third time- there are alot of us out there and none of us want our spouses to go.
Just be really good to her, no one said that you're going tomorrow, so live for today. Thats what we have to do, cause letting it hang over your head makes it worse.
Ps. there is a difference between constructive criticism and being rude. I'd like to see some of you who answered live for a year with out your spouse. I know for a fact that if you're an airforce wife, the longest your husband deploys is 6 months... That must be nice. Until you've been in that ladies shoes, don't be hateful.

Answer 2

Since my son was in the Army, and not the National Guard, I'm not sure the situation can be seen as the same, but, if this is of any help, let me share with you how we handled his deployment to Kuwait and Iraq on two separate occasions. We simply accepted it, and we did have some time to "prepare" for the deployment since he joined the Army while still in highschool when a recruiting officer came by and visited his highschool. He went through basic training at Ft. Leonard Wood, and then went to Ft. Sill, Oklahoma and then was first deployed to Kuwait. Interestingly, he had plenty access to telephones and computers and we IM'ed each other repeatedly, and the same thing occurred during his second deployment, although not quite as much the second time, but still plenty. You may have the same access, and if so, you can talk with your wife so regularly that she'll sometimes wonder if you ever really did leave home. We missed our son dearly when he was over there, but, as his parents, and a whole generation older than him, we had matured enough to be able to accept things in life that aren't as we want them, suffer a manageable stress, and "keep on keeping on" as the old saying goes. My son is home now, and beginning in college, and, as a matter of fact, I IM'ed him to ask him what the name of the second Army base, the one in Oklahoma, was, and he reminded me. You'll find that with modern technology, you're often in close and frequent contact, no matter where you are. It was extremely different during the Vietnam war, long before PCs and IMing and cell phones. Things have been MUCH tougher before. It's a cinch now, comparatively speaking. God Bless you.

Answer 3

I highly doubt that your wife's inability to cope is enough to get you out of a deployment, and in fact would be black mark on your record..you would be seen as shirking your duty, be resented by every other married person in your unit who still has to deploy and frankly, isn't fair to anyone else.

She knew what she was getting into when she married you. Now she needs to step up and get over it. she's no more deserving of her spouse avoiding a deployment than I am, and I am physically handicapped.

she has plenty of places to go for support and help.

Answer 4

You may be able to get a deferment, meaning you won't have to deploy now but will deploy the next round out...six months to a year from now. Otherwise, the only option will be to get out completely. You will need to have documented proof that leaving your wife would pose a risk to her health...reports from a therapist/psychiatrist. Notes from a GP who is prescribing anti-depressants may not do it.

Now I am going to say that she must have known what could happen when she married you. If she didn't then you need to explain it to her now. Gaurd is very different than it used to be, so the likely hood is that in the next five years you will deploy at least twice. If she is not going to be able to adapt, you may have to consider asking for a discharge.

Answer 5

Its not fair?? You were in the military when you married her right? Then she should have known what would happen. What she thought that just because you are married you wont have to leave?? Its not fair to me that I have to deploy here in Afghanistan and leave my husband I havent even been marrid to for a year yet and 8 month old daughter, but I have to because thats why we signed on the dotted line. Its hard yes but thats what we do, we deploy to protect our country... Tell her that you are still her husband but other people are depending on you.

Answer 6

you may want to try to get her into some support groups..it sucks being alone for a year or more but maybe if she can find other people to lean on that will help,does she have a job or family close by?...since you are national guard you can possibly have her put on EFMP(expectational family member program) they might be able to help you with not deploying because of her depression but keep in mind alot of military spouses claim depression to try to keep their service members from deploying so you may have to submit alot of documentation but it could work if not they might be able to suggest some groups that will help her while your deployed...i honestly hated when my husband deployed and my depression got worse but i also took my meds, talked to my therapist, and dealt with it on a day by day basis...here is the link for EFMP

Answer 7

Im a USAF wife..And I hate to be harsh but I have been through deployments..and she knew what she was getting into before you got married..The military is a demanding job and you just have to go with the flow of things. Maybe she needs to meet some military wives to help her out, and go to support groups on base..**we have them at our base**

Answer 8

first off, Thank you for serving,
second, get her off the anti depressants, that is the biggest hoax the pharmaceutical companies and their doctor cronies have come up with yet. You cannot face reality and get well drugged up.
Third, tell her how every patriotic American is counting on you and praying for you.
Forth, Tell her I thank her for being a military wife, and to connect with the agencies that deal with military wifes. as well as the wife support groups. They are there to help
God Bless You

Answer 9

As much as I want to extend some sympathy here my first thought is going to sound harsh. What was she or you thinking when you got married? Did you not let her know that you were in the Guard and might possibly have to do this? Ouch.

You can go to your command and try to get your involvement with the deployment postponed or deferred. Or you might get lucky and it will end up that you get through the processing and get released to go home like my cousin did a couple of years ago.

However, I'd also be working with her to get her as secure as possible because in all likelihood you will have to follow through on your Guard commitment. Make sure she's got family and friends close by and make sure as many of them as possible know how tough this is going to be on her. Ask them as a personal favor to you to check in on her. If your wife is really bad go so far as to schedule people to stop by or call her every day. Make sure they know how important this is to you and to her.

Get her involved with the FRG for your command. The Family Readiness Group is one of the best resources military wives have for deployments. I know it's hard with Guard and Reserve groups not always being up and running or with the families being scattered over a larger geographic area. But you need to find her contacts there and make sure they know that this situation could use some TLC.

Make sure she has support to get her to and from the doctors appointments. It may be that she needs more time for the anti-depressants to reach full potency in her system. It may also be that they'll have to try different doses or different meds before finding what works best for her.

Lastly you're going to have to make an extra effort to let her know that she's just as important to you when you're gone as when you're there. Make sure you leave surprise notes or gifts with the family and friends you're arranging to check up on her. Some florists will let you pre-order flowes to be delivered months later, especially the ones near military bases.

A cheap but wonderful plan is to buy a pack of post it notes. Write short notes like "I love you", "Hi there, beautiful", "Thinking of you" and/or "Dreaming of you". It doesn't matter if you repeat because you're going to take them and hide them around the house. The ones you hide really deep can be done ahead of time. Like put one in the tool box, way behind all the stuff under the sink, under the silverware rack or in the boxes of Christmas decoration. Others you'll hide only a day or so before you leave. Like in her dresser drawers, the medicine cabinet, under cans of soup or on the laundry detergent. The last ones you want to put in plain sight as you make that last walk out the door. I don't know how my DH did it but I came home from dropping him off to one on the front door, the stove, the bathroom mirror... I didn't find the last post it until we were moving...the silverware drawer...I never even looked under there in 3 years in that house. But every time I found a note it was like he was there for a second whispering his love in my ear.

You're going to have to make that kind of effort if you want this to work out as easily as possible for your wife.

Answer 10

I know how she feels, but she has to toughen up. I had to sit here and toughen up a bit. I haven't seen my man in 2 years. He's finally coming home. She knew what she was getting herself into.